How Friends’ Advice Can Sabotage Your Relationship Without Them Realizing

Do you have any idea exactly how many relationships have gone from bad to much, much worse, due to the advice of “well-meaning” friends? Me neither, but I guarantee you it is a lot!

Now, raise your hand if you have ever sat across from a best friend and unloaded your frustrations about your partner, and they listen intently, nodded at all the right moments, and in the end came the inevitable “advice.” Most times it came with a mix of personal anecdotes, perhaps some stern warnings, and heartfelt suggestions. You then walk away feeling heard and supported, but what happens when later you realize their well-meaning feedback only made things worse?

They are our people, and naturally they do want to help us through our tough times, especially in our relationships. Unfortunately, bad relationship advice from friends had done more harm than good despite their good intentions.

Why does friends’ advice hurt?

1. Some context is always missing:

Your friends, in most cases, only know what you have told them. However, relationships to the outside world are like icebergs, meaning 95% of what is really going on is underneath the surface.

For instance, should you vent about your partner forgetting your anniversary and you just want someone to say,

“That really sucks. Want some ice cream?”

Unfortunately, your friend who doesn’t know that this is the first time your partner has slipped up in six years, or that said partner happened to be going through a lot at the time instead says,

“Seems to me he no longer values you or the relationship. You deserve better!”

Well, you can see how that can make it much worse because their comment, though well-intentioned, doesn’t take into account the full picture and plants seeds of doubt where a little compassion was all you needed.

2. We are not exactly impartial in our narrations:

We present our side, complete with our feelings, frustrations, and, of course, all the exaggerated details. You see, people, whether intentinally (self-serving) or unintentionally (emotional distortion), have a tendency to present biased versions of events even when seeking advice.

For your friends, naturally, their advice will lean toward validating you because they are your friends, after all. Unfortunately, this doesn’t make their feedback balanced or helpful, for that matter.

3. Projecting their own experiences while forgetting all relationships are unique:

This usually happens when you, for instance, mention a small argument with your partner, and suddenly they begin recounting their last breakup in vivid detail. This projection is as common as it is problematic, because just because their ex ghosted them after a fight doesn’t mean your partner will. All relationships are unique, and your friend’s past doesn’t have to be your blueprint.

Studies show that advice-givers with similar experiences may impose their perspectives and overlook the differences in someone else’s situation. [Source]

4. The advice was unsolicited:

Sometimes, you could just be venting to let off a little steam just so you don’t explode. However, before you even finish, someone swoops in with some advice you didn’t ask for. Not every rant needs a response, and relationship advice if and when solicited and received should ideally help you move forward, not dig you deeper into conflict.

5. Plain, simple emotional bias:

Our ride-or-die crew loves us and naturally always wants to protect us, which is sweet until it is not. Such loyalty tends to cloud their judgment. So, instead of helping you see the bigger picture, which is absolutely essential in all circumstances, they might edge you on:

“You’re right! They’re the worst!”

“I can’t believe they’d do that to you!”

Sadly, even though it may have felt good at the time, the bias often fuels resentment rather than resolution.

6. Over-simplifications:

Most times, it is simply not that simple. “Just leave” or “Just talk it out” are very easy to say, but relationships tend to be a bit more complex. You have been together for years, you co-own a home, you are co-parenting, etc., and such simplistic advice ignores these particulars, meaning you are not properly understood. Meaning their advice, no matter how well intended, is hit or miss.

Research on friendships reveals that people feel obligated to side with their friend, even when they suspect the friend might be wrong. [Source]

How to set the stage and deal with advice without losing your sanity and making a bad situation worse:

First, it starts with you. You need to check your expectations before you vent. You can simply let them know what you need: you just need to blow some steam, not life-changing advice.

And when you do want their advice, try and give enough details to work with (context). However, you still need to balance that with the need to avoid oversharing.

For reasons we have already mentioned, there may be a constant need to always state if you need their neutral input. It always helps if you encourage your friends to ask questions like, “Why do you think they acted that way?” for more context before jumping to any conclusions.

So what do you do when your friend’s well-intended advice backfires?

I remind you that even if misguided, they had your best interest at heart. So please always appreciate they were only trying to help, having your best interest at heart. You may also need to acknowledge, in sharing why their advice didn’t work, that it was a bit more complicated than you initially shared.

However, if you notice that the advice train keeps derailing, it may be a good time to let them know that you need to figure things out on your own.

54% of Gen Z singles “regret following their friends’ dating advice because they felt like they made the wrong decision in the end.” [Source]

I realize it may not feel like it at times, especially when a friend’s advice hurts, but good friends are always a blessing. However, they can have their limitations: they may not be relationship therapists. So, their advice, regardless of how well-meaning it is, may still not always be the right fit for your situation. And at the end of the day, you are the one living your relationship, and you are the one who knows what’s best.

Have you ever received advice that backfired? Drop me a comment.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***