How to Avoid 'Demon Dialogues' with Yourself

In a moment of playfulness, I brushed my partner’s hair and it was the trigger that flipped us into, what Sue Johnson calls, a “Demon dialogue”. A conversation where the thing that happened isn’t the thing that’s causing the upset. Both people have actually been triggered and you are essentially poking each other’s past traumas with sticks. When you can catch them, it’s game-changing. We do most of the time but this one slipped the net like Roadrunner on speed. It ended up being a useful reflection for both of us.

Brief backstory. My partner has curly hair. If brushed Diana Ross on a come down appears. If you’ve seen the TV show FRIENDS, you get the reference, “It’s the humidity!”. The thought of that is a mild trigger for my partner due to some difficult stuff around her looks imprinted on her by her mum’s insecurities passed on in childhood. So, in a moment of weakness at feeling a boundary had been crossed, she snapped and gently slapped me. This triggered me as, even though it was only a tap, I could feel it was out of anger and people acting in anger towards me equals I get defensive. So, instead of just saying sorry, I protested my innocence at how unjustified the “physical abuse” (my words — for the record it wasn’t at all) and literally pointed the finger at her and said, “No”. This triggered a memory of being talked to like a child — a much bigger trigger for her — and then we both dove in headfirst into adding fuel to an argue-like-children bonfire.

After a brief, but slightly calmer, round two we both fell asleep feeling things were okay but certainly not rosy between us.

During my workout in the morning, I replayed the tête-à-tête in my head to break down what went wrong. Let’s face it, we both over-reacted massively and I know that’s 100% a sign of a trauma being ruffled. I reflected that perhaps the reason I found/find it hard to say “sorry” at times is/was because of the shame that was imprinted upon me in childhood due to an incident of me sticking chewing gum in someone’s hair on the school bus. As an adult, I can see the idea behind the parenting technique as valid for sure. However, I have a body memory of feeling that the punishment did not fit the crime. It felt unjust because my friends egged me on so, as a wet-behind-the-ears thirteen-year-old, “It wasn’t my fault. Other people made me do it.”. It was, of course, my responsibility. I chose to spit the tacky gum into my hand and in a moment of weakness, because I desperately wanted to be accepted, I chose to bully someone. However, at that age, to have to write a letter of apology (what felt like in my own blood) and do a twenty-minute walk of shame, trudging through the brown sludgy snow up to the victim’s house to apologise to them and their mum felt a little harsh. Okay, the snow reference was for dramatic effect but, man, I don’t think I’ve ever felt so, “out in the cold” and ashamed in my life.

This wasn’t the first time a simple “Sorry” from me would have saved a lot of tit-for-tat but I now realise saying sorry when I feel it’s unjust, for me, equals feeling deeply shameful so, instead of allowing myself to feel it, I avoid it and deflect instead. Hopefully, I’m one step closer to catching it on the fly next time.

Thanks for reading. As always, there’s a practice below to try out.

With gratitude,

Adam 🙂

PRACTICE: The Pause

WHY: If you’re arguing to prove yourself right and them wrong, it’s not constructive, it’s childish.

HOW TO START: It’s not easy but, if you notice you’ve reacted, have a word that you’ve both agreed on in more sane moments. “Pickle” is a common one used. One that means, ‘Alert, Demon dialogue approaching”. That will give just enough space to go away from each other, cool off and come back to discuss, constructively what caused the upset.

P.S. Read the book “Hold Me Tight” By Sue Johnson if you’d like the ability to navigate relationships better.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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