How I Discovered What I Want From a Man

“The sweetest joy, the wildest woe is love.”—Pearl Bailey (actress and singer)

This past year, two men have stood out.

Two guys with one commonality.

If not, I may not have identified what I want from love. And what was missing from my marriage. I felt the same thing with both men that I dated. Despite the two relationships, being vastly different.

I’d smile and say something to one of these men.

“Stop staring at me.”

It made me uncomfortable. I found myself looking away. I wasn’t used to undivided attention, or a man just gazing at me. It carried an intensity of focus I hadn’t known.

A man who was incredibly present.

A man who seemed to see me…all of me…or at least who wanted to.

Fast forward to another man.

Again, they are wildly different experiences and men. They are two very different relationships. One relationship felt intense. The other doesn’t feel serious.

They have only one thing in common.

While on a date with this man we were seated at the bar.

He didn’t do what many other guys do. He didn’t sit forward and turn his head toward me. I’d just arrived and was not completely facing forward yet either.

He turned his body away from the bar and faced me.

He stared into my eyes.

Again, this type of unbroken focus is not something I’m accustomed to. It’s not the eye contact. It’s the duration of the undivided attention. It sends a message.

I see you.

I want to see you.

I’m not speaking in the physical sense. I’m not referencing appearance. Both of these men made me feel like they wanted to see who I am. Everything that’s within me.

I’ve written before that I never needed attention.

I didn’t like it. I like my independence. But I’ve realized I was extreme. I should’ve enjoyed, or required some degree of focus. I should’ve been a happy in between.

It shouldn’t have been all or nothing.

I have to defend every guy I’ve ever dated. I broke up with most of them because they were too attentive. They actually saw me, or wanted to. I wanted to do my own thing. I wanted to go out with my friends.

I can’t blame my ex-husband either.

I chose him because of his benign neglect.

But I matured and outgrew it.

I wanted to be seen.

I no longer wanted to be ignored. I no longer wanted to parallel play while living in the same house. I wanted his interest, not his apathy. I wanted his consideration, not his inconsideration.

I didn’t want his presence.

I wanted him ‘to be’ present.

I’ve met men after my divorce. I’ve spent more than a year talking to different guys. I may have resisted many formal dates but I’ve spent plenty of time going out.

I’ve only met two men with the same commonality.

One relationship felt like more of an attachment. The other was a simple date. It will likely end in friendship. But both men ushered the same message.

It’s how I discovered what I want from a man.

I want his focus.

I don’t want his presence.

I want him ‘to be’ present.

A man who sees me…all of me…or at least who wants to.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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