How to Grieve a Situationship

No one ever wants to be in this position, and it can be shocking when in hindsight we find ourselves getting into situations we never really wanted to be in the first place. The thought of never having been claimed can sting and cause a pang of rejection so deep that if we do not address it and start to heal from it, it could turn from surface level scabs into deep scarring for our soul.

We feel unable to truly love again with the love of Christ. We are not able to fully function to be who God has called us to be and our light is to some extent dimmed. We feel disappointed and ashamed of ourselves, angry with God for allowing this to happen to us and for allowing us to fall head in love with someone not willing to commit to us and resentment to the person that led us on as we realize that they really were not a friend of our heart.

This all comes back to that famous bible verse that talks about “Guard your heart above all else, for from it flows the issues of life.” This applies to so much more than just romantic feelings because our heart is the center of our emotions and thoughts. Whatever we choose within our hearts to meditate on because the thought of our mind and it directs our emotions and feelings.

No one else can guard our heart for us better than we can. As we enter a period of self-reflection and learning how to place safety guard rails over our heart, we can perhaps look at some key lessons to help us grieve through the process.

First and foremost, we must remember that healing is something we do for ourselves so we can get into a right relationship with our Father to ensure we are aligned with His goals and direction for our lives. It is not something we do out of spite or a desire to avenge the pain done toward us.

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Romans 12:19.

“Dear Friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, ‘I will take revenge; I will pay them back,’ says the Lord.”

So, whether we determine the other party to be at fault or after self-examination we identify that we have been too lax in our defenses, we trust our affairs and our heart into the hands of a just and righteous God.

Therefore, to properly grieve this, here are a few suggested things to do;

1.Talk to trusted advisors and mentors. Pray about it and allow the Holy Spirit to lead you because at this point your heart is already at a very tender and vulnerable state and you need to be guided by godly counsel to avoid total destruction to your heart. If you don’t already have trusted mentors that you have been building a relationship with, pray to God to show you the right ones. Not just to help you through this grieving season but mentors that will be lifelong and that can see you through God’s divine assignment for your life. Nobody wants to be known or identified solely by our pain and trauma. And we know that God gives us what we ask for as long as it is in accordance with His will and His plans for our lives.

2. Write down and list the lessons you have learnt from this situation. Sitting down to write down on a piece of paper or typing it out on a computer or phone can really help provide clarity as we are able to think deeply about the different roles both our part and the part of the person that broke our heart. Habakkuk 2:2 talks about writing the vision and making it plain so we can run with it. This also refers to writing out the version of ourselves we hope to get back to, as inspired by the Holy Spirit. See yourself in your mind’s eye returning to the unfiltered joy you had in the Lord and the deep love you had for God’s people. Write down how you hope to feel when you get back to that place and maybe the things you need to do to get back there.

3. Lastly, say a word prayer for the person that broke your heart and lift them into God’s hands. It is foolish to drink poison and hope for somebody else to feel the effects of it, which is something we do when we allow unforgiveness to brew in our hearts. In praying for this person we invite God into the situation, pray that He heals our hearts toward them, so we see them indeed as Christ sees them and not through the lens of our hurt and disappointment. We pray to get to a point when we genuinely want the best for this person and are no longer wishing for someone to treat them the way they treated us.

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ltimately, the goal in grieving a situationship is bringing it to God and trusting that He will heal us fully in the way only He can. God is El Roi, the one who sees us and all our pains and hurts, and shame and He still loves us all the same. He meets us in our painful moments, but He never leaves or forsakes us. So, how do you grieve a situationship? By running daily into the hands of our heavenly Father, accepting His love and pouring out our heart to Him as He teaches us how to guard our hearts and allow the right person into our heart at the right time.

It is such a blessing to be able to witness the process of healing and see the faithfulness and comfort of God. I wrote this on September 21st, 2022, as I was still in the process of healing from my own situationship. I don’t think I realized how much liberty and freedom I could experience once I shared this and was able to share the lessons God had taught me through a very painful season of my life. God is truly very intentional and very mindful of us all.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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