This dad reflects on how money became the conflict in his marriage and is now the conflict in his divorce. When you don’t have it, you can’t give it.
Okay the process was a long time coming. BUT… the recent responses to my #childsupport post (Dead Beat Dad) got me thinking.
FIRST: the primary online response (100% women) was “pay her what you owe her.” In fact, one woman went on to tell me she imagined my observations about my divorce were not how she saw things. (Um, duh! And thanks…) What I heard was a lot of anger about dads not paying their child support. And an immediate vilification of the man, even me, who appears to be making excuses.
In my mind I was trying to be the good dad. I was anticipating the income that hadn’t turned up yet. I WAS/AM working my ass off to get there again.
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I’m guessing that’s what my ex-wife thinks as well. That I’m making excuses. But that’s not the reality of the situation. Not by far.
SECOND: When pushed to the state as guardian model of management, I felt an immediate relief. Never again would my ex-wife be allowed to pelt me with the “when can I expect the money” emails and texts. Once the Attorney General’s office is involved, I can simply refer her to her caseworker. Sounds kind of hard ass, but that’s how it feels to me too. Getting my good will tossed back to the lawyers, or in this case, the legal machine of the great state of Texas.
THIRD: The kicker in the process is this. I have been OVERPAYING. I was aware I was OVERPAYING. I was willing to keep OVERPAYING in “anticipation” of returning to my previous corporate high of earning. So now, rather than OVERPAY any more, I’m going to reset the numbers and will start paying the actual awarded percentage of my income to my ex-wife. (approximately 20% before taxes) And going back the near three years that we’ve been divorced, that looks like something between $12k – $18k.
So my monthly bill payments are going to go down significantly with this reset as well. Hell, I’m starting to feel kind of chipper about the whole thing.
In my mind I was trying to be the good dad. I was anticipating the income that hadn’t turned up yet. I WAS/AM working my ass off to get there again. And in a moment of impatience and impulsive anger, she set me off to reevaluate the entire situation.
Maybe never having to be harassed about money by my ex-wife will be a good thing too. It’s not personal, right? It’s just business.
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I warned her that I would do this. And I did my dog-like grovel, “Are you sure this is what you want?” JUST LIKE IN THE CLOSE OF OUR MARRIAGE.
Today I sent her the response, updating her with my PLAN. Just an FYI, “here’s my unofficial estimate.”
I walk into this long-weekend WITH my kids, with a sense of relief. I’m not sure what she’s feeling about now, but that’s not my problem. And I could be wrong. Maybe the accountant will add things up differently. Maybe I made a lot more money than I thought I did. I don’t think so, but maybe…
Set the machine in motion and I’m gonna get a refund in the form of no-payments until we’re caught up. And then, I’m guessing my actual payments, based on reality rather than good-guy math, will sober her up a bit. Again, not my issue. But you can almost see the grin on my face, right?
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Now, I’m guessing, this post will cause another round of women being mad with me at being an asshole. What I thought I was doing in being the good guy dad was to provide for my kids and ex-wife in the way they had been accustomed to living. Unfortunately that didn’t account for the economic downturn and my loss of job. And of course, she didn’t have too much concern for my living condition. So being 45 days behind may turn into the equivalent of winning a small lottery prize. Or I may be way off, misguided, and a dead beat after all.
I’m sorry for the anger this kind of negotiation and settlement causes people. And I’m sorry there are real dead beat dads that have no intention of ever paying what they are supposed to pay their children and ex-wife. But that’s not me. However, I’m ready to get things back to the real picture. She really liked working the spreadsheets. I guess this is information she’s going to have to re-calculate. And now I can do the same.
And now I can pick my head back up off the ground for feeling so beat up and trying to manage an unmanageable expense. Heck, maybe never having to be harassed about money by my ex-wife will be a good thing too. It’s not personal, right? It’s just business.
Note of self observation: I’m feeling really sad now, at having written this post. It cuts back to the left-over hurt of the relationship, and my own wish that we could’ve afforded to have my kid’s mom be a stay-at-home mom. But we couldn’t manage that dream if we wanted to live in our neighborhood and send our kids to the good schools. So here we are. And now, giving her less money, feels good to me, it also re-scuffs the hurt of losing our dream together. But that, of course, cannot be recovered.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
@theoffparent
< back to The Hard Stuff pages
related posts:
- Love, War, Divorce: Why I’m Not Fighting My Ex-Wife About Custody
- Divorce is Not About What’s Fair, Let’s Get That Straight
- Divorce Recovery: Loving Yourself Better, So You Can Eventually Love Again
- On the Turning Away: Fighting with Your Ex About Money
I’m glad to see this being discussed openly here. One step at a time I guess.
Its child support, not wife support. I felt your pain and anger all through that article……made me smile (compassionately) that you acknowledged that at the end. Yes, its sad, the whole situation is sad but its just how it goes sometimes. You had the best intentions, to the detriment of you at times but you’ve sorted that out. Do detect a little, bitter sarcasm in your comments…..did she ask for ‘wife support’ or was it as you said “What I thought I was doing in being the good guy dad was to provide for my kids and ex-wife in the… Read more »
Onward and upward is the only way to go. We made a deal. We can renegotiate the deal. But turning the whole thing over to the AG’s office was unnecessary and hurtful. Thanks for your comment.
I have never understood anyone that “fights” to keep the house and physical assets with no long term plan of their own to pay for them. There are good and honest people everywhere that understand that the ending of a marriage means the end of other things too; and that you’ll all be A-OKAY if you choose to be mature about it. I don’t know your wife’s side and there are 2 sides to every tale; so my response isn’t meant to demean her feelings, hardships or struggle by any means. However, 3 YEARS (?!), that’s longer than some people… Read more »
Thanks Jennifer, I appreciate the comment. It should be a more fair system. I should go to court and have the child support amount changed. But even that feels like a form of war. I was the one who didn’t want to fight. I guess I will have to eventually.
I’m a female and I applaud this story. Fair is fair, reasonable is reasonable.
Child support is the only thing that makes sense 3-years post divorce.
Yes, Tom you sound like you have experience. And I agree with much of what you say. The economy changed everything. And when my wife lost faith that I was going to continue to make the big bucks that afforded her the part-time lifestyle, she was pissed. Well, I can tell you, that she is more pissed than ever. Because she’s having to work her ass off, just like me, to make enough to pay for her house. The fact that I’m paying for her house and eventually going to be able to pay for my own house again… Well,… Read more »
Off, I wish the best for you and your kids. I apologize for sounding unsympathetic. I’m sure you know you’re not alone. Hang in there.
“… provide for my kids and ex-wife in the way they had been accustomed to living” This confuses me. Why are you providing HER with anything? This is “child” support, isn’t it? Life sucks and just like COUNTLESS families in this country who lost their shirts with the recession (many of which have not recovered) mom and dad are working to make ends meet. “Accustom to living???” They were accustom to living with a mom and dad under the same roof and that went out the door, didn’t it. It’s 2015, “I am women, hear me roar” has been the… Read more »
Thanks Mark. I’m actually doing fine with it. I can only pay from what I earn. Sure she got the house and the majority of the time, but I’ve got my health, my good looks, and the ability to earn even more money to pay her. Oh, I mean the kids. It’s all for the kids. Really. I mean that.
Don’t beat yourself up too bad. Been there done that, over that. Found out everybody only was civil was when i overpaid my share. What an eye-opener that was. Someone in this situation is always the black sheep. Be as emotionally open to your kids as you can , support them as much as you can and do not worry about it.