How to Get an Avoidant to Fall in Love With You

If you’ve spent any time on TikTok, you’ve probably seen videos telling you the best way to get an avoidant to chase you is to ignore them, make them jealous, or disappear. Although this can seem like sound or reasonable advice, it can actually backfire.

So, what do you do if you want an avoidant to chase you and fall in love with you? Let’s take a closer look at why playing hard to get doesn’t work and what to do instead.

Why Playing Hard to Get Doesn’t Usually Work With Avoidants

The truth is, this advice is typically ineffective or even damaging. Science has found that people with an avoidant attachment style generally don’t respond to games.

Avoidants often stem from fear. They avoid situations that feel unsafe to them. If you play games, it makes you — and the relationship — feel unstable and insecure. Playing hard to get can lead the avoidant to conclude that this situation is unsafe and that you’re ultimately not worth pursuing.

How to Really Get an Avoidant to Chase You

Now that we know playing games isn’t the way to go, the question is: how do you get an avoidant to become more interested in you? A few simple tactics can make all the difference. Here’s how to get an avoidant to chase you.

1. Respect Their Need for Space

Avoidants hate relationships that make them feel like their need for space is being controlled. Rather than pushing them to text you, let them know that you’re there whenever they feel ready to talk. Respecting their need for space makes them feel at ease.

When it comes to an avoidant, your best bet is to let them come to you.

2. Be Their Peace

When an avoidant associates you with calm and peace, they feel emotionally safe with you. One of the best ways to accomplish this is to communicate with them directly rather than escalating conflict.

3. Focus on Your Own Life Outside of the Relationship

This isn’t about playing games or being unavailable. It’s about keeping yourself busy and living your own life to the fullest.

Relying on your relationship to make you feel fulfilled is never good, regardless of who you’re dating. But with an avoidant, this level of clinginess can scare them away.

4. Be Consistent

Avoidants tend to expect relationships to become complicated, messy, and chaotic. They expect things to become unpredictable.

Being emotionally steady, secure, and stable will help the avoidant feel safe within the relationship.

It offers them a sense of peace that isn’t always easy to find.

5. Let Them Miss You

Don’t be intentionally unavailable, but offer them some space.

The thing about avoidants is that they create boundaries around communication, which can be tempting to break. Giving them the space they crave and letting them miss you is a great way to help them feel emotionally stable with you over time.

When distance is a game, it creates anxiety. But when you naturally let them miss you, it can help build something great.

Dating an Avoidant Isn’t For Everyone

It’s important to keep in mind that dating an avoidant isn’t always easy. Some people find that it isn’t what they want in the long-term. Remember that you’re not obligated to stay with an avoidant if they don’t meet your own ideals of what a relationship should look like. And that’s okay. Someone can be a good person and still not be your person.

But if you do want to make an avoidant chase you and fall in love with you, these tips can help. Having patience as an avoidant feels a sense of emotional security with you, and the relationship is a must.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.