How Learning to Communicate Better Transformed My Writing, Self-Esteem, and Relationships

When it comes to writing, I used to think the work should stand for itself.

As a newspaper editor for a decade, I had strong opinions about good writing. I thought all the best writers were lone wolves who worked tirelessly for years, scraping by on scraps they wouldn’t feed their dogs — suffering for their craft. I thought this approach was the only moral way to be a writer, and I was wrong.

I’ve stepped down from that soapbox in recent years.

The standard I’d set was making me miserable as a writer and a person.

The image in my head was created by a perfectionist living inside me. I have discovered that this perfectionist not only ruthlessly drove me but had equally high expectations of others, and those expectations were rarely met.

What changed everything was when I learned to communicate better.

Once I learned to speak more about my inner state with people close to me, I began to see the flaws in my logic.

In 2020, I returned to school for a graduate degree in communication. I began learning about the mistakes I was making when communicating professionally and at home. I started to see the patterns and traps I was falling into repeatedly during conversations. I began to identify when and why I’d experience strong negative emotions during difficult conversations and how to avoid them.

Learning how to communicate better began to help me in all areas of my life.

Four years later, I’ve done a lot of work on myself and my communication.

Here’s how learning to communicate better has made me a better writer, raised my self-esteem, and improved my relationships.

…

Lesson #1: Communication starts in your body

When it comes to interpersonal communication, how you feel in your body dramatically affects your communication.

Think of the last time you got into an argument with your partner. Were you tired at the end of a long day? Hungry because you just realized there’s no food in the house? Maybe you were lonely because you’ve been feeling unseen lately.

Run a HALT diagnostic on yourself before you utter something to your interlocutor (especially if it might upset them). Are you H-hungry, A-angry, L-lonely, T-tired? If you’re experiencing any of these, it’s best to take care of that need first.

Now, I’m entering conversations with a good foundation, having learned to take better care of my physiological state first.

…

Lesson #2: Your identity is in how you speak and write

The way you think about yourself will affect how you communicate with others.

How do you think about yourself in the social hierarchy compared to your conversation partner? What kind of home did you come from, compared to them? What’s the difference between your ages, your gender, your religious or political affiliation, and your income?

These (and many more) have hidden impacts on your communication.

In my graduate program, I was one of two white men in a cohort of 18. The experience was much different than what I was used to in my life up to that point, but it served as a stark lesson in realizing how caught up I was in my identity.

…

Lesson #3: The box

When you deliver new information to someone, they don’t always react as you expect.

Putting someone in this position is called “putting someone in the box.” The box is a place, a new situation, or maybe a new reality in which the person did not expect to find themselves. They may push back against the new information by acting out, shutting down, or removing themselves from the room.

You can’t control how someone reacts, but you can anticipate and plan for your reaction no matter how the other person receives it.

The key here is that you remain non-judgmental.

…

But, how do these lessons help you become a better writer?

I hope you see how simple awareness of these three lessons helps improve interpersonal relationships.

Once I started communicating better, I started communicating more. I was spending less time in my head. Over time, talking about problems with the people closest to me became easier. I learned these people cared a lot, were willing to help me, and opened up new possibilities.

The downstream effect was that because my relationships worked better, I became clearer-headed, and it’s been easier to focus on my work — the writing.

A bonus has been an increase in self-esteem. I am no longer avoiding difficult conversations because (with a lot of practice) I’ve become more adept at dialogue. Now, issues are resolved quicker, are less stressful, and do not halt progress on my work.

Mastering communication is a lifelong project, but starting with a few basic lessons can get you moving in the right direction.

…

Your Turn

I’m curious — are you a writer who has struggled with communication? Leave a comment below or shoot me an email. I wan’t to know more.

If you like this article, let’s stay in touch.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***

From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

***

Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.

All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.

A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.