How I Finally Ended the Toxic Relationship Cycling Ride

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
~ Maya Angelou, Renowned Poet, Memoirist, Civil Rights Activist

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Over a two-and-a-half-year period, I counted our breakups: seven times. In no way is that normal. Of course, I already knew that when we got to the third time around. Still, I kept thinking ours would last.

But this isn’t about re-living everything that happened between my former lover. There’s no point in re-hashing it all. Instead, it’s about how I finally realized this time was the final straw. I’ll be brief.

But first, transparency.

Of the seven times, I was the initiator of wanting us to get back together two or three times. The rest was on his end. I only mention this because I must remind myself of accountability.

Another part of being honest is recognizing I have a bunch of stuff to work on, like my patience levels, my short fuse, and my not completely resolved control issues. Really, this isn’t about the blame game. What difference would that make?

Before I digress further, let me return to what made me realize this has to be the last time (it’s only been 10 days). The on-again off-again rollercoaster pattern became the norm — we’d be great for a month or two, then we’d have a big blow up argument where I’d grab my clothes and leave his house.

A few days would go by — once it was longer, about two weeks — then we’d reconnect and start all over again. Several words come to mind when I think of the past:

Toxic ~ Co-Dependency ~ Unstable ~ Mental Health Destruction

So what happened this last time? I realized the issues between us (mine as noted above, and his insecurities + machismo) were not going away without counseling and real changes on both ends. I had also become dependent on my former partner for some financial assistance — this is something that was a big problem between us because he felt it wasn’t a big deal (note: he never threw it in my face!).

Our last break up was more of the old stuff: the raising of voices, with him calling me ‘toxic’ and attacking my character, then me losing my patience. He left and I realized it was time to simply let him go.

On the 22nd he had a birthday. I sent him warm wishes — he gave me silence in return. He still has some of my clothes at his house, he’s got some clothes and art supplies/painting at my place. I still hope that down the line we can be friends.

For now, I’m focusing on rebuilding my life as a single woman — focusing on my social justice journalism and poetry. Becoming once again financially and emotionally independent. I have so much self-love, self-forgiveness and self-compassion to offer, it’s time to start over.

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Note: the cover image is of Amanita muscaria mushrooms (also known as ‘fly agaric’). Known to have hallucinogenic properties, they are toxic. Read more here.

Gracias for reading.

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Acknowledging the Arawak, the First Peoples of Borikén, on whose unceded lands my work is created. In gratitude for and in honor of our Elders, past, present, and emerging. May my work always unapologetically and boldly uplift our wondrous Indigenous Taíno, Iñeri, and African roots.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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