How To Deal With an Abusive Partner

Just pack your things and go.

The moment someone turns aggressive, this person decided to throw all rationality to the wind. They have given up on conversation and resulted to aggression and this is an animal you’re dealing with, not a human. No matter how much they are suffering, get out.

Offer no explanation. No ‘let’s sit down and talk.’

Just go. Even if you have children. You do not want them to be subject to abuse. You do not want an abusive spouse or partner to set the example.

No matter if you leave everything behind.

It will save your heart to leave. Leave the valuables you have if it will keep you from being abused. It’s hard to say, and tougher to do — but the freedom you feel afterward is priceless.

If you’re pursued…

Yell FIRE at the top of your lungs. This will alert the neighbors.

If there are no neighbors, plan it so that you have the keys to your vehicle and explain you need to go to the grocery store. If your partner suspects something, tell them you need fresh air. Tell them “Look, all of my things are here. I’ll be back in a few minutes. Some fresh air will do me good.”

The animal may wish to go with you. Don’t argue it. Make sure that you have an excuse to go to the supermarket that’s closest to the police station. Pull into the police station when convenient, and if your abusive spouse tries to stop you, just lay on your horn until a cop arrives. Make a big scene. Show the bruises. Show the photos. Make the abuser go into a holding cell for a night. Get the person fingerprinted. File for a restraining order.

And while this is happening

Feel free to stop and look at your spouse or partner who brought things to the boiling point and tell them how you’ve never felt more empowered, and free, as you are right now. You are so relieved that finally Justice is here. And you never have to deal with this person again without adequate protection by law.

If you are gaslighted

If a narcissist has broken you down to where you feel your identity is waning, please leave. Do not interact with this person. It will do no good. Like attracts like. Get a restraining order if needed. Do not listen to someone who tells you negative things all the time. It will break you down.

Common statements you will hear from an abusive partner:

“You’re sick. Go see a therapist.”

“You’re a loser. I don’t know why I am even with you.”

“You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“I never said that. You’re blowing things way out of context.”

“You’re the one who is doing damage here.”

“I did that because I was only trying to help.”

“Awww, someone wants attention?”

“You’ve never done a single thing for me ever.”

“I have to do everything because you just don’t get it!”

“Why do I even put up with you?”

“I could have been with anyone I want, including people much more attractive than you.”

“I never cheated on you. You’re blowing things way out of proportion. I meant nothing by it and you see? You’re overreacting again. I don’t know why I put up with you. You’re such a disgusting human being. Look at you.”

“Sure, go ahead, keep looking at that attractive person. See what happens when we get home.”

“Who is that messaging you?”

“Why do you even bother writing? Why don’t you get a real job?”

“Some of us actually have to work and have real jobs.”

In Summary

If a person is verbally, physically, environmentally, or emotionally abusive toward you — by staying with this person you are subjecting yourself to hell.

Anyone who repeats negative statements to you, while you are trying to take a leap of faith, and build yourself up, to mend your heart, is no longer supposed to be a part of your life. See this as a clear sign that it’s time to go.

If you are an empath, you will wish to hold on. Tell your partner the behavior is unacceptable, that it can never happen again. Go to therapy. Together. With a neutral party to mediate. If there is an unwillingness to do this, give no warning — leave.

It’s not worth it. If you have children, and your spouse/partner is uncooperative with providing access — get the authorities involved. Get restraining orders if you’re subject to abuse. Don’t look back. This person is now a phantom.

One last caveat. Remember — if you appear unfit as a person or parent, and you go to child protection services, you risk your children being taken from you.

Be good. Be stable. Be solvent.

Think well. Feel well. Live well.

-W.V.Carleton

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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