Rejections not only conjure up feelings of inadequacy but also remind you of other times in life where you felt unwanted. Allowing it to linger creates a negative lasting effect on your life.
In the past few months, I was pursuing someone that clearly wasn’t interested. But my eagerness blinded me. After her declaring to go our separate ways, I curled up in bed for the next few days. I’d wake up looking like I lost 15 pounds, pale and unshaven, with a dark cloud over my head — I couldn’t recognize myself anymore.
That was last month. Through many days of reflecting, I’ve crawled out of that vulnerable hole. I feel rejuvenated. More powerful.
Frantic analyzing made me obsessive
Like a mad dog, I hounded every female friend I had for advice. “Where do you think I messed up?” “Do you think she ever liked me?” “Did she really mean it when she told me to do my own thing?”
I was Dr. Can’t-Let-Go. Replaying memories in my head and rereading the texts, dissecting and magnifying every little detail, hoping to find hints of hope or the truth behind the rejection. The more my ego sought redemption, the more I tied my self-worth to this failure. I just had to know why she didn’t like me. Without realizing that the answer wasn’t only insignificant, but it might be not one that I wanted to hear.
The first step to getting over rejection is to face reality. When someone says they aren’t into you, whether blatantly or indirectly, believe them. Otherwise, you’ll waste more time sulking by giving yourself false hope.
Get grieving out of the way
Some days I was able to block her out from my mind. Other days she was the only thing I thought about. This tug of war lasted about two weeks before I fully returned to my normal state of mind.
This is common, though. If you genuinely like someone, their indifference will leave you feeling unwanted and unworthy. There should be a grace period for processing pain and shame. But to not let this hiccup turn into a downward slope, seek social interactions, and engage in your hobbies. It could feel like the end of the world sometimes, but these moments are merely smoke and disappear with time.
Reframe the experience
Without realizing what I was actually doing, I started cognitive reframing. It’s where you assign a new meaning to a past event by revisiting it from a different angle.
Instead of remembering that I was being needy and forcing the interaction, I saw myself simply taking the initiative and going after what I wanted. Instead of thinking that I was weak by acting too nice, I saw myself being authentic because I am a kind person by nature. By reshaping my recollection of these experiences, I feel entirely different about what I had done.
Perception is reality. There’s nothing wrong with you as a person. Neither did you do anything wrong. Once you change your story and your negative views, it’s much easier to free yourself from the agony of rejection.
How a growth mindset can help
A large part of my depression stems from me believing that she was my ceiling. That I would never do better than her. And I should set my bar lower when searching for prospects. I was in a fixed mindset about who I was, yet never thought about who I could become. See, I can grow. Just because she isn’t attracted to me today doesn’t mean she won’t be smitten by a new me later.
Rejection is never permanent. Commit to continual improvement. Even if they don’t change their mind about you one day, you’ll find someone just as illuminating.
This brings me to my next point.
I was meant for someone better
Looking back, she wasn’t a good fit. Capricorns and Libras repel each other. Her personality was reticent and high-maintenance, as far from my usual type as there is. Our interactions? Awkward. Despite knowing that, I charged in like a bull seeing red, without recognizing the signs that this might be a bad idea. Loneliness and lack of self-esteem lead you to the wrong decisions.
Rejection often means that it’s not a good fit or good timing. There’s no need to get hung over someone not choosing you. They weren’t for you anyway.
What if the other person shows back up in your life?
I’ll tell you a little secret. She lives right next to me.
Although I never run into her, just seeing her car outside or the occasional walk by still brings up a mixture of anxiety, anger, and annoyance. But since I’m done with her at this point, I deliberately not look her way. I block her social media posts. I probably won’t even acknowledge her existence when coming face to face.
Mature or not, my point is, if you’re ready to move on, do everything you can to remove this person from your life. Use time to wash away the emotional residues.
Lastly and most importantly
The hardest part of getting over someone is becoming decisive. We often hold a secret desire to win them over, and it’s crucial to be aware of it. Ask yourself why you still think about them? Is it because you want to redeem your worth? Is it because they possess an irresistible trait? Is it because you guys built a connection so deep that you struggle to let go?
Find that weak spot so you can start working on it.
Once I decided to turn the page, I started focusing on her flaws, things so distasteful that makes me stop thinking about her. Oxytocin is a silly hormone. It can exaggerate someone’s appeal and make them seem perfect. So let’s remove their mask and see them for the insecure and ordinary person they are.
Romantic rejections are even better than career rejections. They not only strengthen you but also teach you to love yourself for who you are.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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