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Here is a summary of the transcript from YouTube, slightly edited with AI.
The Jitteriness of Nervous Energy
When we’re nervous, there’s a jitteriness to us. If you think about people-pleasing energy—when someone says something, and you find a moment halfway through their sentence where you can agree—you start to nod quickly. That’s people-pleasing energy.
It’s the opposite of seduction. The opposite of flirtation.
A Quick Note on the Podcast
If you haven’t already subscribed to the new YouTube channel for the podcast, you can do so at the Love Life Podcast channel, where you can watch the entire video episodes as they come out. A lot of people have been enjoying those.
What Does Flirting Look Like?
Let’s go around the room. What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you think of what flirting looks like?
I think flirting means showing a certain degree of interest in someone. I have this model: interest plus challenge. I think of it as giving someone just a little more notice than usual.
For example, I might say something like, “I really like your dimples when you smile.” Or I might slow down, hold eye contact a bit more, be more expressive, or notice something specific about their personality—like if they like spicy food.
Saying something like, “Oh, you like spicy food too? That’s cool—I’m into that.” Even a small comment that acknowledges something about them and how it resonates with you can be flirtatious.
When to Make a Physical Comment
Some people might hear the “dimples” comment and think, I could never say that to someone. Is that something you’d say on a first date? Or is that more of a second-date thing?
The physical compliment is probably more appropriate when you’re vibing on a date—maybe around hour two. You can start with someone’s style or behavior. For example: “You’re adventurous—I like that.” Or: “So cool to meet someone else who’s into that too.”
Even the old Paris Hilton phrase—“That’s hot”—adds a flirty vibe. Just saying, “That’s a hot jacket. I like that jacket,” brings in what I call desire language.
Platonic vs. Desire vs. Love Language
There’s a difference between platonic language, desire language, and love language.
- Platonic is the language of friendship.
- Desire is the language of sexual tension.
- Love is the language of intimate connection.
If a family member said something about your jacket, they’d probably say, “That’s a nice jacket.” But if someone you’re flirting with says, “That’s a hot jacket,” it adds charge.
Even a playful comment like, “That jacket makes your shoulders look big,” followed by, “Oh, definitely,”—that’s flirtatious.
Subtlety Over Cliché
Flirting doesn’t have to be over-the-top or cliché. It doesn’t have to be the “movie version” of flirting. You don’t always need to use desire language either. A subtle message can go a long way.
Like if someone has a Princess Mononoke poster in their dating profile, and you message:
“I spied that Mononoke poster—well played, sir.”
That’s flirtatious. Or:
“Want to know the real reason I swiped right? You’re Princess Mononoke.”
That’s the sweet version of flirting. Not overly sexual, but still charged with energy.
The Tempo of Flirting
One thing I’ve noticed in people who struggle with flirting is that their tempo is always the same—usually too fast.
Seduction is slow.
When you’re entering that seductive space, things begin to slow down. Like slow R&B—very seductive.
If someone is talking passionately about something they care about, and you find that attractive—watch them. Listen, but also observe. Make eye contact. Be present. Let them feel that you’re taking them in—not just their words.
Don’t punctuate everything they say with constant “Yeah, oh wow, interesting.” That kind of commentary pops the balloon. It kills the tension. Instead, let the moment build. Look at them, slow down your own body language, and allow the energy to simmer.
Nervous Energy vs. Seductive Energy
When we’re nervous, we move quickly. We nod fast, gesture too much, talk too fast. These things signal anxious energy, not flirtation.
Gesturing can be powerful, but if it’s sped up, it just looks anxious. Even in podcasts, when the listener keeps saying “yeah, mhm, right,” it can disrupt the flow.
On a date, do less of that. Just take the person in.
Nodding is okay—but again, slow it down. People-pleasing energy is all about quick agreement. Seductive energy is more about holding space.
Mixing Tempos and Building Contrast
Tempo matters in flirtation, not because there’s one right speed, but because variety creates attraction.
If you’re passionate about something, get animated. Speed up a little. Then slow down again. That contrast builds magnetism.
Three Key Concepts: Tension, Contrast, Control
For me, flirting comes down to three words:
- Tension – Building a subtle current between you and the other person.
- Contrast – Shifting gears. One moment you’re serious, the next playful.
- Control – Flirting isn’t about getting a result. It’s about enjoying the game.
For example, when I said early in our dating that I found it attractive when someone likes spicy food—that was a flirty, slightly sexual comment. But I didn’t linger. I dropped it and moved on. That’s control. It disarms the other person and makes the interaction more dynamic.
Flirt for Yourself—Not the Outcome
The best flirting advice I can give: Do it for yourself.
You’re not doing it to get a reaction. You’re doing it because it’s fun. You’re confident, a little cheeky, and not afraid to show it.
When I make a comment like the spicy food one, I don’t want anything from you. I’m just showing you that’s how I see the world—and if you want to play, you’re welcome to step in.
No Shame in Loving Beige Food
No offense if you don’t like spicy food! There might be a demon in the sack who loves cheesy pasta. There’s nothing wrong with beige food.
You can still be spicy even if you don’t like spicy.
Learning the Language of Attraction
What this conversation shows is that flirting is a language.
A lot of people don’t know how to speak it—not because they’re broken, but because they’ve never learned it. Maybe they’re afraid, or out of practice, or just not in the headspace to build attraction.
But if you want to learn what that language sounds like, we’ve put together a free guide: The 9 Texts.
These are done-for-you messages you can send to:
- Build tension
- Create attraction
- Flirt more effectively
You can download the free guide at nextexts.com. You can use them as they are or tweak them to match your own style.
The point is to help stop things from fizzling out—and instead build something real.
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This post was previously published on YouTube.
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