Something I’ve always struggled with as a parent (and as an adult in general) is patience.
Everyone hates having their patience tested. Lines at the grocery store are never a cause for cheer, and no one likes to listen to doddering old Ethel next door yammer on for the hundredth time about her teacup Yorkies’ favourite tasty snackies.
Patience really is a virtue, and it’s not one I possess.
I don’t really care most of the time about my lack of patience — we all have flaws. But when it comes to my children, I’d really like to keep calm when they’re having meltdowns.
It wasn’t always so challenging; 7 years ago, I thought I had this parenting thing in the bag. I had a squirmy newborn that I mostly had to just keep alive as she grew and developed into a fully functioning infant — which she did. Then there were the months of night-long screamfests, after which we all emerged from the rubble relatively unscathed.
At that point, I thought I was doing pretty well in the patience department. I thought that would be the toughest part, and I nailed it.
Looking back, though, it’s clear that was the easy part, and I’m a complete idiot.
Because soon, she started to pick up on words. She started to talk. She started to form ideas, all on her own and all uniquely hers. Now 7, my daughter is a bright, inquisitive, brutally honest, infuriatingly quick-witted little girl who makes me so damn proud I could just die.
But she falls apart into a heap of uncontrollable tears at the drop of a hat — and in those moments I realize I have no idea what I’m doing.
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Kids are hard work. I type those words knowing that I don’t even need to qualify them — every parent who has ever parented knows exactly what I mean, and if they don’t, they’re lying. I’ve never met a perfect parent (and I genuinely hope I never do.)
When your kid is one of those highly sensitive types, however, parenting gets a lot more challenging. There’s a delicate balance between giving your child the freedom to explore and learn about their emotions, and letting your child run positively wild with those emotions without any regulatory skills to manage them in a healthy way.
It’s a tough balance to master.
Kids who are exceedingly sensitive and prone to dramatic outbursts are actually functioning just fine — but they can’t go through life crumpling into a heap after each and every minor disappointment.
How will they ever learn to handle the major ones?
Thankfully, there are things we can do as parents to help them keep it all together in those moments. I warn you now, though: it’s not going to be easy, and it’s going to take some work.
It’s going to take some of that patience we talked about, too, so buckle up.
Bright children = sensitive children
I’m going to go ahead and say what all parents say about their kids — my daughter is bright. Maybe she’s ahead of her peers — maybe I’m out to lunch — but she’s pretty quick-witted. There isn’t much that slips past her notice.
Bright children are usually sensitive, or at least more sensitive than their peers. That’s because they pick up on a lot of social and sensory cues that other children may not.
Now, I’m not suggesting that my daughter is some sort of mathematical genius (or otherwise) who is miles ahead of her class in school because that’s simply not the case. When it comes to academics and general developmental milestones, she’s about on par with other kids her age and like other kids, she has her struggles.
When I say she is bright, I mean she is extraordinarily observant. She asks probing questions. She infers multiple possibilities to simple as well as complex situations.
She is alarmingly adept at conceptual thinking. Honestly, she surpasses some (okay, most) adults in this area. Lots of kids fall into this category, too, which is a little scary.
Because of all this work her little brain is doing, she’s easily overstimulated. She processes the world around her very deeply and it’s probably beyond her ability to categorize everything. I’m not even allowed to ask her how her day went until we’re all settled in at home because she needs time to decompress after being around so many other kids all day.
I happily give her this time, because I, too, need a decompression period at the end of the day. I just had no idea someone so small and new to the world would need that time as well.
Who knew childhood could be so stressful?
Sincere sensitivity or clever manipulation?
My daughter’s sensitive nature is by no means a bad thing, but it can be the root of lots of negative feelings for her. If you simply misunderstand what she is trying to tell you, her frustration promptly bubbles over into heated tears and abrupt anger.
This happens several times a day.
The trouble with having a sensitive child is being able to tell the difference between sincere strife and manipulation, and as a parent, that’s really your toughest job because you don’t ever want to distrust your child or misunderstand their very real, raw emotions and experiences.
But why wouldn’t you, you might ask, when kids are so apt at manipulation and deceit? We all know that they’re more than capable of both.
It’s simple: showing your child that you distrust them and their intentions is a really good way to have them lose their trust in you, and that is the first fallen stone in any crumbling relationship.
It’s better to deal with the emotions that are being flung your way in the kindest way possible, starting with acknowledging their legitimacy, and I’ll tell you right now, that takes some serious self-control on the part of the parent. You’re absolutely being tested in these moments and it’s hard to keep a cool head.
But don’t fail right out of the gate. It’s imperative that you keep a cool head, and there are ways that you can do that and help your little one at the same time.
Boundary testing is 100% normal
Kids like to test us, and they should — in fact, it’s perfectly normal for them to do so.
If you’re a parent, that is not new information.
But sensitive kids are often genuinely upset about something seemingly mundane, not because they’re trying to get their way, but because they experience emotions differently than other kids might.
The good news is that kids can learn to put their experiences into perspective, allowing them to manage those big emotions.
One thing is certain: sensitive kids really do mean it when they cry over spilled milk. The world has literally ended. But how do you avoid those out-of-control tears over every tiny upset?
How can you teach your child that they really can learn to put experiences into perspective?
Enter the Emotional Response Scale.
The Emotional Response Scale
Good news! Your sensitive kid is probably a pretty smart kid as well, which is awesome because emotions are complicated things. It’s also awesome because helping a child navigate through his or her emotions is going to feel a little like homework.
And everyone loves homework.
A great way to help them with this is by creating an Emotional Response Scale, which is essentially a way for your child to rate their reactions/feelings to certain events between numbers or expressions.
Think “pain scale:” when you visit the hospital, the medical staff will often ask you assess your pain levels using a number or pictorial chart. This is very much the same idea, and it’s highly effective.
Make this chart fairly visual; the use of pictures or even emojis can help your child relate better to the emotional responses they are feeling. They’ll still be upset about only getting yellow Starburst in their Halloween candy — who wouldn’t — but being able to assess their own emotional responses is the first step to having an appropriate reaction to future disappointments.
With my child, we sat down together and drew a series of faces that depicted the various emotions she’d expressed to me: scared, overwhelmed, sad, angry, and so on. I tacked them all onto a big piece of poster board and put it up in the hallway outside of her bedroom, and it was more effective than I thought.
We don’t use it as much now, since she’s learned to articulate her feelings much better through words, but the act of defining them is still extremely valuable.
When we first began to use the chart, it worked a dual purpose as a metaphorical stop sign. Whenever she had a meltdown, I would simply say, “wait — what face are you right now?” She would pull me to the chart and point, but by the time we got there and she’d had a second to pull herself out of her explosion enough to see things a little bit more clearly, she was already calming down.
Giving your child’s feelings genuine respect and attention seems to make them feel like on some level, they’re being heard — and that is so precious to children.
Once the emotion is defined, kids are usually in a calmer place and can sit and settle down for a spell without the feelings taking over.
If you’re not feeling very artistic, that’s okay. There are tons of free resources online to help you and your child with visuals for their emotions, such as this free printable:
Photocredit: iStockPhoto.com
Another take on this visual guide is a mood wheel:
Photocredit: Shutterstock.com
There are many other visual tools you can use to map these emotions, so choose whichever version suits your child.
And when it comes to children, appropriate reactions do vary, as do the reasons they take place. The important thing is to guide them towards the right behaviours for those strong feelings, and for them to understand the difference.
Feeling Words and Emotion Zones
Another great way to help your child through these emotional moments is to develop a hefty vocabulary full of feeling words and emotional zones. It’s all well and good for us, as adults, to bark at our children to use their words, but we often forget that they don’t actually have all the words yet.
Thankfully, some other smart people have thought of this already and even neatly compiled these words into this handy list. There are a lot of them, so here’s a word cloud, just because it’s pretty:
Photocredit: Shutterstock.com
This makes me feel elated. Cheerful. Grateful. Overjoyed.
Look at me go with those feeling words!
It takes time to build a feeling-word vocabulary, but I can attest to its usefulness. My daughter has come a long way from the stomping feet of her younger years, and I think a big part of that is her ability to use her words appropriately.
It’s an extremely valuable skill.
The highly sensitive adult
As a person who is also somewhat emotionally unstable at times, I can absolutely understand my child’s strife while also being extremely irritated by it. I’ve learned this is normal, but my reactions to her reactions are just as important as teaching her about the emotions that cause them.
I think one of the biggest misconceptions about sensitive children is that they are weak, but that’s simply not the case. In fact, children who are emotionally aware are mentally quite tough, and there’s strength in being cognizant of their own emotions as well as the emotions of those surrounding them.
But emotions are not something we stop experiencing with age. Emotionally sensitive kids grow up to be emotionally sensitive adults, so it’s imperative that we, as well-meaning parents, do our best to teach them how to manage these emotions, while still respecting their authenticity and unique beauty.
It’s a daily struggle, but a worthwhile one.
And I promise: it does get better.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Shutterstock