How Narcissists Fight: The DARVO Tactic

DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender

DARVO is a common manipulation strategy of psychological abusers. They will deny the abuse ever took place, attack the target for attempting to hold them accountable for their actions, and claim that they themselves are actually the victim in the situation, thus reversing the role of victim and offender. It often involves not just “playing the victim” but also victim blaming. The term DARVO was coined by Jennifer J. Freyd, a nationally-renowned expert on the psychology of sexual violence and institutional betrayal.

I remember when I first heard about the acronym DARVO. It felt like all the lights went on in the room at once, and I thought, “Wait, they all do that? It’s a known thing?” And yes, dear reader, in fact it is.

DARVO is a form of gaslighting by the toxic person. It takes place in intimate partnerships, families, the workplace, and is even used widely by public figures. In fact, it was one of former U.S. President Donald Trump’s classic tactics any time he felt he was backed up against a wall. It was also featured in this South Park episode in which the fictional president advises DARVO as a way to deal with accusations. Ugh.

Anyone who has been involved with a highly toxic, psychological abuser in any way probably has their own examples of this tactic. It looks something like this (and as in the South Park clip, can often happen very quickly):

Deny–I didn’t do that. You’re wrong. How dare you? I would never do anything like that!

Attack–Level One: You’re stupid, you’re crazy, you’re drunk, you’re insecure, etc. You’re trying to ruin me. You’re not so perfect yourself. What about what you did or said?

Attack Level Two: I’m going to sue you. I’m going to get you for this. I’ll tell everyone about how crazy you are. I can make your life miserable. You’ll be sorry you ever tangled with me.

Reverse Victim and Offender–I’m the real victim here, I have to put up with your craziness and insecurity. Everyone is jealous of me and trying to take me down. My enemies set me up. She seduced me, I didn’t want to. Everyone takes advantage of me because I have such a big heart. Boo hoo poor me.

DARVO works because it is highly disorienting and often not the response you are expecting. For example, in the early days of my relationship I simple wanted to bring up how I was feeling because he seemed a little distant. He aggressively “DARVO-ed” me (no I’m not, what’s wrong with you, you’re crazy and insecure, I’m wondering why I ever got involved with you at all, you’re really hard to live with, I can’t work with this kind of stress and drama). I was caught completely off guard and confused. My nervous system went on high alert and I had no idea what to do.

So what should we do? There are generally two strategies. One, stay focused on the original topic. State the original question or request again, with the same tone and the same words. If they DARVO you again, repeat yourself ad nauseam until they get bored. Ignore their digs and do NOT defend yourself. Hold your ground and do not take it personally.

The second strategy is to simply exit the conversation. Walk away. You can’t productively engage with their DARVO-ing because it is, to use a technical term, nuts.

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This post was previously published on BUTNOWIKNOWYOURNAME.WORDPRESS.COM and is republished on Medium.

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