[This post is excerpted from Why Smart Teens Hurt. To learn more, please take a look!]
Children grow up believing in quests, in the quest to rescue the trapped princess, the quest to return the magic stone to its rightful place, the quest to save the world from fire-breathing dragons. All this quest fantasizing has the insidious effect of buttressing the powerful, unfortunate and ubiquitous two-thousand-year-old metaphor that we are to search for meaning, that the search for meaning is also some sort of quest, that meaning has been lost or stolen, that it is out there somewhere, and that we had better go find it or else stand bereft of meaning.
This conglomeration of Disney fantasy, hero’s journey mythology, and fundamental misunderstandings about meaning seeps into a smart teen’s pores and alienates him from everyday meaning-making, from the meaning that he could be experiencing when he plays catch with his younger brother, laughs at his great-aunt’s stories, or says a few words to that cute girl in algebra class. He could be experiencing meaning in countless ways and every day of the month, if only he didn’t have it in his head that meaning was “something very different from this” and “somewhere very far from here.”
Everything he does and experiences stands in relation to this myth and comes out second best. Play catch with my brother when there is a guru in India who knows so much? I must meet that guru! Enjoy my great-aunt’s stories when they have nothing to with the history of philosophy? I should be consuming medieval philosophy! Flirt a little when God has some mysterious plans for me? Back to the bible! In such ways does “now” come to feel completely inferior to some idealized, mistaken vision of a far-away world where “real meaning” is experienced.
It would be lovely if children were taught that there is nothing out there, that there is nothing to search for, and as a result were rescued from the alienating mythology that the here-and-now is inferior to something labeled “spiritual,” something that is ticking away on a clock they can’t see and can’t fathom. Their teen years could become prime meaning-making years if they were helped to discern what was important to them and if they engaged with those important things. The result would be the experience of meaning.
Not only would they experience much less alienation, they would learn a most amazing skill, how to coax meaning into existence by turning their thoughts and feelings about what is important into life purposes. They could stop jumping into the empty sea, hoping to find a sea creature or a secret and only drowning there, and learn how to translate the values and principles they want to uphold into a way of life that suits them.
Instead of feeling that they ought to be searching for meaning because it seems to be lost, they could stand erect, existentially solid. What lesson could possibly benefit them more?
For parents
It is quite likely that your smart teen is wounded in a way that you can’t see, wounded in the area of meaning. This is no physical place on her body and there is no doctor to consult, certainly not self-proclaimed soul doctors. The wound is caused by her misunderstanding of the nature of meaning, a misunderstanding that you may share. You, too, may feel that you have never found what you were looking for, that you never arrived at that port where meaning was docked. If you, too, feel this way, read on, as what I have to say to your smart teen may amount to important news for you, too.
For teens
If you are feeling alienated from the present moment and from your present life, a large part of that alienation may be coming from this idea you have, promoted and supported by a variety of master narratives, from God narratives to quest narratives, that there is something “out there” that you are currently separated from. That felt separation is terribly painful and may make you desperate to find “it,” leading you to some occult church or some far-flung expedition.
The truth, which you may not be able to hear at this moment and which may take you a lifetime to really process, is that the meaning you crave is “just” a certain sort of subjective psychological experience, something more like a feeling than anything else, something that comes and goes inside of you, just as joy comes and goes and anger comes and goes. It is not something that is “out there” for you to find. Once you process this truth, you can make your way without those painful feelings of separation and alienation, living your life purposes, whatever you choose them to be, and making your way in life.
Life can feel meaningful right now if you can let go of the idea that there is more to life than life. There is no extra-life something to hunt, as if everything hinged on finding a white elephant. If you can let go of that idea, you can begin the long process of feeling through what’s really important to you, whether that’s love, physics, political action, adventure, family, ancient history, nature walks, building with your hands, abstract math, or all of the above in your own amazing, idiosyncratic mix. Not a one of these is more “spiritual” than the other, “spiritual” being a trap word used to suggest that meaning only exists in certain places “out there,” in places like hidden lakes that take days to find, or guru-led communities, or vaulted cathedrals.
You are the arbiter of what you consider important. If you focus on what you yourself believe is important in life, life will feel meaningful to you some of the time (but not always, because meaning, like any feeling, is bound to come and go). Heal the wound caused by the mental mistake that you are separated from something—from gods, from arcane knowledge, from robed figures, from universal secrets—by letting go of the idea that you are separated. There is nothing to search for in the realm of meaning. When you stop searching, because you have seen through that myth, you will find yourself rescued from alienation.
[This post is excerpted from Why Smart Teens Hurt. To learn more, please take a look!]
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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