How Getting Into Frequent Arguments With My Girlfriend Made Me a Better Partner

Before I got into a relationship with my girlfriend, I knew nothing about emotional intelligence. That’s because I had never faced a situation that tested my ability to handle my emotions.

After a few years of being in a relationship, my emotional state has undergone significant changes.

Couples often experience misunderstandings, arguments, and fights. Some clashes are so fierce that they must be broken up, while others are minor, like those that everyone has with their partners.

I began constantly getting into arguments with my girlfriend. They were so frequent that I started doubting myself — what the hell am I doing wrong here?

I always try to give everything for her happiness because that’s what matters most to me. I am a big problem-solver and thought that was all that mattered. I was so wrong. Especially after reading Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps by Allan and Barbara Pease, I have come to understand that solving a problem for a woman isn’t what a man should be doing.

Our constant arguments sometimes led to huge fights, and she always got upset with me. I would react every time she overreacted to the situation. “What do you want?” I would shout every time.

Long story short: things didn’t look good and were getting out of hand.

Understanding a woman’s emotions

The next thing for me to do was what every desperate man would do — search the internet for answers.

I stumbled upon a lot of helpful material, but I wasn’t convinced by most of it. I still needed an answer to a question I was looking for — something that resonated specifically with my situation.

I read books, watched videos, and did everything I could to gather all the helpful materials.

The problem with my relationship was that we were both highly attached to our emotions. Whenever someone screwed up or did something the other didn’t like, we would get upset quickly. We lacked awareness and didn’t try to understand each other.

First, I increased my self-awareness whenever a difficult situation arose. I also tried to listen to her, which is essential to fixing the issue. Instead of trying to solve problems for her or give her solutions, I listened attentively. I also tried to analyze things from her perspective and understand where she was coming from.

That helped a ton. But it wasn’t enough.

Not taking her emotions too seriously.

Women are different from men. They think differently and want different things from the relationship. Men are simple and think straightforward. For instance, if we want pizza, we say it directly. On the other hand, if a woman wants pizza, they would give hints to their man instead of directly affirming it.

Of course, it doesn’t apply to every woman, but most women share the same experiences.

I’ve learned not to take my woman’s emotions too seriously. This might sound off-putting to some women reading this, but it has worked for me every time.

When my girlfriend is upset about something, I tell myself, “Don’t take it so seriously. She’ll feel different tomorrow or in a few hours.” Surprisingly, she admits that, too. She says, “I’m a girl, and that’s how I act sometimes. Don’t overreact to my emotions because most of the time, that’s not who I am.”

It isn’t clear to us men, but that’s how it works. The more I came to terms with this fact, the better I understood my woman, and our relationship improved.

Respond; don’t react.

This was a game-changer for me. Almost every time my girlfriend did or said something I didn’t like, I would instantly react. Then, it got her heated up as well, causing things to get messier.

I found some practical methods online that helped me respond to situations more effectively, rather than reacting too quickly. For example, I would pause for a few seconds before saying something to my girlfriend. I observed the problem and listened to her attentively. I also tried focusing on my breathing whenever things got intense. Then, I’d slowly respond more subtly.

At first, it was harder not to react to a situation. I would constantly return to my old self and start doing it again. Each time that happened, I would promise myself (and her) that I wouldn’t do it the next time. Sadly, it would repeat.

I improved at it with practice. I tried to stay calm and not react. Also, I’d tell myself (in my head), “Don’t take it seriously.” That helped a lot.

Letting go of the ego.

Things have improved significantly now. We have fewer arguments than we used to.

I wouldn’t take all the credit because she has also significantly improved her handling of situations. I’m so proud of her.

In a heated argument, we start to dislike whatever the other person says or does. We now forget the good things about them and only want to prove them wrong.

Is it really worth it?

If we love and admire our partner, why can’t we let go of our ego and forgive them? Is winning an argument worth damaging the relationship? I don’t think so.

Unless things have gotten out of hand and our partner disrespects us, the situation is different. If cheating is involved, that’s too much. There is no point in trying to fix such a relationship.

However, small arguments are expected in every relationship, and even though they happen frequently, we can resolve them.

It’s only a matter of whether you want to make things better. If yes, you must be willing to put in the effort. I did everything I could — from reading books to watching dozens of videos online — to improve things. And it worked. I learned that I was doing some things wrong and corrected them. Now, my relationship is far better. I couldn’t have fixed it if I had given up, thinking she would never change. Also, it would have made things worse if I hadn’t let go of my ego.

Final thought

I can’t speak for every person, but I can only say that if you genuinely love someone and want things to improve, you must make an effort. You can’t wait for your partner to change because that will never happen.

Remember, your words and actions toward them can change your relationship. They will make things better. It’s all about how you handle the situations that arise when you are together.

Trying to change your partner’s emotions or actions toward you means focusing on things beyond your control. Instead, stick to what you can control — your feelings and actions. This is how you can change your outer circumstances and live a better life with your partner.

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