How Should I React When My Kids Say They’re LGBTQ?

According to a poll from Gallup, we reached a new milestone.

7 percent of the population of the United States of America now identifies as being a part of the LGBTQIA+ community. What this may mean for the rest of the world, I cannot say, but I know how it makes me feel, and I’d like to give my perspective on it as a father.

I’m not just any father, though. I am the parent of three children, all of whom identify as being a part of that community themselves. My wife and I do, as well.

All three of my children identify as part of the LGBTQ community.

My eldest came out to me first, informing me (with some trepidation, I might add) that they were Pan, Poly, and Bisexual. This was some years ago, before the term Pan became more common parlance, so I will admit I didn’t fully understand the significance at first, but I smiled and told them I was happy for them if they were happy. As the years have passed and I’ve grown to a deeper understanding of things, I am that much more pleased they could find some peace in their life.

My youngest child, still living at home, came out to their mom and I as, at first, bisexual. This is when they were around thirteen years old and, again, to us, it was not a big deal. When they later realized they were Trans, that, too, was accepted with open arms and open hearts.

Finally, my twenty-year-old son just a few weeks ago came out as bisexual, and we’re so happy he felt secure enough to let us know.

The LGBTQ “Problem” isn’t.

I look through media articles and listen to all the talking heads discussing the LGBTQIA+ “Issue.” All the implications that have come with “accepting” the community as the norm, rather than the “outsiders” they once were even a few decades ago in my life (always a shameful state of the status quo back then), leads me to asking myself why people make it as big of a deal as they do.

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You see, as a father, raising children from infancy to adulthood, it never came as a surprise to me to discover my kids were not hetero-normative. I may not have fully understood the implications of being Pan that my eldest came to be, but it did not surprise me to learn there was something there. I knew them well enough to know they did not fit within the “normal narrative.”

The same can be said about my youngest. I already knew without them having to say a thing.

I was, and am, completely okay with it. Why wouldn’t I be? It’s their life, not mine, and the only thing I can hope for is they have peace and joy within their lives, whatever that may lead them to.

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My children’s “normal” isn’t like many others.

My youngest talks to me a lot about their friends and how some of them feel deep fear over the thought of telling their parents the status of their lives. A few have even spoken about how, when they broached the subject, they were not only ostracized, but cast out of the house or beaten.

I’m sure you have heard the same stories or even experienced that in your own life. If that is the case, I am sorry you have endured it and I hope you can find solace some day from it.

The point I wanted to make, however, is how deeply it disturbs me when I hear of such things. As a parent, I could never imagine taking that kind of step with my children over something that is simply a part of their existence. It’s not a choice or a lifestyle, after all. Their status is theirs; it’s who they are at their core.

One parent I knew some years ago told me they were angry with their child for being gay, and they tried to punish them when younger. In nearly the same breath, they wondered why their son never talked to them anymore, lamenting that they wished the communication could be different.

Well, what did they expect? If what is the biggest part of a child’s life is cast aside as either irrelevant or even punished, how could that same child be expected to accept anything the parent says from that point forward? They eliminated the greatest factor of trust at the core, and the harm of that can be irreversible.

I think the number is much higher, but remaining hidden.

I see this number in the news today, that 7 percent of the USA now identifies as being some part of the LGBTQ community, and I have to wonder if the number is wrong.

I think it’s much higher.

The problem, though, is so many people still feel it’s unsafe and harmful for them to come out, skewing the numbers much lower than the reality.

I’m willing to bet it’s closer to 20%. If I look at the people I have had the chance to encounter in my own 51 years on this planet, that feels much closer to the truth.

I’m totally okay with that. Why shouldn’t I be? It’s their life, after all.

I only hope, whatever life brings to anyone, it’s nothing but peace and joy.

Thank you for being you.

Keep striving to “be the best you that you can be” at this moment. Remember, no matter who you are or what you’re going through, you are worthy of being loved. Don’t let anyone teach you anything different.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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