I have dreamed of a fairy tale love since I was a little girl. Granted, a lot of it was inspired by the movies I saw and the stories I read. However, as I got older, I started to see the kind of love I wanted for myself in other couples among my friends and family. I used to quietly observe them, adore them and wish for a person I would be so much in sync with, without having to sacrifice my sovereignty. And deep in my heart, I knew there was a person like that out there and that I just had to be patient till I found him. Little did I know, that my heart and soul were manifesting this relationship all along.
“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” — Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
Six months ago, I broke up with a man, I once truly believed was the love of my life. Even though it was 100% my decision, I was heartbroken and angry for weeks after the breakup. I was angry at myself for ignoring my gut feelings, afraid that I was a broken human being, pitied myself, and briefly even believed that I am unloveable… at least in the romantic sense. And then I was happy. Happy to feel like me again. Happy to realise that I can work on my flaws. Happy, that I am capable of healing. Happy, that I can work on being the best version of myself every single day. Somewhere along this journey, I also started to accept that I can have that fairy tale love, that I longed for as a little girl, with myself.
If I learned anything from my last relationship, then it’s that I will never settle for someone in my life as a life partner who doesn’t improve the quality of my life that I already have. I made that mistake once, and I am never going to make that mistake again. So, I was all set for my healing journey. I envisioned this journey as a long period where I would be on my own for a while, heal on my own, indulge in self-love and self-care, meditate, manifest, journal, etc.
But then the universe said: “Nope, darling. I have something better in store for you!”
When Devin asked me out, I was nervous and honestly, quite shaken. He is one of my closest friends, someone I love dearly, someone I value with all my heart, and someone I am so very grateful to have in my life. I am so proud of who he is as a person, who he chooses to be, and how he chose to transform his pain into growth. Never in my life did I think that he would see me the same way too. I knew I was dear to him, as a friend. But it turns out that he saw in me everything he has ever wanted in a life partner. I was overjoyed when he told me this. But soon, the fear kicked in.
How can I be in a relationship so soon after my break-up? How can I start something new, when I was still healing from the old? How can I recklessly jump into something that I am not ready for and hurt him — someone who is very close to my heart — simply because it was exciting?
You see, dear readers, I was convinced that I have to embark on my healing journey on my own. I was sure that I need to heal first before I can give and receive love again. But the thing about love is that it’s so powerful — beyond what you can possibly imagine. And the universe was so set on teaching me that lesson.
At first, when Devin proposed that we get together and see where it takes us, my imagination took over. I started imagining a life with him — all the big things and the small things. I imagined raising kids with him and having a home with him. I also imagined going grocery shopping with him and cooking dinner with him. And I loved it — oh, boy, how I loved it! I loved thinking about us. And that scared me off even more. I was convinced that I was going to fuck up my chance with him, by getting into this relationship before doing all the healing on my own and being ready.
But Devin wasn’t afraid. He wasn’t afraid of the fact that I was mending my heart, he wasn’t afraid of the emotions that I was feeling, and he wasn’t afraid of the hard work or the patience it takes to be with a person who is healing.
The thing about love is that it doesn’t wait for you to be ready. Love doesn’t care how far along you are in your so-called healing journey. And most importantly, love is not afraid. Love just enters your heart if you let it, and gives you the courage to open it up again to give and receive love.
If you think about life, it’s a long journey that constantly brings about healing, learning and growing through experiences. Someone’s healing journey is never separate from their learning journey, growing journey or loving journey. It’s all part of us, part of our being, part of our life — at all times. Devin showed this to me — through his words, through his actions, through his own life and through his love.
Now, I am not encouraging that someone should jump from one relationship into another. Reflecting on what they learned from their previous relationship about themselves, identifying where they need healing and focusing on the habits and patterns that they need to unlearn is an important process. No one should skip this before getting into a new relationship.
What I am saying is that, don’t close your heart off to love while doing all that, because adding love to the mix can work wonders. And by that, I mean love from yourself, your family, your friends…and sometimes it’s the love from your next partner. This was something I realised, only after I let go of the fear of “fucking it up” again.
Photo by Filipe Almeida on Unsplash
I am still healing and learning and growing from my experiences with my ex-boyfriend. But Devin’s love has only encouraged and supported me in that journey. Since he was already one of my closest friends, I was already very comfortable around him. I knew that I could always count on him to give me a safe and non-judgmental space to vent and cry but also to laugh and be happy. So, I was really lucky to have found a new facet of the love that already existed between us.
Now I am not afraid of “fucking it up” anymore and agreed to “see where it takes us”. And for the first time in a long time, that little girl — who believed in the fairy tale love, someone I buried very very deep inside of me, has resurfaced and is doing a happy dance around my heart again.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com
