How To Deal With Your Trust Issues

The majority of people have trust issues these days, which is not surprising.

We’ve all been “done dirty” at least once in our lives, and if not, we’ve probably known someone who has.

I’ve been “done dirty” several times in myself. Maybe I haven’t learned a lesson, but perhaps I like to take risks because, you know, “no risk, no story.”

But I’m going to be completely honest with you, I also come with my own trust issues just like everyone else.

I once drove a Nissan Versa through a rental company (I’m looking at you, Alamo!), and I trusted that they would give me a reliable car. Three days into my trip, it malfunctioned in the middle of the city of Boston. It continued to provide me with problems.

What did I learn? I no longer want to drive a Nissan Versa because of this horrible experience, nor do I want to rent a car from Alamo (There is more to this story, but it’s too long for this post). #trustissues on both the vehicle and the company that rented it out to me.

When I was dating this guy, he told me he would call me back, but he never did claim that he was taking a nap and forgot. This is quite understandable because I too nap, but since it was a reoccurring promise that was not always met, I sometimes knew he wouldn’t call back. #trustissues

On several occasions, I have lent money to friends who have promised to pay me back but never did. Now, I don’t always expect to be paid back, but if they are promising me, they would and hope I’ll forget about it. Hello no! I’m going to remember. #trust issues

Do you see? People, companies, and even a car have failed me too. I’m just like you guys, so I know what it is like to have these negative experiences that direct our perceptions towards things, people, and/or the environment.

What Is Trust?

Trust is the ability to place your confidence in someone or something else. Our inability to trust others often stems from early life experiences and interactions.

The absence of trust can ruin any relationship. So how can we overcome our trust issues without destroying a relationship?

I’m not going to lie. I have trust issues as well, but not as severe. But that’s another blog post.

What Does Having Trust Issues Look Like?

You anticipate being betrayed — You see someone or something crossing you before it actually happens.
You assume other’s people’s motivations before understanding them — to protect yourself from being hurt.
Avoid commitment — You crave intimacy and closeness. Still, you prevent yourself from committing to relation due to fears of getting hurt.
Feeling lonely or depressed — You detach yourself from others to prevent yourself from getting hurt.

Starting Learning How To Trust

Learning how to trust others is a difficult task, and if it weren’t, we wouldn’t have this problem.

Trust doesn’t have to be given out freely. It’s okay to wait for people to earn it before deciding you can rely on them.

It doesn’t have to be a “Ride or Die” kind of thing. Let’s make that very clear.

How To Overcome Your Trust Issues

Accept Risk — There are different levels of risk, and I highly recommend that you start ever small when you start trusting someone else.
Give the other person the benefit of the doubt — In other words, trust them until they give you a reason not to. You don’t necessarily need to provide them with challenging tasks to prove they are worth trusting, like the whole “see if they catch you if you fall back” trust exercise that you did at camp. No, do it on your own terms.
Test the water before going in — Whenever you go swimming in a pool or a lake, don’t you check the water first? Maybe you dip your foot in there or perhaps a hand to kind of gauge the temperature?
Avoid assumptions — It is always easy to think the worst, and people assume other people’s intentions all the time without asking or seeking understanding. Everyone does it, but we must try not to. If you didn’t see it, it didn’t happen. If there is no proof, it didn’t happen either.

What Happens If They Fail To Earn Their Trust?

If this happens, ask yourself why they are not “trustable” if it is valid, then this is your decision.

What is important is that you gave it a chance. You took the risk, and if the threat has no reward, you pretty much learned a lesson about this particular person or thing.

You win no matter what.

Once we have been betrayed, it’s easy to blame ourselves for allowing the betrayal. We shouldn’t do this to ourselves.

If there is a reason not to trust someone for something, the reason should be valid.

In conclusion…

We all have past experiences that prevent us from trusting others, but from overcoming our own trust issues, we need to gradually give

Not learning how to trust people is going against our human nature: our need to belong and develop relationships that will fulfill us.

“The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.”
― Ernest Hemingway

We need other people to establish valuable and meaningful relationships no matter how independent we are. Not everyone we meet will be worth it, but we need to cultivate those relationships for those who are.

But first, start learning how to trust others until they give you a reason not to.

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This post was previously published on Medium.com

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