How to Embrace Differences, Not Trip Over Them

Hi everybody, Phil and Maude here. This post addresses one of our pet peeves: that people think conflict in relationships is inevitable. Leave your comments on this hot topic.

PHIL: I want to jam on the idea that all people are different. No one is exactly like anyone else. So in your relationships, especially the close ones, you’re going to run into differences. They’re inevitable. The fact that the differences are inevitable means that in order to have a peaceful relationship, you have to be good with those differences, whatever they are. If there’s something that is so repugnant to your nature, your ethics, and your morality, then obviously your relationship is going to be limited at best. But in general, with most people, you can just go “Yeah, that’s different.”

You can’t-or shouldn’t-do anything about these differences because it’s none of your business. What they do and how they do it is simply their choice. Sure you can suggest better ways to do things, like using Ctrl+C to copy rather than the mouse and the menu, or where there is a better place to park, but such suggestions can easily edge into managing their life, so I think it is far better to leave them be rather than try to iron them out of existence. I see this as an ethical choice.

With that understanding, you can approach someone in a way that you wouldn’t if differences put you off, so you are able to be closer to someone, to be with them.

Another thing to do with differences is to look at why you hold your position. What’s behind it? Sometimes you can see it as of no importance at all, and it will just evaporate. Or it may give you some kind of deeper understanding of yourself, a way of seeing yourself that you hadn’t noticed; perhaps an insight into your motives or values.

Living alongside differences is how you have peaceful relationships.

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MAUDE: In last week’s post, we wrote that having peaceful relationships is a choice. So, let’s say you have made that choice. What now?

To change this propensity, it is necessary to learn to respond to the kind of differences our uniqueness creates in a way other than fear, conflict, feeling threatened, distancing, anger, or protectiveness.

When you reach out for peaceful relationships, look for shared core values: those meanings and values upon which you base your life and your interactions. You need to know and become familiar with what your core values are if you are to use these to create and support peaceful relationships. Take some time and reflect upon what those are for you, and look for them to be present in those with whom you build your deepest relationships.

Find those with whom your commonality feels strong, in big and small things. They will be different for each person, but there is a combination of traits and behaviors for each of us that makes for an easier kind of bonding, a more naturally comfortable feeling. This will allow you to more easily respond openly to the differences between you and the other person. If this is someone you are or will be living with, this aspect becomes even more important.

So far, I’ve been writing about finding peace by accepting the differences inherent in the factor of human uniqueness, but there is also the journey of realizing how much these differences enhance your own life. You broaden your world as you learn to see other ways of being and knowing, not as a negative fearful factor, but as an enrichment of your experience. This acceptance and celebration of the presence of both sameness and difference can lead us to the bigger kinship we have with each other. That is the way of peaceful relationships.

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Originally published at https://philandmaude.substack.com.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

Halloween family. Photo credit: Maude Mayes

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