There is a scene in the 1985 film ‘Young Sherlock Holmes’ that serves as a good example of child psychology. Watson walks into a room to find Holmes attempting to play a violin, but the sound coming out of the instrument is terrible. In a moment of frustration, Holmes lifts up the violin as if he’s about to smash it.
“Stop!” Watson screams.
Holmes manages to get control of himself and apologizes. “It’s just that I should have mastered it by now.”
“Well how long have you been playing?” Watson asks.
“Three days,” admits Holmes.
As parents, we’re constantly engaged in the act of teaching our children new skills. However, learning is not a constant progression of improvement. Instead, it’s comprised of a series of jerks and starts that alternate between triumph and frustration. Helping your children learn to navigate frustration is one of your most important roles as a parent.
You must develop an awareness
The most difficult part about frustration is that you have to learn when you can encourage your child to push through it and when it’s time to take a break.
Children are very intelligent and it is not a kindness to allow your child to learn he or she can get out of a task simply by working up a couple tears. At the same time, there are moments when the burden of a task becomes too great and you must give them a reprieve.
Frustration leads to despair
Learning how to navigate frustration is a skill that will serve your children throughout their lives. When they are adolescents taking a standardized test, an unchecked moment of frustration could lead to paralyzing despair. Frustration is a natural emotion, and your children need the tools to work through it and get to a more productive mental space.
That being said, this is a long term process. You have to beat frustration in baby steps, and that means you have to be resolved to listen to their queues and not push too hard. If you push too hard you could be responsible for bigger problems than you were trying to fix.
An example
My daughter often exhibits a trait that I recognize from my own youth and personality. Sometimes when I suggest that we do something, her natural response is to grumble and protest. I remember that I used to do the exact same thing. I’ve learned to largely suppress this inclination, but there are still times when I hear a little voice in the back of my mind urging me to lethargy as I get ready to go for a run or perform some other task.
It’s natural to have a moment in the morning where every part of your body would prefer to just lay on the couch. We are all very familiar with that sentiment.
So, even though my daughter grumbles a little bit at first, I insist that we go out and play, and within a few minutes we’re having a great time. Now, it’s important to convey to her that everyone feels the same lack of enthusiasm, but it’s only by pushing through that we can get to those moments of sublime happiness.
It’s good to approach your daughter after the task has been successful and explain that people are always a little slow to get moving in the morning. Let her know that you feel the same way. Explain that sometimes people require motivation and ask her if she can help you with your motivation by being positive in the morning too.
What you don’t want to do is say something like, “See, didn’t I tell you we’d have fun?” That’s an attack and an attempt to establish dominance that your daughter will naturally and rightly resist.
Tears of rebellion
Sometimes tears of rebellion come as a consequences of morning lethargy. When you roll a person out of bed they’re grumpy, but usually that wears off as they get moving. But as your kids get older, they might try to retaliate against the morning activity by insisting that they aren’t going to have fun.
Sometimes they stomp around with a little storm cloud over their heads resolved to teach you a lesson by refusing to find any fun in the activity you have proposed. When you think about it, this response is easy to identify with. I can certainly think of days when I went to work grumpy and was resolved to stay grumpy throughout the workday. It wasn’t the right way to behave, it wasn’t a mature way to behave, but it brought me a kind of grim satisfaction nevertheless.
Unfortunately, we’re all going to have obligations as adults. You can’t get out of them because “you don’t feel like doing it,” and you save your children pain in the long run by conveying that fact. But you still have to be gentle in moments like these. Your child does have autonomy, she does have the right to make a choice. It’s your job to illustrate how making a more productive choice is in her best interests.
Rebellion vs. frustration
It’s vital to recognize when your child is crying tears of frustration versus tears of rebellion. If your child is sincerely frustrated, you have to give them a break and let them recover. You might even have to stop early for the day and move onto something more positive. But you can’t allow your children to use rebellion to get out of a task.
Frustration comes because a child is failing at a task. This is a natural part of the learning process.
Rebellion comes because a child does not want to engage the task. Exhibiting rebellion is a natural part of establishing autonomy.
If you can’t tell, assume it’s frustration
You have to give yourself a break as a parent and understand that you aren’t going to get this right every time. It can be very hard to diagnose, and you have to also remember that other things might be going on in your child’s life that are leading to their outbursts. As always, communication is key and you have to be willing to admit to your child that maybe you didn’t handle a situation correctly.
If you really feel that your child is being stubborn about an activity and is not experiencing any true distress, you can try making a deal. Tell them they can give you either 10 minutes of sincere engagement of the task, or they have to continue for 30 minutes if they can’t adopt a better attitude. If you can get your child to break through that mental barrier of resistance, sometimes they start enjoying themselves.
It’s important that when you arrive at 10 minutes you live up to your end of the bargain and tell them that they can quit if they want. Often, the child will elect to keep playing. They make this selection because now it’s their choice (they have taken ownership), and they find they have suddenly started to have.
Sometimes it’s not easy
As parents, we all want to have positive interactions with our children. Sometimes their behavior can be difficult to understand, or extremely frustrating. The good news is that you have a great example to draw upon for guidance in difficult moments: yourself!
Do you like getting up early in the morning and being forced to do something? Wouldn’t you rather stay in bed? Of course you would!
Your child is no different than you, but she doesn’t have the benefit of the years of coping tactics you’ve developed to get through the day. Providing her with those coping tactics is the whole point of being a parent. When you’re at your wits end, try to think what you would have liked somebody to say to you in your moments of extreme frustration. Chances are that your child will appreciate hearing those words as well.
Achieving a better mental space
It’s important to navigate frustration with a combination of affection and resolve. Be gentle. This is an ongoing process, you’re not going to teach your children everything in a single morning. As parents, we all must be satisfied with seeing any signs of improvement. Baby steps in the right direction are much preferable to no improvement, or, worse, regression.
Both frustration and rebellion is normal. Always remember that your child is like you and that they want your guidance. Remember too that it’s imperative that you keep your own frustration and rebellion under control. Honestly, I have to remind myself of that quite often.
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Previously published on medium
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Photo credit: by Damir Spanic on Unsplash
