Some people just won’t take no for an answer
Have you ever had to deal with a “friend” that:
- Comes off as initially as overly nice.
- Always steers the conversation back to them and their problems.
- Feels entitled to your time, your energy, and your resources.
- Uses guilt-tripping to manipulate you to do things for them and gets angry if you say no.
- When you need their help, they have every excuse as to why they cannot.
- Positions themselves as the biggest victim.
- Complains about seemingly everything but has no desire to do anything about it.
- Pressure you to intervene in their conflicts with other people.
- Nickel and dimes everything trying to get an advantage?
- You feel totally drained every time you interact with them.
And do you find it hard to get people like this off your back, not only because of their high-pressure tactics but also because you’re a compassionate person who truly feels sorry for them?
Do you find yourself alone in knowing how abusive this person is behind their mask of “niceness?” and what’s worse, have to fend off people who are lobbying on their behalf?
If so, you are not alone!
My encounter with a narcissist
I have dealt with more than a few toxic types like this. A few years ago, I met Nora (I’m using a pseudo name to protect her identity). She came off initially as very friendly, told me she’s an empathetic person, and since I was dealing with some challenging situations myself at the time, I thought I’d found someone who understood what I was going through.
Soon though, her niceness turned into demands. She got distraught and took offense if I couldn’t spend time with her, which went from a few times a week to daily. If I say no to her demands, she will rant about what a terrible friend I am, how I lack empathy, and how no one cares about her. She’s even asked me to cancel my plans with other people (including with my own family) to hang out with her and gets angry at me when I don’t.
For a while, I gave in to her requests because I was not particularly eager to upset her, and I wanted to show her that I care about her, but after it happened multiple times, it took a toll on me. I became anxious whenever she called because I knew more demands were coming.
I was burnt out and tired of her constant complaining and playing the victim when she had no intention of doing anything to change her situation. It seems that she complains simply to get attention.
Can you relate?
At that time, I did not understand narcissism to the extent I do today, and her behavior baffled me.
Understanding narcissism: overt vs. covert
My impressions of narcissism are that of the stereotypical, flamboyant type à la Don Draper from “Mad Man.” Nora is an introvert and came off as a bit socially awkward, so I did not connect her to narcissism.
It was not until I started to immerse myself in the literature about personality disorders that I understood now that Nora likely suffered from a form of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) called covert narcissism, also known as vulnerable narcissism.
Roughly 6.2% of the general population have clinical levels of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). The study Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Diagnostic and Clinical Challenges (2015) indicates the existence of two subtypes of narcissism: (i) Overt narcissism (also known as grandiose narcissism), characterized by the personality traits of grandiosity, arrogance, and boldness; and (ii) Covert narcissism, also known as vulnerable narcissism, characterized by the personality traits of defensiveness and hypersensitivity.
When people picture a narcissist, most, like me, imagine the overt type of narcissist because they are much easier to identify and are the type featured prominently in movies and the media.
Overt narcissists are outgoing, loud, often superficially charming, and appear larger than life. On the other hand, covert narcissists are introverted and can come off as self-effacing or withdrawn in their approach. At their core, though, both types of narcissists are self-centered, entitled individuals with a grandiose sense of self, prone to exploit others, and lack empathy.
Because their sense of self is exaggerated, they have to expend a lot of energy to protect it from reality that does not align with their desired self-image while also constantly seeking validation from others to shore it up.
It takes a lot of work to maintain a false self-image, and they are often unable to regulate moods effectively, so they require others to perform the regulation for them.
Many NPD individuals come across as manipulative; they find it very difficult to tolerate distress or criticism, so they seek to control external circumstances and others to minimize unpredictability. At the same time, NPD individuals are also fearful of being their authentic selves in relationships because that leaves them open to being exposed as fakes. Their relationship with others is often superficial and self-serving, and only in so much that these others help boost their self-esteem. Their mistrust towards others and inability to be genuine in a relationship leave little room for interest in others’ needs or feelings.
“When I look at narcissism through the vulnerability lens, I see the shame-based fear of being ordinary. I see the fear of never feeling extraordinary enough to be noticed, to be lovable, to belong, or to cultivate a sense of purpose.”
― Brené Brown
If you’ve had any sort of relationship with a narcissist, you’ll know what it feels like to leave an interaction with them feeling empty. You will find yourself doing most of the heavy emotional lifting in the relationship.
Although the covert is more likely to appear emotionally accessible, it tends to be for show only and is usually done with intent to exploit. They might start by doing small favors for you to gain trust quickly, but as the relationship progresses, they will manipulate you through disregard, blaming, or shaming to keep you trapped and obliged to give in to their demands.
In particular, one of the covert narcissist’s manipulation tactics is deflection. If you confront a convert narcissist about what they did wrong, instead of acknowledging the harm they’ve done or taking any responsibility, they will manipulate you by putting the focus back on you. They will bring up something you did or need to do or point out your imperfections (which you previously shared with them in confidence) and use them as ammunition to hold over your head to make you feel bad.
Many people have fallen victim to an (introverted) covert narcissist because they are more challenging to spot than the extroverted (overt) narcissist, whom you can often see coming from a mile away.
Protect yourself through boundaries
If you want to cut ties with a narcissist in your life, or at least minimize contact, start by acknowledging this: You can’t please everyone, and it’s not your responsibility to make everyone happy. Remember that your time, space, money, resources, etc., are all yours to decide how you wish to allocate. Whether you want to spend your time with someone or not is entirely up to you. She does not get a say.
If, like me, the narcissist gets angry when you say no to their demands, make sure you do not then cave and give in to whatever they want. A boundary is only meaningful if you hold firm. If you give in to their demands after setting the boundaries, you show them that your boundaries are not real, and they will keep pushing your boundaries because they know you will let them.
Instead, when someone tries to push your boundaries, simply restate the same phrase over and over again, like you are a Public Relations (PR) person. Don’t explain why you have a boundary; you don’t owe anyone an explanation for why you have a boundary, and the more you feel the need to explain yourself, the more you signal that your boundaries are up to debate.
Have you seen a PR person in action? The PR person repeats his prepared line, regardless of what curveballs a reporter throws at him.
For illustration purposes, let’s say you decided that you will not speak with a toxic friend on the weekends from now on.
You: I know you would like to talk on Sunday, but I cannot speak with you on the weekends.
Your friend: Why not? We spoke last weekend.
You: I am reserving my weekends for my family from now on.
Your friend: Am I not like a family to you? Do I not matter?
You: You matter; however, as I said, I am not available to speak to you during the weekends.
Your friend: You are so selfish. It’s all about you and your family, and you never cared about me.
You: You are entitled to your opinion. However, as I said, I am reserving my weekends for my family.
If you keep repeating the same line over and over, regardless of what tantrum your friend throws at you, eventually, she will run out of steam. If she starts attacking you verbally or yelling at you, you are well within your rights by cutting her off, and a simple “Let’s stop the conversation for now so we can cool down” is sufficient before you hang up the call.
If you hate disappointing people (and who doesn’t to some degree?), having this conversation can feel very challenging. Sticking to your boundaries means that you have to be okay with disappointing people from time to time, and saying the same PR-like line over and over again can feel awkward at first, but like anything else in life, practice makes perfect. Practice what you plan to say by speaking it out loud or in front of a mirror, and role-play the scenario with your partner or someone you trust.
If you find it hard to say no to others’ demands because you feel it is selfish to do so (and no, it’s not selfish to protect your own time and energy!), you might find it helpful to consider how saying no to this friend benefits your loved ones. For example, if you are a mom, think about how saying no to unreasonable demands helps you conserve more time and energy for your children. By saying no to, you are saying yes to something way more important to you.
Consider cutting ties
If the narcissist in your life refuses to take the hint and continues to badger you despite your repeated attempts to communicate your boundaries, consider backing away from the relationship, if not cutting ties altogether. Life is too short to be dealing with toxic people.
In the future, make sure to take your time to get to know someone before you let them into your inner circle. Narcissists and abusive people, in general, have a shallow affect, and they know that time is not on their side. It is much harder for them to hide who they really are if you allow the relationship to develop slowly and pay careful attention to the red flags. If you also hold strong boundaries, narcissists are generally smart enough to know that you have their number, and they will quietly move on to easier prey.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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