How to Be a Better Listener

Why must we listen?

Because Understanding is the foundational pillar of lasting relationships.

People fail to realize that in relationships, understanding the other person matters much more than making any different kind of romantic gesture.

Everyone is wired differently, and conflict arises when differences emerge. But those differences make us who we are; they stand for the lives we have lived and are a testament to where we come from. So, the next time you argue with a loved one over something, try to sit with them and understand where they are coming from. It will bring empathy, compassion, and love to the relationship.

Your partner might want to save money instead of taking that vacation, not because they do not love you but because they had a financially difficult childhood. Did you bother to ask and listen?

Why are we naturally inclined towards talking more and listening less?

Because voicing our thoughts and opinions helps us gain clarity about who we are and what we think. In other words, it helps us understand ourselves.

But here’s an interesting catch:

Listening can also helps us understand ourselves better.

Stories and experiences of other people can offer relatable insights and give us language for our feelings.

Our focus diverts when the speaker gets lost in adding trivial details that do not have much to do with us. This is natural because the people we listen to daily are ordinary people, not professional authors or speakers whose work and speeches have been edited tremendously before being shared with the public.

How to listen better?

Just like you have been taught in high school to read between the lines, being a good listener requires you to hear beyond the trivial details. And such a hearing requires active involvement in communication.

1. Bring them back to the main topic

It is natural for the speaker to divert from the main topic and talk about a related story that does not give any information about the main issue. Therefore, as a listener, you must politely bring them back to what they are talking about initially.

Example:

I recently told a friend about a conversation I had with another friend, but the whole conversation got derailed, and I started sharing how I met this friend.

In such a situation, it is okay to stop the speaker from getting distracted and say something like, ‘so a minute ago, you were telling me….’

The whole idea is to keep the speaker focused on the main topic.

2. Ask how did the experience make them feel

To better understand the other person’s experience, it makes sense to ask them how it made them feel emotionally. Help them open up and hear without judgment. This will help you because their insights hold the power to offer you more perspective about your own life.

Here are a few pointers for avoiding judgment:

Knowing what they are revealing can prevent you from falling into a similar state of chaos,
If what they share has already happened to you, take solace in knowing that being human entails making mistakes and, as a result, developing greater self-acceptance.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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