How I Overcame Helplessness

After leaving the hospital, reality really clicked into place.

We spent two days recuperating after our extended labor experience (read JND: Prologue for more details), totaling five full days in the hospital. We watched all the necessary informational and cautionary videos the hospital required before being discharged, had spent the past 9+ months learning and preparing, and had all the gear at home set up. We felt ready and knowledgeable.

Then they pushed the wheelchair holding my wife and daughter out the hospital doors and back into the wilderness.

Wait, They Let Us Just Leave?

I pulled the car around to the entrance while my wife and daughter waited with the nurse who had assisted us outside. Once I arrived and the nurse double checked that my wife could stand, she congratulated us one more time and took the chair back inside.

And there we were. Outside. Just the three of us.

We had this tiny person and it was truly up to us to keep her alive, let alone all the higher-level concerns that come with raising a child! We fumbled with getting the carseat to work properly as a line of cars stacked up behind us. We relocated out of the front entrance pickup zone to a nearby parking spot to hopefully remove the slightest amount of pressure. After scouring the manual and making a few excited-on-the-edge-of-frantic phone calls, we got her secured and made our way home. Just like that. No more checks, no nurses calling to see how we were doing, no adult-ier adult showing up to take over.

Just our new wonderful, terrifying, beautiful little family.

Learn and Live

Adapting to life with a newborn is hard. No qualms about it. I’m sure you’ve heard it before just like we had. Sometimes clichés exist for a reason. Whatever people tell you about their harrowing stories in ‘the early days,’ believe them.

Sleepless nights, screaming baby, worry, uncertainty, tired wife, imposter syndrome, insecurity; this is just a smattering of things I experienced during the first few months. Please prepare yourself with the books, instructional videos, etc., as you get ready to become a parent. There is so much to know, and a good foundation will bring you some confidence. But there is truly no way for you to know everything ahead of time (like most things in life).

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Some things you don’t know until you know. You are making mistakes along the way and learning from them as you go. As a former musician and educator, this is something I was very familiar with. This is part of the learning process, and trusting yourself to learn from said mistakes and be better for next time is like an old friend at this point. Musicians build this into their genome, and this philosophy of learning manifested as a foundational tenant in any class I taught.

One of the most crucial parts of this strategy is allowing yourself grace as you go along, not being too hard on yourself for making mistakes. For a perfectionist like me, this is a regular reminder I give myself. Perfection isn’t the goal. Progress is the goal. See the mistakes along the way not as failures, but as a necessary speed bumps along the path of success and growth.

Dad Who?

Now, fully understanding this and putting it into practice are two very different things. It takes commitment and continual upkeep to not veer into the pit of hopelessness. Now compile the highest-pressure task you’ve ever put yourself into with the full mental, physical, and emotional drain of being a new parent and it’s very easy to forget everything your logical, rested brain understands.

I was hard on myself. I set myself up with outlandish standards. I did not meet them, and I beat myself up over it

The hardest part for me during ‘the fourth trimester’ was feeling unnecessary. My wife wanted to breastfeed if able. After a few coaching sessions through the hospital, we confirmed this was a viable option for us and we fully committed. I ignorantly assumed before becoming a dad that basically everyone breastfed their babies and formula was only use as a supplement. This is so not true for so many different reasons, and I am ashamed to admit how uninformed I was. Educate yourself and choose the path that is best for you and your family.

Since we committed to breastfeed (by ‘we’ I of course mean my wife in action, me in spirit) that meant Mom was always the answer. Upset, hungry, tired, Mom was the solution. I truly loved seeing the bond that had already grown so strong during pregnancy continue to bloom as both my wife and daughter figured out how to work together in this ancient tradition of mammalian caregiving.

The dark side of this coin was my role. Or rather, lack thereof. In front of me were the two beings I love more than anything else on this planet, growing closer and closer as I drifted away. I felt disconnected and apart, an outside observer in my own family story.

I did not have food to give, so our daughter did not turn to me for that. With my wife being on maternity leave and wanting to build our daughter’s confidence with nursing, we did not start a bottle until it was almost time for my wife to return to work. If our daughter was hungry, I was not the answer.

If she was upset, Mom was the safe, familiar place. I of course held her, bounced her, rocked her, sang to her. I would play guitar or recorded music for her. I would tell her stories or read books so she could get used to my voice. We even got a good chunk of the way into The Hobbit, one of my favorites. But at the end of the day, Mom was her haven. If our daughter cried, I was not the answer.

If our daughter was tired, she looked for two things: comfort and food. I would wake up and do my best to give my exhausted wife a break from having to get out of bed yet again. But when your daughter is crying and you pick her up to comfort her, only for her to start crying even louder after realizing it’s not mom, a part of your heart breaks. Yet again, I was not the answer.

Finding My Role, Finding Myself

After months of feeling useless, a spectator trapped in a whirlpool of hopelessness, I decided to make a change. I had been so focused on what Mom and Baby needed that I had been completely ignoring myself. I felt awful, and I did not want to continue to walk down this same path. Here are some steps that helped me come to terms with my new role in our family, and ultimately finding peace and self-control I had been missing

Acceptance — I am not Mom, and never will be. Once I accepted and understood that my role was different than my wife’s, I could take steps forward to better serve said role
Persistence — The things I was doing to help were not wrong. In fact they were incredibly helpful, but they will not produce 100% of the results you are hoping for. Keep doing them anyway
Definition — Find the cracks in your household that need attention. Have an honest conversation with your partner about how you can be most helpful. Define what role you play. It may not seem baby-specific, but they are needed. Do the things you can do to be helpful instead of focusing on the tasks out of your control or ability
Love Unconditionally — This should be a given, but when you’re awake at an unknown hour while holding your crying child for who knows how long and you’re afraid to even check the time on your phone for fear that the light might wake them up completely and start the entire process over, love may not be at the front of your mind. I urge you to practice making it so. Love your child for where they are in that moment, not where you think they should be. I found myself getting upset more over my misplaced expectations rather than my daughter’s actual behaviors

Solace, Working Toward Peace

Once I found where I could be useful, I felt more like part of the team. Once I took my ego out of the equation, I found more gratitude in every step of the way, even the hard moments. Less and less I felt like a hopeless outsider and more like the integral father I hoped to be.

I’m still not perfect (of course 🙂 and there are times I find myself slipping back, but every step I take toward re-establishing my inner peace is one more brick in the foundation of the peaceful household I wish to build for my daughter. I’m not perfect, but I keep showing up. I’m not perfect, but I’m a good dad.

And that’s more than enough

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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