Most married couples suffer from a lack of fun in their relationship. They take each other for granted as time goes by, and forget to do the things that initially attracted that person to them. Many couples no longer share the meaningful conversations they had when they first met, and instead, lead a monotonous life free from any fun.
Open Them Up With This Technique
It`s normal that couples lose some interest after spending a quite long time with each other. They no longer express themselves emotionally or talk about their dreams, fears or what makes them whole. They instead make superficial conversations that usually revolve around who does the laundry, or who picks up the kids from school this week, which —if they aren`t aware— can ruin their relationship.
To get that old spark back, you have to open them up and make them talk the way they used to when you first knew each other. Fortunately, this can be done using a technique called Anchor, Reveal, Encourage, or ARE. This is a conversation tactic designed by a speech pathologist, and author, Carol Fleming to help her clients crack any awkward silence and make people talk more without appearing creepy, and it works this way…
Say you both are watching Die Hard, and you want to get her to talk, you can say something like, “John McClane is my best non-fiction hero ever. The man is a bullet magnet, always the wrong place at the wrong time. If you`re to live in a movie, what movie would that be?”
Anchor: Which is simply a comment about something in your mutual, shared reality. You were watching Die Hard, so you made a comment, “John McClane is my best non-fiction hero ever.”
Reveal: Add a second comment that reveals something about you thus you justify the opener and avoid looking needy. This is when you said, “The man is a bullet magnet, always the wrong place at the wrong time.”
Encourage: Invite them to speak with a question. Example, “If you`re only allowed to watch one action movie for life, what will that be?” Or, “Ever saw someone who attracts that much of problems
everywhere they go?” Or, “Who`s the unluckiest person you`ve ever met?” Or “If you`re to live in a movie, what movie would that be?”
You can use this technique anywhere you go, anytime you want. All you have to do is make a comment —any comment— and ask them an open-ended question. Eventually, they will respond, and both the duration and frequency, of your goofy and intimate conversations will increase.
If you`re an interrupter, or rarely give your partner the chance to speak up, they may resent you, or at least won`t be excited talking to you. This was proven by Harvard neuroscientists Jason Mitchell, and Diana Tamir, who believe we`re most excited talking about ourselves because it stimulates the brain regions responsible for dopamine secretion.
“I learned during my Vow of Silence that the best conversations aren’t about what you say, they are about what you hear,” writes the famous behavioral investigator, Vanessa Van Edwards, who made a little experiment by vowing not to speak for a week after one of her friends called her an “interrupter”. The bestselling author of Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People was able to make better connections during her silent week than during months of meetings and interrupted conversations.
Tease Like You Used To
“Traditional teasing is also meant to get someone’s attention, maybe rattle their confidence a bit, and motivate them to engage in more conversation,” writes John Neffinger, co-author of Compelling People: The Hidden Qualities That Make Us Influential. According to Neffinger, teasing with a warm smile can be playful and very seductive. The combination of strength and warmth makes playful teasing alluring and lots of fun, one of the most potent forms of flirting. It’s a win-win, women love it, and men love to see women enjoying being teased. Teasing is also a very good way to initiate sex.
And don`t worry about thinking teasing is hard. You`ll get better with practice. All you have to do is be a little bit cocky or use some push-pulls. Just put a smile on your face and throw a phrase of disinterest along with a phrase of interest, and you`re all set. Something like this:
“You look pretty today . . .well, sort of 🙂 ”
“Regardless of that tuna casserole you made last week, you can cook pretty well.”
“Wow! I absolutely hate those pant. But you kinda pull them off”
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project, please join like-minded individuals in The Good Men Project Premium Community.
We have pioneered the largest worldwide conversation about what it means to be a good man in the 21st century. Your support of our work is inspiring and invaluable.
The Good Men Project is an Amazon.com affiliate. If you shop via THIS LINK, we will get a small commission and you will be supporting our Mission while still getting the quality products you would have purchased, anyway! Thank you for your continued support!
Photo credit: Getty Images