I’ll never forget the moment that a former partner of mine changed how I saw myself.
I’d been complaining to him about my lack of productivity and follow-through. It was an old refrain that I could barely stand to hear, anymore.
In a quiet moment when I looked to “Adam” for his input, maybe his agreement? He paused, looked at me intently, and said: “I don’t see you that way.”
His tone was so even and matter of fact that it caused the turmoil inside of me to come to a halt.
Adam held his gaze and his presence, steady, allowing me to slowly take it in what he had said.
Cutting through to the truth continued with him in this way – softly but relentlessly. He insisted on seeing me in the light of truth, not through my self-judgments or his own. And as a result, I stopped telling the old stories about myself that brought me down.
Men look at women but they don’t often see them – not like Adam saw me.
To see a woman is so very different from looking at her. Adam saw me – not as he thought I should be, but as I was. He saw me too as a woman, not as a feminine version of himself.
One day when I was feeling particularly emotional and afraid he’d judge me for it, as so many men had, he said: “Of course you’re emotional about this. You’re a woman.”
Many people might think his comment sexist. But coming from a man who loves you and who sees you clearly, it had the most incredible and unforgettable effect. I felt seen as a woman for the very first time.
A lot of men, before Adam, had seen me at the level of how I looked. They got caught up in that. The fact that I was a woman was secondary. In fact, any part of me that didn’t jive with their idealized image of me was essentially ignored.
In my book, Open Her, I dedicate an entire chapter to seeing a woman and how it feels to her, and why women crave this experience with men. Most men understand that a woman likes to be looked at and complimented, but miss the deeper opportunity to love and to open a woman through this masculine gift.
To see a woman’s physical beauty and tell her so is a wonderful exchange. No woman tires of that. But to point out who she really is and may not trust in herself, yet, is a gift beyond measure. The beautiful thing is that men naturally possess this power to see, and all they need to do is to turn it up.
I was changed by Adam seeing me as who I truly was. I became more of who I am because of his loving generosity.
I’m not suggesting that it’s a man’s job to unleash a woman’s authentic self. Rather that a man has the power to see deeply and to illuminate the beauty and truth in the woman he loves – and that it’s a gift to be given and shared.
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Photo: Getty Images
Excellent writing Karen. I totally agree that this is what most of us women want,
“to be seen, really seen.” This article is helpful for both men and women.
Kudos!
I certainly try to live like this. Appreciation, not comparison. And all of us, of both sexes, are often our own worst critics.
Thanks for this Karen. Always encouraging to hear from a woman about what she needs and appreciates in a man, rather just than a list of what we do wrong.
Good article. I’ve always felt that one of the greatest gifts I can give as a partner (or receive for that matter) is to state my loving truth about her (this is how I see you) not only to acknowledge all of who she is but also to provide a radical new positive perspective in opposition to the self-limiting, self-deprecating images she may have accepted about herself in the past. To me, this is what love is really about.
When a man is a friend of their partner they will not judge. They will listen, comment but not judge. You would not consider someone who judges you or points out faults in you a friend, would you. If someone tells you who you are, how you are broken or how they think you should improve yourself then they are not really a friend, especially if similar input is not accepted or asked of you by them. In the example above the man says he does not see her that way, excellent use of the word I.