“Shannon, how do I…,” or “My husband won’t…” These are how the questions start, and I get them a lot. They come for moms that want their husbands to be more involved in the day-to-day parenting duties. The diaper changes, feeding schedules, and bath times. It’s from moms that are tired of cooking every night and making the doctors’ appointments. They want just an afternoon where they can give up the reins of primary care parenting. And they ask, “Shannon, how can I get my husband more involved.”
Seriously, I get this question a lot as a stay-at-home dad for the last fourteen years and an author. So, I’m going to write the definitive answer. Heads up moms and dads, this is how it’s done:
Dudettes, please just walk away.
I know that everyone is expecting a large and well-thought-out strategy. Something that is backed by science and approved by the FDA. Has there been a workgroup that has sufficiently put this into a spreadsheet somewhere to make it more official?
Probably, but the answer remains the same. Moms, give yourself permission to walk away. And Dads, don’t allow yourself to be pushed out. Those days are long gone.
I know, I know, this sounds too simple. Because what we are fighting here are generations of expectations and traditions. Men are never encouraged to interact with kids. And sometimes when we do, we are seen as a threat. I’ve known dads that have been screamed at while at a park. Dads that have to prove which kids belong to them. Honestly, the parenting world isn’t that welcoming at times. And dads need to ignore all of it. We do not make excuses for why we are parenting. We don’t ask permission. This is our job.
And on the other hand, I want to acknowledge the years and years of mom guilt. It’s a real thing that I’ve seen. It’s the thought that if mom walks away for an hour or an afternoon, something will go wrong. She is constantly judged by everyone and their aunts about the quality of their parenting. And what if they miss something like a first step or a first word? What if that word is “Dad?” And who is going to cook, clean, do laundry, and set the playdate schedule. Mom guilt is a brutal thing and is often reinforced by the society we live in. So let’s say it for the moms. You do not make excuses for taking time for yourself. You do not ask for permission.
Next, we need to get into the thought that “my husband doesn’t know what to do.” If this wasn’t a family-friendly column, I would be swearing a lot right now. Words that start with a B and come out of a cow’s backside.
Those are excuses and have no place here. I absolutely refuse that a man can get perfect lines on his lawn and not change a diaper. He can do a thousand wonderful things. He can look at a deck and know when the railing needs to be replaced. He can pop the hood of the car and find the oil cap, or so I’m told. Personally, I suck at engines, but I’m great at watching YouTube Tutorials.
But more than that, the day-to-day taking care of children just isn’t that complicated. Change a diaper, get food ready, and set down the kids for a nap. That’s not to say that it is easy. It’s downright exhausting, as many of us know. Add the mental load of schedules, doctors’ appointments, and books that tell us we are all doing it wrong—those are the tough parts. Dad staying home for the weekend with the kids is not had. In fact, it’s enjoyable. So no more “my husband can’t do that. He would be lost.” Yes, he can. And if he is lost, he will find his way.
That means mom needs to not bail him out. You need to leave for a bit and have the trust that your husband will find his way. He will figure it out, and most likely, especially if he reads my book, that way will be very different from yours. And that’s ok. Not only that, it should be encouraged. And don’t let weaponized incompetence get in your way. If a diaper is put on wrong, he does it again until he gets it right. Don’t rescue him. He can rescue himself.
That’s how it’s done, and I have yet to see a system that works better other than just doing it. Read some books, watch some videos, and Dad will be just fine. More than that, he will most likely enjoy a lot of it. The bond that I have with my kids, and the memories I have built with them over the years are my primary source of inspiration and encouragement. Whenever I get to a new problem I have never handled before, I know that I can figure it out. After all, I fixed our toilet, I can probably handle my daughter dating.
This isn’t going to be easy but keep in mind that most likely the people that have asked me these questions have often not asked their significant other. Everything has been assumed on both sides. Women expect dads to parent more and know what they are doing, while men have been conditioned to stay away from kids. We are never encouraged and our whole lives we are told to “go see mom.” So, sit down with your significant other and write it out.
I’ve written here before about the importance of a job description when it comes to parenting. And as goofy as it sounds, it sets those expectations right from the start. Whether it’s two working parents or one, everyone needs to know what the other expects of them. It makes things go a lot smoother. And those expectations need to include time away for both of you. Both separately for your own mental health and together to strengthen your relationship.
So, go take a day for yourself moms. Dads, step up to the plate. We all expect you to. Enjoy the experience, embrace your role with your natural abilities, and make lunch. And if you have time, come over to my house and show me where the oil goes in my car engine.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock