So here we are, end of day 3 of this magical vacation in Greece with my ex.
Everything is pretty much perfect. The place is magical, he is gorgeous (which makes not getting too into it even harder), a perfect gentlemen and passionate it seems about me, about us. Considering he is so smart and full of interests and of a different culture, conversation flows, it’s fun, we laugh, we kiss, we joke, we take care of each other.
According to V, one of my closest friends who just reviewed vacation photos, he can’t be THAT smart if he’s planning on letting me go at the end of this vacation. I have to agree on this point.
Anyhow, he told me a while ago that if he were all in he would be like ‘okay, let’s do this, let’s make it happen,’ and somehow he seems to be unable to do this.
I tried to open Pandora’s box but it was almost impossible to get anything out of him. He literally told me he was going to close it.
Day 3: Quicksand
Let’s face it, it’s hard when all is going well to maintain the big picture view and to keep yourself from getting yourself involved again to potential breaking point.
This is the quicksand part of the vacation: when you try very hard not to put even a nail into it to ensure you don’t get sucked in.
I see the quicksand, I’m trying not to step in it.
Everything is absolutely perfect at the moment…s&%t!
Day 4: Have I stopped hoping?
To be honest, I am incredibly happy and I feel light in all that I do, in my decisions, in my happiness levels. I feel serene, I am having fun, but I haven’t jumped in the same way I have in the past. I am watching this unfold eyes wide open.
Admittedly sometimes I get a little bit lost or I dream about the future, especially since he told me marriage with me is a concrete and real option, but most of the time I base myself off of facts.
He also asked me to go on a second vacation with him at the end of August. All is good. I don’t even know if I want to go. I don’t know if psychologically I CAN go.
Do I want to go on another vacation with someone who is unable to fully commit and make real plans even if it’s because of cultural differences, previous experiences, personal quirks and not because of a lack of love?
Writing keeps me grounded and connected, in check, it’s my moment of self care I treasure every morning.
How long should we wait for?
I may have reached that moment of life where I believe there is no ‘one person’ for any of us. There are many people out there and we choose one.
The love, the time, the passion, the care we put into it and viceversa will equate in that feeling of love, of belonging, of feeling home.
Very very rarely we meet someone we feel we have met before, 99.9% of times it turns out to be a scam, a narcissist or a people pleaser, the 0.1% is so rare that I’m not even sure it’s worth waiting for. Maybe even the 0.1% has something to do with a chemical reaction rather than a recognition of souls. I’m not even sure.
So here I am, he’s in the shower and shortly he’ll come out looking gorgeous, I will cook him breakfast before we head to a perfect beach day and amazing date night this evening. All with a man who’s not quite sure he wants to nor that he is ready to be with me.
Unsure of the answer to the question of how long should we wait for, I decided to opt for what any smart 30-something year old woman would do: turn to ChatGPT.
Here is what I found out:
Deciding how long to wait for a partner who is unsure about committing can be a complex and personal decision, depending on various factors.
Here are some considerations to help determine what might be too long:
Factors to Consider
Communication:
- Has your partner communicated their reasons for uncertainty?
- Are they making an effort to address these reasons and work towards clarity?
Timeframe:
- How long have they been unsure?
- A few weeks to a few months might be reasonable, but extended periods without progress could indicate deeper issues.
Relationship Duration:
- How long have you been together?
- Longer relationships might warrant more patience, but the overall context matters.
Personal Goals and Values:
Are your long-term goals and values aligned?
Do you have a clear vision of what you want from the relationship?
Effort:
- Is your partner actively working on the relationship?
- Are both parties engaged in open and honest communication?
Emotional Impact:
- How is the uncertainty affecting your emotional well-being?
- Prolonged uncertainty can lead to anxiety, stress, and diminished self-esteem.
Possible Timeframes
Short-Term (A few weeks to a few months):
- Suitable if there is a clear reason for the uncertainty (e.g., recent life changes, personal issues).
- Both partners are actively communicating and working towards a resolution.
Medium-Term (Several months to a year):
- Appropriate if the relationship is relatively new and both parties are still getting to know each other.
- Regular progress and discussions about the future are happening.
Long-Term (Over a year):
- If there’s no indication of a resolution, it might be time to reconsider the relationship.
What should we do?
Ultimately, the decision should be based on our own personal boundaries. What you we willing to tolerate?
- Are my own emotional needs being met and is my mental health in shape?
- Is there a real potential for growth and happiness in the relationship?
- Is this person consistent and reliable or are there just lots of words that don’t match action?
Waiting for a partner who is uncertain about committing can be challenging and emotionally taxing.
In the end we must listen to our intuition.
In order to truly listen to the voice within us we need to take the time and space we need to make ourselves the priority until we know we are theirs too.
We have to take time to reflect, time for us, time for sports, friends, to make plans that don’t involve them just to ensure we are still standing on our own two feet and have not leaned in too much.
As a rule of thumb I’m going by: trust your intuition, prioritize your well-being, remember to love yourself at least as much as you are loving them.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Liza Cherniagina on Unsplash
