How Some Men Slip Past ‘Man-Up’ Indoctrination

A nonbinary friend pointed out recently that, although xe agrees that escaping the man box — or “man-up” indoctrination — is not likely, except maybe for Spider-Man, some men appear to slip by relatively unscathed. After running through our catalogs of male friends, we each confirmed this observation.

‘Man-Up’ Indoctrination

One may reasonably argue that raising children involves numerous forms of positive indoctrination by parents, peers, teachers, and other authority figures. We don’t usually use such a harsh term for parenting, but there is very little difference. We assume that parenting is about everything good and healthy in little boys and girls, whereas indoctrination suggests something malign and anti-social.

Mostly we give very young children the freedom to explore their assigned genders. Little boys and girls play dress-up games, frequently cross-dressing because it is so much fun, or wear comic book hero costumes. That is, when parents can get their kids to dress in any clothes at all. Kids under the age of five would much rather run around naked and carefree.

We adults don’t give much thought to these kinds of behaviors among the youngest children. Their innocence shines through in ways that are so joyful and spirited, most of us cannot help but smile.

But as children reach a certain age, naked is no longer acceptable. After five years of age, it is time to start acting like society expects young men and young ladies to act. Girls get frilly pink dresses and tights, boys get tiny blue jeans and workman boots.

Yes, I realize there are many exceptions to this manner of parenting, especially among millennial parents. More on this in a moment.

More serious is teaching children how to behave. Girls begin forming close social bonds with other girls, they are allowed to be reasonably emotional but to work out issues with their girlfriends. During adolescence, girls are encouraged to wear clothes that hide their developing bodies, and to sit in mays that keep their underwear private.

Boys are encouraged to be independent little men, tough guys, to hide emotions other than anger and aggression. We teach them to fight with their fists on the assumption that they will need to defend themselves, and to work things out by pinning the other kid to the floor. During adolescence, boys are encouraged to dress in form-fitting shirts and pants, and whenever possible to go shirtless, accentuating their manly muscles.

Peers are major influencers in the adolescent and post-adolescent years, effectively overriding whatever a child has learned from her or his parents. Childhood peers are cruel, relentless in their hostility or exclusiveness, and strictly hierarchical.

I was raised to be a man, so permit me to focus on my own experiences. I was fortunate to have had fairly enlightened parents, particularly my father who was an unusual man for his generation. He was always encouraging toward me but was also sensitive to my needs. He left me alone when he felt I needed that, and he let me figure things out on my own at times because he knew I particularly enjoyed this.

My peers, in contrast, were brutal in the extreme. I had a tic disorder and a severe stutter as a child, and so for much of my childhood, I was subjected to nearly continuous emotional and physical battering. While any neurodiverse child may expect to be targeted, my situation was anomalous. I became solitary and introverted, qualities that have shaped my adult life.

Similarly in adult men’s groups today, we often confront childhood bullying as a form of adverse childhood experiences or ACE’s. Many men find that they have been struggling for years with the emotional consequences of these experiences.

But why is escaping “man-up” indoctrination generally impossible? And why do some men appear to slip by relatively unscathed?

First, is escaping such indoctrination even possible? This goes to the essence of the man box concept. Certainly, there are a set of rules for behaving and living “like a man,” but the true wonder of the man box is its enforcement powers. Mark Greene in his remarkable 2018 book “The Little #MeToo Book for Men,” points out that even in it’s earliest version:

“[The man box] refers to the enforcement of a narrowly defined set of traditional rules for being a man. These rules are enforced through shaming and bullying, as well as promises of rewards, the purpose of which is to force conformity to our domination-based culture of masculinity.”

Second, while no one born male escapes enforcement — because the enforcement begins so early for boys — some appear to slip by with relative ease while others survive the bullying and trauma and emerge to discover their true gender identities.

The first category includes boys whose personalities automatically make them outsiders. These are the nerds, bookworms, science geeks and (at least in my boyhood) trekkies, most of whom mature into gentle, soft-spoken, empathetic men.

The second category includes males who, at some point between boyhood and the teenage years, come to realize that xyr true gender identities are completely outside the man box. These boys-becoming-men are gay, trans, queer or nonbinary and have slipped by in a different way. Many as boys were bullied relentlessly by other boys only to survive with xyr spirits intact and xyr gender(s) conforming to models distinctly beyond the man box.

We do not mean to imply that these individuals escaped the enforcement tactics of the man box, since many remain traumatized and wary of cis-gender men long into their adult years.

Yet there is irony in the suggestion that in some cases, those same enforcement tactics helped push these boys toward realizing and perhaps better understanding xyr true gender identities. Boys from both categories are so far outside of the traditional gender binary that even the enforcers want nothing to do with them.

That is to say that these boys become ostracized at a young age, identified by their oppressors as fags, nerds, geeks, homos and many other more severely derogatory terms.

And yet being ostracized provides these young people opportunities to seek their own paths. Many join up with others of their kind and live on the margins of mainstream gender roles.

The Art of Slipping By

When we talk with adults today about their childhood experiences, a select few must stop and think it over. “It was okay,” said one man, tentatively, “I was always a quiet nerd.” A woman answered like this: “I hooked up with a small group of girls and we stayed clear of the nasty cliques.”

One gay friend explained, “Yea, they beat up on me at first, but even during adolescence I was always over-the-top gay, and soon they just left me alone.” Very often we find that child bullies give up on those who do not fight back. We need to remember that all gendered behaviors during adolescence and even into the teen years are performative, meaning that the actors need others to witness the abuse they wield and cower as they walk by.

If this behavior sounds familiar, it is because in many cases, the child bullies are oppressed by their own behavior, and never grow out of it. Lacking natural empathy, they carry these tendencies into adulthood, always searching for new victims.

Adult bullying may not look or sound like the childhood variety. These men may have learned gaslighting and other diversionary skills in order to gain power and dominance over others. They have not slipped by and will never overcome the domination-based culture of masculinity in which they are anchored.

As growing boys, it seems that the trick to slipping by man-up indoctrination is to be so far beyond the range of “acceptable” as to be seen as bizarre and icky. The “ick” occurs when small habits or behaviors are perceived as disgusting, and the observer develops a feeling of general aversion towards the person.

Another popular theory is that those who slip by have sufficient levels of empathy so as to accurately read a bully’s intentions and stay away. Many of the adult men who managed to slip by appear to have exceptional empathy skills, although it is difficult with any certainty to trace these adult skills back to childhood experiences.

Millennial men represent an often-cited group who appear to have grown-up beyond the influence of bullies. The most likely explanation here is that these men felt free to embrace a certain degree of gender fluidity during their adolescent years, and to grow into cis-gender, gay or nonbinary men who are secure in their gender identities.

As for Spider-Man who first appeared in Marvel comics in 1962, his secret identity was a teenager named Peter Benjamin Parker. Parker is portrayed as a science-whiz orphan being raised by his aunt and uncle. During his participation in a science exhibit he is bitten by a radioactive spider which gives him his special powers.

Parker succeeds through his teenage years partly because he is a science nerd and partly due to his exceptional powers. We should all be so lucky.

Vic Caldarola is the founder and lead facilitator of the Shine a Light Men’s Project, a men’s mindfulness discussion program, and a member of the Still Water Mindfulness Practice Center. He holds a PhD in Communication Studies.

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