Transcript provided by YouTube (unedited)
0:00
if
0:01
someone is telling you the obstacle is
0:03
just so big
0:05
that a happy relationship is not
0:07
possible
0:09
then we can’t tell ourselves that what
0:11
we’ve lost is a happy relationship
0:14
[Music]
0:18
i got a question
0:20
from a listener
0:21
who wishes to remain anonymous
0:24
who says hi matthew and stephen you have
0:27
effectively helped me before i was with
0:30
someone and we both really like each
0:33
other but she got a heavy concussion
0:35
right after we met
0:37
now she struggles through the days and
0:39
lacks the required energy for
0:42
maintaining a relationship
0:44
the prospect for recovery remains
0:47
uncertain and it may take another six
0:49
months or more to recover
0:51
and we have only known each other less
0:54
than four months
0:56
given the circumstances she has
0:58
convinced me that breaking up is
1:00
necessary
1:01
so how do i let go of someone i
1:03
absolutely adore
1:06
who assures me she wants to be with me
1:09
but simply cannot
1:11
how does one accept and cope with
1:14
meeting what seems to be the right
1:16
person
1:17
at the wrong time
1:19
keep up your amazing work best regards a
1:23
hurting heart
1:25
i wanted to answer this question
1:26
specifically because i believe it speaks
1:29
to a very universal
1:32
issue which is
1:36
someone doesn’t
1:37
want to or chooses not to be with us
1:41
because of an obstacle that they cite
1:44
how do you deal with a situation like
1:46
that
1:47
how do you deal with a situation where
1:48
you don’t think it’s the right thing
1:51
and they do and this is especially
1:53
difficult
1:54
in this situation because this gentleman
1:56
who’s written in says she even says that
2:01
she wants to be with me
2:03
but simply can’t
2:05
and that really
2:07
messes us up internally
2:10
because now we go away with the
2:11
impression that they really do want to
2:12
be with us but there’s just this
2:14
obstacle that’s too big
2:17
it has us focusing on the obstacle
2:20
and
2:21
not what the person has just said to us
2:25
the real problem with this and that the
2:27
saddest thing about this is that
2:29
there are so many people in the world
2:32
right now
2:33
who are
2:34
going through life like
2:36
zombies
2:39
who are not present in their lives
2:42
are not present in
2:44
whatever situation they could encounter
2:46
today or tomorrow if they met someone
2:49
they’re not present in the joy in their
2:51
life
2:51
it’s hard to be grateful
2:53
it’s hard to connect
2:55
with life itself because
2:57
you have this terrible heartbreak
3:00
and this
3:02
complete lack of closure that the person
3:04
i’m supposed to be with is out there
3:06
right now and i’m not with them they
3:09
become
3:10
the one who got away
3:13
and this robs us of of the joy of our
3:15
life
3:17
it robs us of what could be a really
3:19
beautiful existence and the clock
3:21
doesn’t care by the way the clock
3:23
doesn’t care that
3:25
we are stuck
3:27
in
3:28
thinking about somebody who’s no longer
3:30
with us
3:31
the clock keeps ticking
3:33
our life keeps going keeps relentlessly
3:36
moving forward
3:38
while we are stuck
3:40
in the past of a situation that for
3:43
whatever reason
3:44
seems like it cannot be so how do you
3:47
let go of this person
3:49
how do you move on from the one who got
3:52
away
3:53
we have to start
3:56
by questioning
3:58
where this idea of the one who got away
4:02
came from
4:04
in us
4:06
when did we decide
4:09
that they
4:10
were the one and based on
4:13
what you may have been with someone and
4:16
had the most incredible feelings when
4:18
you were with them
4:19
you may have had the best time with them
4:24
you may feel like
4:26
the memories we have the time we spent
4:28
together it was all so
4:31
so special
4:33
and because it was so special it has led
4:35
me
4:36
to believe wholeheartedly that this is
4:39
my person this is the person i am
4:41
supposed to be with
4:44
now of course for that to be true
4:47
two people have to say the same thing
4:50
they have to say this is the person i
4:52
choose to be with
4:56
in a situation like this the fact that
4:59
they quote got away
5:02
especially in the case of this gentleman
5:04
who who emailed us
5:07
they got away not because he decided
5:11
that this person’s concussion was too
5:14
much for him
5:16
he wasn’t saying
5:18
her emotional volatility during the day
5:20
or her needs during the day as a result
5:23
of this concussion or the fatigue that
5:26
she feels or the way it’s impacted her
5:28
life and mine
5:29
are really making it impossible for me
5:32
to be in this relationship he’s not
5:34
saying that
5:35
she is
5:37
she’s the one who’s citing that
5:39
concussion
5:41
as the reason why they can’t be together
5:44
he is willing
5:46
to do what it takes
5:50
so what you have in this situation
5:54
is not two people saying
5:57
let’s make it work you have one person
6:00
saying in him let’s make it work and the
6:03
other person saying i
6:05
can’t make it work
6:11
it’s interesting i suppose to think
6:13
about when
6:13
[Music]
6:15
something is genuinely a situation of
6:17
can’t
6:18
and when it’s a situation of choose i
6:21
choose not to make this work
6:25
and
6:26
none of us are in a position to judge
6:28
whether in this specific situation it’s
6:31
a instance of can’t versus she’s just
6:36
choosing not to make it work
6:39
but
6:42
so many situations
6:45
simply fall into someone choosing
6:48
not to make it work
6:51
i know you want to make it work but i’m
6:54
choosing not to
6:56
now if someone’s choosing not to we have
6:58
to ask why are they choosing not to
7:02
because
7:03
in so many instances
7:06
someone is choosing not to make it work
7:09
because
7:11
they
7:12
do not feel the same way about this
7:14
relationship
7:16
that we do
7:20
they don’t feel like this relationship
7:22
is something that they’re willing
7:25
to do whatever it takes for
7:27
they don’t feel that it’s worth fighting
7:30
for beyond the current circumstances
7:35
and this is a painful thing
7:36
for anyone to hear
7:39
when we’re hearing that well the other
7:41
person didn’t want to make it work as
7:43
much as
7:44
we did
7:45
but it’s actually very powerful to hear
7:48
that when we hear they didn’t want to
7:50
make it work as much as us instead of
7:53
there’s this
7:54
obstacle
7:56
that has made it impossible for me and
7:59
this person who was supposed to be
8:02
together to be together
8:04
when we hear that
8:05
that’s a kind of
8:07
existential
8:09
cosmic pain what’s supposed to be cannot
8:12
be because of this obstacle but instead
8:14
if we orient our focus to the fact that
8:17
someone has chosen not to be with us
8:20
because the feelings aren’t the same
8:25
that can actually be an antidote to our
8:28
heartbreak
8:29
i heard a line recently from a book uh
8:32
called my year of rest and relaxation
8:35
which i think is by otessa moshfer i’m
8:39
not sure if i’m saying that name
8:40
correctly so forgive me if i’m not
8:43
the line
8:44
was
8:45
rejection i have found
8:47
can be the only antidote to delusion
8:53
i find that line particularly relevant
8:55
in this situation
8:57
because
8:58
walking around
9:00
thinking about someone as the one that
9:02
got away
9:04
but that person chose not to be with us
9:08
is a kind of delusion
9:11
and when we can process
9:15
that
9:16
this person
9:18
didn’t want to be with us or decided
9:21
they couldn’t be with us
9:23
not because circumstances were too
9:25
difficult
9:27
but because
9:28
they didn’t feel the same way about the
9:31
relationship as us
9:34
which doesn’t mean they didn’t have
9:35
feelings
9:36
which doesn’t mean that at times the
9:38
relationship wasn’t important to them it
9:40
doesn’t mean that
9:41
you didn’t have amazing moments together
9:44
it means that your standard
9:47
for sticking together is not one that
9:51
they have themselves
9:54
that they are not willing to prize this
9:57
relationship above
9:59
the obstacle
10:01
that is being experienced
10:05
so
10:06
there is a kind of delusion in thinking
10:08
that this person is the one because the
10:10
one would value the relationship on the
10:13
same level you do
10:17
they would stick it out in the same way
10:19
that you would choose to
10:22
when we can see
10:25
what someone has done as a reflection of
10:28
their feelings towards the relationship
10:30
and us instead of some kind of
10:36
victim-like reaction to circumstances
10:40
it’s actually easier to separate
10:43
because although it remains painful
10:46
although it can be it can feel like a
10:47
rejection wow they didn’t feel the same
10:49
way i did that hurts on its own
10:53
that rejection is actually easier to
10:55
bear than going through life
10:58
thinking that were it not for that
11:00
obstacle we would be together because we
11:03
are meant to be together
11:07
now some of you may say well what about
11:09
the situation where the obstacle is
11:12
too big what about the situation where
11:14
we are really great together but there
11:16
genuinely is
11:18
some
11:19
giant obstacle
11:22
that is just too big for this person to
11:26
surmount
11:27
in that situation and
11:30
we could have extremes like
11:34
someone is
11:36
so far away and so unable to see us
11:39
physically because of the distance that
11:41
they decide it’s too difficult
11:43
that would be an example of
11:45
the obstacle is legitimate and it’s just
11:48
too big
11:50
well even if we said that’s true
11:54
it’s just too big
11:57
you know in a sense
11:59
what that person is telling you
12:02
is a happy relationship is not possible
12:04
here let’s take the concussion let’s say
12:07
that
12:08
the pain this person is in is so
12:11
profound every day
12:15
that
12:16
she has no interest in being in a
12:18
relationship she cannot she does not
12:20
have the bandwidth for it she doesn’t
12:22
have the inclination
12:24
towards a relationship she
12:26
genuinely has nothing to give to a
12:29
relationship
12:30
what she is saying in that case is that
12:33
a happy relationship is not possible and
12:37
it doesn’t matter if we think a happy
12:40
relationship is possible even if he said
12:42
i it no you can be in ultimate pain
12:45
every day all day every day and i will
12:48
happily give up my job to be your carer
12:51
to be there for you to do whatever it
12:53
takes and i will be happy with that job
12:58
firstly i would question whether that’s
13:00
even true because i don’t believe that
13:02
that is true i believe that that’s just
13:04
kind of a thing we tell ourselves no no
13:06
matter how bad it gets i’ll still be
13:08
happy
13:09
i don’t believe it
13:11
but secondly
13:14
the kind of happiness being described
13:16
there which is you’ll ultimately be
13:19
miserable but i will be happy because
13:23
i still am with you
13:26
that’s not love
13:29
that’s just trying to access a feeling
13:33
that’s just trying to feel something
13:36
i just want to feel good by knowing that
13:39
i still have you but that’s not a
13:40
relationship
13:42
that’s not love
13:44
that’s just the craving of a feeling
13:48
and the to when i think of the one who
13:50
got away
13:52
and what that
13:54
implies what it implies is a true
13:58
relationship of love
14:00
a true relationship of people who come
14:03
together to
14:05
to be there for each other to care about
14:07
each other’s happiness
14:10
well
14:12
in the thought experiment where she’s in
14:14
pain ultimate pain all day every day and
14:17
doesn’t want to be in this relationship
14:18
has nothing to give to it is only her
14:21
life is only made worse by having one
14:24
more thing to worry about
14:26
in having a relationship and thinking
14:28
about someone that
14:31
she wants to make happy but can’t
14:33
in that scenario
14:35
being
14:36
with him
14:38
won’t make her happy
14:40
even if it makes him happy but if we
14:43
genuinely
14:44
claim
14:45
to want
14:46
a relationship not a feeling
14:51
then
14:52
expecting someone to be unhappy with us
14:55
so that we can feel something
15:01
is not that it’s just a selfish act
15:07
so we have to ask ourselves what is it i
15:10
actually
15:11
am looking for if i’m looking for
15:13
genuine
15:14
love
15:16
if i’m looking for a real relationship
15:19
a real relationship a beautiful
15:21
relationship has to be defined
15:24
as a relationship where two people can
15:27
be happy together
15:30
and if someone is saying to you and
15:32
they’re telling the truth
15:34
which they often aren’t by the way often
15:36
someone is saying that there is an
15:37
obstacle that means you can’t be
15:39
together
15:41
and that’s not the real reason the
15:43
obstacle is just a scapegoat it’s the
15:45
easy thing to go to so that i don’t have
15:48
to say i don’t want to be with you
15:50
enough
15:52
so i can use this obstacle and you might
15:54
find that if it wasn’t that obstacle it
15:56
would have been a different obstacle
15:58
because the real story is i don’t want
16:01
to be in this relationship enough
16:04
to do difficult things to be in it
16:07
and that’s useful to know
16:09
once you know that you know that they
16:12
don’t feel the same way as you and why
16:15
would you want to be in a relationship
16:17
with someone who doesn’t feel the same
16:18
way as you
16:21
but
16:23
if
16:24
someone is telling you the obstacle is
16:26
just so big
16:28
that a happy relationship is not
16:30
possible
16:32
then we can’t tell ourselves that what
16:34
we’ve lost is a happy relationship
16:39
what we’ve lost is actually a
16:40
relationship that will make us deeply
16:44
unhappy
16:46
the thing that makes us
16:48
the this is this is the sad part
16:51
a lot of people
16:53
who are in situations where someone has
16:55
decided they don’t want to be with them
17:00
go through life
17:03
not only feeling heartbroken but feeling
17:06
like
17:07
what they were supposed to have in their
17:09
future who they were supposed to be with
17:12
walks this earth living a different life
17:15
and that feels like a tragedy
17:19
that feels like the stuff of of
17:23
you know heartbreaking romance novels
17:27
with sad endings
17:29
the person i’m supposed to be with
17:32
is
17:33
out there
17:35
and then we can’t let go
17:40
and
17:42
it consumes us
17:43
we’re no longer living in reality
17:46
we’re living in this construct we’re
17:48
living in this this fantasy of what
17:50
should have been
17:52
but it wasn’t
17:54
it wasn’t
17:55
and i wanted to make this episode
17:58
because your life
18:01
is happening right now
18:04
while you’re holding on this gentleman
18:06
who wrote in the final line of his email
18:09
is how does one accept and cope
18:12
with meeting what seems to be the right
18:15
person at the wrong time implied in that
18:18
question is
18:19
how do i live with
18:21
this knowledge that the right person
18:24
is
18:25
not with me anymore
18:29
and
18:30
the the truth of how you get over that
18:33
is you have to let go of this idea that
18:35
they were the right person
18:56
you
—
This post was previously published on YouTube.
***
From The Good Men Project on Medium
 |
 |
 |
 |
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: Shutterstock
