How Money Affects Your Relationship

Established relationships break down because of money. Even good relationships develop cracks.

Brothers and sisters fight over money. When money enters relationships, it becomes complicated.

In this medium article, we’ll try to learn not about personal finance, but about relationships, specifically.

How to bring money into relationships?

How to view a relationship from a financial perspective?

How can we ensure that this relationship, which is so beautiful and so important to us in life, doesn’t get ruined by money?

We’ll talk about four relationships

The relationship of money with parents.

2. The relationship of money with friends.

3. The relationship of money with colleagues and acquaintances.

4. The relationship of money with your life partner (husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend) ≤=== Most Important

1. Money Relationships with Parents

Start with the relationship with parents. Now, the relationship of parents with money is very, very, very sensitive.

So, whatever I say is my opinion; it’s not necessarily the correct opinion.

Change it according to your context, think about it, and then do whatever you think is right. Please do it.

My opinion is that till the age of 18, it is the complete responsibility of the parents to fulfill all the needs of their children, not only their education but also their lifestyle, and to some extent, their party equipment, whatever phone they want to buy, laptop, everything.

Till the age of 18, parents should work as hard as they can to give their children whatever they need in life, financially.

And you can want to be independent even before that. I remember that my wife and I started giving tuitions in the school itself.

I started giving tuitions in the 8th or 9th class. I used to give tuitions at a very small level. I used to earn around $100 per month, but in those days, $25–$50 was enough for me to do everything.

Sometimes I would watch a movie, sometimes I would go out to eat with friends.

And then when I reached 11th and 12th, I started taking higher-level tuitions and started earning around $300–$4000 per month. And that’s it.

We had the means. And I was very happy with that. Of course, they helped me in every way with my studies, so they paid the entire fees.

We went to University through One I. My sister and I had subsidized education, so it was very good because of that.

I started getting a scholarship in my second year, which reduced the fees a little, etc. But I was very clear that till the age of 18, put as little burden as possible on your parents, but even then, they have the biggest responsibility.

After 18, things change. This is the first step that you have to take. After 18, I believe that the duty of parents is limited only to their education.

Wherever you go to study, however much you want to study, wherever you want to study, your parents should work as hard as possible and help you, but after that, the expenses of your food and accommodation, your clothes, your gadgets, your party expenses, and your entire lifestyle are your responsibility.

You have to make this money by doing anything, by doing everything. You have to make a living for yourself.

You can’t ask your parents for money. So, do internships, do projects, do freelancing, do side gigs or jobs, day or night, whenever you get the chance.

Because this is what will give you financial independence. Many people will not agree with this. Many will say that during studies, you only have to study.

But I feel that you don’t just learn to earn money. You also learn how life works when you work with someone, when you freelance, when clients give you feedback, when you have to think about pricing, think about closure, and negotiate.

These are all life skills that college doesn’t teach you. You learn these only by earning money. And this is something that you should learn the day you turn 18.

And then from 18 to 30, you focus on yourself. As soon as your studies are over, in a way, your parents’ entire responsibility is taken over.

The burden has been lifted from me that you have to do your wedding with your own money.

Many parents save money for the wedding, thinking that we will do a grand wedding, we will do this, we will do that.

Now what whatever they want to do, they can do because they also have their own wishes, they also have children, they also want a grand wedding, and it is an absolute luxury, but it should not be that you want a lavish wedding, but your parents will sponsor it.

If you want it, bro, then you contribute money. If you want to get married on the Beach, you contribute money. If you want to get married in the hills, you contribute money.

If you want to get married on a farm in Barcelona, you contribute money.

Wherever you want to get married, in whichever five-star hotel, you will bear the expenses of that because that is your wish.

If your parents have any wish and you are aligned with that, then they can probably bear the expenses of that, but you have to pay for your desires very clearly.

And from the age of 18 to 30, invest well. Whatever money you earn, don’t think about giving it back to them.

Family, because it is expected that your parents will still be of working age, so they are earning for themselves, so they can take care of themselves.

If it is a difficult time or there is a great need, of course, help them. This is without thought.

But if they don’t need that help, then the first saddle we normally leave with our mother, saying, “ Mom, this is my first salary, it is yours. That is what we all should do.”

But after that, my suggestion is, for 30 years, there is no need to contribute towards your parents’ income.

You should focus on your investments so that you become financially independent and secure.

After 30 Years, your parents will start nearing retirement age. And that is when you should start contributing slowly to your parents’ income, not because they need it.

Because it will be a good cushion for them from a self-respect perspective, from an ego perspective, from just a conditioning perspective, we are now starting to take money from our children, little by little, to plan for retirement age.

You have to warm them up for that. You have to warm them up for that because many parents, especially, are hesitant to take money from their daughters.

We go and whatever societal restrictions or notions there are of preventing them, that you have to start challenging that and start helping them, so wherever you can, slowly and gradually, you should plan this.

I still remember what I remember, I mean, it still happens
that every month, my wife transfers a certain amount of money to her mother’s bank account.

Mom keeps saying that she doesn’t want it, she won’t take it, she won’t take it. My wife says that you don’t want to use it, don’t burn this money, throw it away.

I don’t care. I just want you to know that whenever you need money for any reason, there is money in your bank account.

It’s like an SIP that my wife does for every mom. Same thing.

We are 44, so around 32–33, we started contributing to Our Parents’ Income. I also send money to my parents every month, and they use that for their living expenses after 40 years.

When you turn 40, in my opinion, you should take 100% ownership of your parents’ income because most of them have retired by then.

Now, I am respectful about their retirement situation. From late to graduate and from graduate to late to retired with a lot of PF, a lot of gratuity.

Everything is stable, everything is absolutely fine, but even then, you should fulfill their entire monthly needs, and you should be responsible for managing that.

So, what should be their SWP or systematic withdrawal plan, what should
They need to know what time, how much their insurance should be, health insurance, whether they are getting annual health checkups, there is a plan for their travel. All these things should be your responsibility; that’s how we do it.

Whenever my wife’s mother travels, of course, all her plans are there. Between the three of them, there is my wife and her two brothers.

So, between the three of them, when my parents travel, we do all the planning and everything is taken care of, so they don’t have to worry about where this thing will come from or how it will come.

And most importantly, for their self-respect, you also have to ensure that they never have to ask for it.

They don’t have to be in a position where they are in their heads begging for money from their children.

So, the monthly expenses that you will be giving them will be accessible so that they always have a corpus.

And whatever their ad hoc needs may be, be it travel, buying a phone, or doing something else, you will ensure that that happens because you are responsible for managing their entire retirement life from an income perspective.

According to me, this should be the relationship between parents and money.

2. Money Relationship with Friends

This is a study trick, but there is an approach to this, too.

First of all, the definition of friendship

The definition of friendship is that with this person, I am ready to maintain friendship for the next 10–20 years, and I can do it.

It is not that he is in my class, it is not that he is in my colony, it is not that he is in the bus with me. The meaning is different.

With the people you know, they are not friends. A friend is a friend for a few years, which means for 10–20 years, they will be in your life and will play an important role.

Now, according to me, there are three things for them.

Number one, have you ever lent money to those friends?

Please do not expect that money. If that money is returned, it is great.
But when you give that money, give it with the thought that the money is not going to be returned.

Not because the friend is a scoundrel, not because the friend is miserly, not
because there was no intention of giving money to the friend, because money should never come between friends.

So, if the friend kills his ego or really treats you with the understanding that the friend is a younger brother, younger sister, or elder brother, Elder sister, you need money, and you ask for it, you will give it.

Don’t think brother, you asked for it and gave it, the money did not come back, I am not even thinking that this money will not come back, nothing will be lost in my life.

That should be the criterion for you to lend money to any friend when they need it.

Secondly, because of this, if you ever lend money or give money for help.

Do not expect interest from it, do not give it on interest, as soon as you bring the money to a certain interest level or bring it to interest level, cracks start appearing in the friendship.

Don’t make that mistake!

Thirdly, a very important thing is the daily expenses, whether you go to a party, go to a movie, rent has to be shared, electricity bill has to be shared, water expenses, whatever groceries, etc.

Clear it at that very moment. It is not that it continues till the end of the month, use any apps, it has become split-wise or whatever, and just keep the account and keep doing transfers.

Rapidly, clear it of, don’t keep any Small Debt in Your Head. Never keep any small debt in your mind, especially with friends.

This should be the approach when it comes to friends. Money should never come into friendship, and you should be very clear that, friend, I am giving this, and I don’t expect it back.

But this is the day-to-day or a normal day’s expense. Which I will be clear about, and I expect you to as well.

3. Money Relationship with Colleagues & Acquaintances

Colleagues and acquaintances have a very clear principle in my life.

Never give them any money. You will always maintain a professional distance.

So, in your office, if your colleagues, who are not your friends, ask for money, you should say very clearly that, in a professional setting, I am not comfortable lending or borrowing money.

So I am really sorry, I will not be able to help. Of course, it depends on the amount because if someone is asking for $1-$5 for a coffee. You will give it again, don’t expect it back if it comes, then it’s great.

But if someone is suddenly asking for $500 $1000 $ or 5000, then you will put your foot down and say sorry in a professional setting. Neither do I ask for money from anyone, nor do I give money to anyone.

Because I feel that is a clean way of doing it. So common, really sorry. I will not be able to help you.

Same thing for acquaintances. If you met someone like this, who is in your class, in your bus, in your metro, in your colony, and they roam around somewhere and ask for money from you, don’t feel the guilt of saying NO.

Don’t feel the pressure of saying YES, I am ready to give you. You have to put your foot down, NO friend, I, as a principal, do not lend money to people that I don’t know very well, and I feel that I don’t know you well enough to give you money.

I am really sorry, and that is it. Of course doesn’t always happen; sometimes you have to give money, or you might give it out of guilt or pressure.

If this happens with colleagues, please document it with your acquaintances. You won’t do it with friends, saying Hey Sanjeev, you took so much money from me the other day, we have a friendship of 20 years, return the money. Otherwise, you will go to hell. Hahahaha!

But with acquaintances and colleagues, you will document, hey Sanjeev, this is just to put on record that you have borrowed $500 from me on the 4th of December 2025, and you had promised that you would return it in a month. This is just for your information.

When you document this, you will basically put things on record.

Because tomorrow, if something like this happens, you can always use that as proof to make yourself guilt-free and to show the other person that, brother, you had to give this money, you had promised to return it, and you must pay it back.

4. Money Relationship with Partner

Which then brings us to the fourth relationship with money, your partner, girlfriend, boyfriend, or, more importantly, your long-term marriage partner.

How to look at them with money? And there are four things that I will discuss in this.

1. Whenever You Enter into a Love Relationship

It is very important, I say, that there is a way to judge a person.

What is his thinking towards money?
What is his thinking towards faith or religion?
What is his thinking towards ambition?

If these three thoughts are aligned in a way:

That your approach towards money and his approach are more or less the same.

The approach towards faith or religion is more or less the same.

The approach towards ambition or professional journey is more or less the same.

The two of you may have a healthy and fruitful life. But wherever the disconnect starts coming, there it starts to break down.

Now, regarding money, the first thing is to try and understand that a person’s financial history is more important from an experience perspective.

It is not about how much you earn or how much you have invested; it is more about whether you were short of money in childhood or had a lot of money.

How did your attitude towards money develop because of that? Because it is possible that if there were a shortage of money, then your attitude towards money would be very different.

If there were a lot of money, then your attitude towards money would be very different. And you would then, of course, have to align with that.

For example, both my wife and I have a very middle-class background.

So both of us know what it is like to travel by bus, what it is like to walk to a distant bus stop, and what it is like to stand in a queue to get a bus pass.

What does it mean if the money is not coming somewhere, if the fees are getting delayed? It is not that if you travel anywhere, buy anything.

If something happens anywhere, you always have to measure, you always have to budget; that is why what is the principle or importance of investing.

All of those are very similar between my wife and me. Yes, it was different because he had a little more money and was a little more comfortable.

But the respect and appreciation for money was very high in both of them, and that was where we aligned on our experience when we were growing up with money.

2. Discuss and know about the partner’s Financial Goals.

Do you want to buy a fancy car and a fancy house?
Do you want to spend that money on traveling?
Do you want to spend that money on fancy clothes?

What to do with this money because every person wants to earn money, but very few people think about what they will spend it on after earning it.

And both of you must want to spend this money on similar things.

For example, I still remember that for the longest time, I was very interested in real estate. I wanted a house in every city. There should be a house in every mountain.

When there is a lot of money, there should be a house in every country. And my wife was always of this that you can rent everything on rent, then why buy it? When can you take everything on rent?

If you have so much money, then you will buy the most expensive things on rent, you can live in the most expensive palaces, because how many times will you use a house if it is not your main house?

If you buy a farmhouse, you build a house in a hill station. How long will you go there in a year, 10 days, 20 days a month?

Now, for that one month, even if you stay in a very good place, let’s say, at least for a night, rent of $1,000, then you will spend $30,000 per month,
and to buy that property.

You will spend who knows how many $1, $2, $5 million, now if that $5M is worth only $30,000 every year, then it means that even if you go every year for your entire life, you will not be able to repay it.

This is the story of just one house. If you buy many houses like this, then what is the benefit?

What happened was that in the beginning, at least we were in this category. There was no alignment regarding this, and we burned a lot of fingers, and then I realized that this is stupid. I raised my hands and said, Baby, you are absolutely right. I was the fool.

We will rent everything now. So technically, apart from the house we live in, we don’t have any major assets.

Our car is also on rent. We travel to very good places, live in very good places, but none of them are our own.

We are ready to pay a lot of money, but we don’t want to buy it. We don’t want to maintain it. We don’t want to hire staff. We don’t want to get into that hustle.

We don’t spend our money on mere clothes or expensive shoes. It’s not that we are changing our phones every year or buying some branded sunglasses.

We love spending our money on travel. And there is 100% alignment. We have a very clear understanding of our financial goals, which we will earning money, and the best use of that money will be our experience.

We will go to tennis tournaments. We will travel well. We will use excellent guides to visit places and understand the history behind this. We will eat delicious food, which will be healthy, which will be nutritious, which will be local. We will fly very well, and all of that will be our best use of money.

So, regarding financial goals, we should 100% align.

3. Always Maintain Financial Transparency

Financial transparency means that at any point in time, my wife knows what my income status is, and I know what my wife‘s income status is.

I also know how much money she has in her bank, what is invested, and she knows how much money she has in my bank, what is invested.

There is 100% financial transparency, and this is important because when you have financial transparency, it means that there is trust in the relationship.

Trust is the most foundational thing for building any relationship. So,
If you trust each other, not just when it comes to emotions, but also when it comes to money.

You will build a strong relationship by definition, and she allows this transparency.

So, we have an Excel sheet on that Excel sheet where all the bank account numbers and passwords are.

Of course, this is not online; it is offline, so we have shared it remotely, that is, in offline mode.

I have a list of all the investments that I have made, and she has the list of all the investments that she has made.

If God forbid something happens to me or to me tomorrow, it should not happen that beyond insurance, we do not know which investment is kept where.

Everything is known at all points in time, and that is very important for ensuring transparency and trust.

4. Get to know their approach towards investments

This is perhaps the trickiest, but perhaps the most important thing. It means that if you both have an income or not, how do you look at that income and your expenses?

There are four ways.

The fourth one is the best, according to me, but let’s talk about all four.

1. Expense sharing methods: 50–50 share

It’s like a clear partnership; it is respectful of income. I will pay 50% towards expenses, and you will pay 50% towards expenses.

And I never did this because we feel that one is very unfair, two is very transactional. Why does it seem unfair?

Because my income and his income are not the same. Second is transaction, it seems like 50%, friend, it looks like a partnership, it may feel like one, but we are one.

It is a relationship; there is a dimension of finance in that relationship. But the foundation of this relationship is not finance.

So why should this financial 50–50 make it feel like it is a partnership at a business level? So while it exists, I would dismiss it.

2. Expense sharing method: Income-based share

Then number two, which becomes a step ahead and at least for fairness, is income-based; that if the collective household income is $100, and suppose one partner earns $60 and the other partner earns $40, then we will say that the expenses should also be in the same ratio.

So partner one will pay 60% of the expenses, and partner two will pay 40% of the expenses.

Expenses will be given, at least it’s for the sake of fairness.

But again, the smell test of a partnership and not a relationship is failing, at least in my mind.

It still feels like a business deal, and how much is yours, how much is mine, how much are you, how much am I, all this will continue, and dozens feel like the right thing to do.

3. Expense Sharing Methods: Complete Pooled-in

Then the third, which is the next upgrade, is pulled in, and pulled in is like it doesn’t matter how much partner one’s salary is or how much partner two’s salary is.

Both of them are in the same account, and both of them spend from the same account.

So imagine that the husband and the wife and the boyfriend, and the girlfriend do not have their own individual bank accounts.

The salary is banked; from there, as soon as the salary is credited, it goes into a common bank account, which is a shared bank account, and all the expenses are done from there.

The good thing is that it is a shared bank account, so at any point, you can see what the expenditure is being made for and what it is not.

And essentially, this is a pooled way of making it happen now. Now, this sounds fair. It also gives the idea of a relationship.

There’s a little dilemma in it, I think, that individuality gets completely erased. Then there are things that we want to do on an individual level.

Let’s say I may want to buy something or do something that my partner does.

For example, I spend a lot of money on tennis, and sometimes it also happens on gadgets, so I buy a gadget or a tennis racket, or tennis shoes, and my wife is like, I don’t think this expense was necessary, and I know she’s right.

So, in a way, it won’t feel bad that I took money out of the pooled account for myself, and then you will be like, okay, if you do this, you also buy something for yourself or do something like this.

Then it becomes like this: you gave so much money at the wedding, so I will also give the same amount back, and the shagun(Indian Wedding Culture Money) will always be maintained, there will be a balance.

Because that is the holy truth of society, I feel that it becomes a slightly more complicated thing, while better than approach one and approach two.

4. Expense Sharing Methods: Pooled In + Individual

What it means is that partner 1 and partner 2 both have salary bank accounts, and both of them will say that we will keep 10%, 15%, 20% or whatever is there from this for ourselves, and the rest will be swapped into the common bank account.

So that 10%, 20% becomes your individual fund money, play money. You can use it in any form. But it is not your investment amount. It is, as I said, your fun money and your play money.

So, from the common pool, you will spend your monthly expenses. From that, you will spend on your needs, from that, on your desires, and from that, on your investments.

So, your investments will also sell up as one. Some couples make a twist on that, like in our case.

We have the company as the common pool; it is 50 per cent owned by my wife and me, and all the investing is done through the company pool, but from the salaries we get as individual salaries, we make our personal investments and also meet our household expenses.

So, my salary covers the school fees of the children, which is a significant amount, and the rest I invest from my wife’s salary for household expenses.

So, all the help’s salary or groceries, etc., go into it, and then she also invests these investments in our personal capacity.

So, she likes investing in digital gold, in mutual funds, so she will do that. I will invest in small cases and everything, and I will do that, and the company‘s bank account becomes our common investment pool because it is 50–50% owned.

We make the decision of where we want to invest. And we will be like, real You don’t have to invest in an estate, yes, you can invest here, you can invest here and so on.

So these four options you could have a 5050 you could be an income sharing you could be completely pooled and you could be pooled plus individual my preference pooled plus individual, that will ensure that a relationship will remain, individuality will also remain and it will not feel like a transaction.

These four relationships with parents, with friends, with colleagues, and with your partner are the most important and probably 90% or if not more of all relationships.

And in this, if you bring in the money properly and make it good against it by adding food to it or by adding cracks to it, you will have, of course, a much happier, fulfilled life.

And this was the purpose of this story please give me feedback what are the things that I missed.

What are the things that you felt very good How can you take a new approach to combining your money and your relationships?

From tomorrow onward, I would love to hear from you.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.