How to Be Alone and Not Alone

I recently fell in love with a man I am madly attracted too. It’s been a year and we’re in sync. But I’m not ready to live with him or even get married. I don’t know if I ever will be.

I love my space, I love my house.

I love it when my sister comes over and it’s just the two of us, laughing and taking about nothing.

I love that I only cook when I want to, what I want to.

He comes over my place and I feel like I miss my old life. A time when I would choose when I want to see him, cause it’s not every time.

I don’t like his feet on my futon sometimes; I work very hard to keep a clean house. I just want to curl up my living room chair and eat a big bowl of cereal unbothered.

I don’t want to think about what we’ll eat for supper. I’ll cook mine. We can share, I don’t mind. We could visit each other when we want, we don’t have to be in each other’s space most of the time.

I just want to lay in my bed and cry without being comforted.

I don’t want him to eat the bread I saved for later. Nor use my microwave or my washroom, my electricity and water when I can barely afford them.

I don’t need help if he is going to want a piece of my life in exchange. He can take his sugar, toothpaste and eggs.

I feel like I’m slowly losing myself to a place I’m not aware of.

But I wanted this. Mornings with him, afternoons together and nights side by side. Looks like I wanted all the things I don’t want anymore right now.

How can I tell him that I want him but I still don’t. That we can be together but still alone.

I love my routine. Mine. I’m not ready to have him always in it. Not right now. Will I ever be ready?

I’m afraid it is him knocking when I hear the door. I don’t want it to be him. At least not now.

I want to be alone but with him.
And I hope I can make him understand this.

…

Thank you so much for reading my story.

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