How to Become Someone Worthy of Respect

Outside of my immediate family, no one respected me for the first 18 years of my life. I was bullied, used, and looked down on. My way out came from Karate and Boxing, but I gradually became too aggressive.

This is the main problem — there’s a fine line between respect and fear. They even look the same to the untrained eye. But people that fear you hate you. When they’re friendly, they’re acting, and they’ll turn on you at the first opportunity.

I’ve learned from my mistakes and hope I’m now worthy of basic respect. So how do you struggle to find that middle ground between the doormat and the aggressor? Let’s look at how to become someone worthy of respect.

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1. The foundation of respect.

I remember as a police officer trying to pull over a disqualified driver. He sped a short distance ahead, parked, and changed seats to pretend his passenger was driving.

The problem was I was the passenger in the police car, and the quick change of driver was obscured from my vantage point. My driver saw everything and assumed I did. After I pointed out my view was hidden, he pressured me to lie.

Later, other officers got involved and piled on the pressure, but I stuck to my guns. It didn’t make me popular, and I don’t doubt that the driver did change seats. But if I didn’t see it through no fault of my own, what could I do?

Respect starts with yourself, and I could look in the mirror and be proud that I didn’t succumb to pressure.

Integrity is the foundation of respect. It requires unwavering honesty and strong morals. One lie can undo years of scrupulous honesty.

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2. Active listening saves lives — maybe even yours.

Some criminals with a history of fighting the police didn’t fight with me. Not because I was tough but because, in previous encounters, I’d treated them like a human being.

If a criminal comes quietly, it makes sense for all concerned to be civil. I’ve known other officers being beaten up who were saved by other criminals who respected them.

Respect gets the officer protected. Fear would have been catastrophic.

As much as it hurt, I’ve forced myself to empathize with child abusers to put them at ease and get a confession. I liked it when they attacked me, but I wouldn’t start a fight with someone that was no threat to me.

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. It’s essential for building relationships.

Next time you talk to someone, stop rehearsing what you want to say and listen to them. Rephrase what they said and check that you understood. Make eye contact and make them feel like the only person in the room. It’s not about offering advice but about sharing human moments. I’ve had people thank me for my help when all I did was listen.

Active listening saves lives.

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3. Take responsibility for your actions.

There’s nothing worse than someone who tries to pass the buck. True leaders make decisions and stand by them no matter what.

I remember a young man had barricaded himself in his bedroom. I was the most senior officer on the scene (which wasn’t saying much as the others were brand new). As I tried to reason with him, he told me he was cutting his wrists but that if I came in, he would cut his throat.

I had a life-and-death decision to make. If I had called for a negotiator or a specialist entry team, he could have cut himself to ribbons by the time they arrived. But if I went in, he could cut his throat and die that way.

I asked my colleague to get some shields and decided to go in. I tackled him as soon as possible, and he cut his throat superficially before I got the knife off him.

Later I had to account for my actions. If he had died, I would have been responsible. I did what was best with the info I had at the time.

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4. “I was just doing my job.”

You’ll notice a common theme if you’ve ever watched bravery awards on TV. Whether it’s the military, emergency services, or your average person on the street, they are very uncomfortable with the word “hero” and constantly say, “I was just doing my job.” It doesn’t occur to real heroes to behave in any other way. They don’t see it as special unless someone says it to them.

Compare that attitude to your average “Walter Mitty.” They do the occasional good deed and want the world to know about it. They record themselves patronizing the homeless with donations so they can put it on youtube and be told by thousands what wonderful people they are.

Boasting is very ugly. It puts people off and makes you look like a jerk. Instead, be modest and unassuming. Listen and learn from others and never assume you know it all.

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5. The most valuable thing we possess.

Time is the most precious thing we have. Even money only matters when it’s buying you freedom. Therefore, one of the most incredible acts of disrespect is being late. You’re telling someone their time doesn’t matter. You’re taking something from them that they can never get back.

We’re all late occasionally, and it may not be our fault. But if it becomes a habit, I cut ties with that person. Not only are they telling me they don’t value me, but they are showing me how disorganized and chaotic they are.

Do you want to be associated with someone always running around like a headless chicken and never keeping up with their obligations?

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6. People who act disrespectfully meet their match.

I remember one of my first adventures to a nightclub — a place of absolute hell with horrific music, simmering violence, and the smell of drink and vomit. A guy arrived who had a reputation for being a hard man. Even his handshake was menacing.

People started to line up to buy him drinks. The subtle implication from his manner was these drinks were “protection.” Everyone treated him like royalty… for a while.

Later in the night, a huge commotion occurred on the dance floor. I witnessed a dethroning of a phony king before my eyes. The tough guy was on his hands and knees, and several people were kicking his head like a football. No one came to his aid.

You’ll meet your match one day if you walk around being horrible and disrespectful. People always remember that stuff.

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7. Pass on your good fortune.

If you’re reading this, it’s safe to assume some good fortune has come your way. You have a device connected to the Internet, can read, and have time for entertainment. You should find a way to pass this good fortune to others.

I have had many blessings, so I chose to be a volunteer at a suicide helpline. Some people have told me I helped them, but they helped me too. I learned how to communicate. I found a purpose in life and gained a lot of self-respect.

Often, when you do good things, good things also come to you but don’t do them for that reason. Be selfless.

. . .

The most crucial kind of respect.

By developing these traits, you can become someone worthy of respect. It’s not easy, and one slip-up can negate your hard work, but the rewards are well worth it in the form of solid and meaningful relationships.

On top of those, you’ll gain self-respect — the most important kind. When you radiate self-respect, you tell others how to treat you. People warm to you and want to be friends.

You can look in the mirror and be proud of what you see. And isn’t that the ultimate goal?

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This post was previously published on Publishous.

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