How to Have Friendly Neighbors You Can Rely On

The other day, someone commented on one of my articles about how I was lucky to live in a neighborhood where people care for each other. I am lucky but I also believe that, to some degree, we all make our own luck.

Here is the article I wrote that invited the comment:

The reality is that, once upon a time, people knew their neighbors. My mother grew up in India. If anything, the neighbors there might be too involved in each others’ lives! However, they were helpful to each other. If someone got sick, neighbors would bring nourishing food for the family. They were helpful to each other.

My husband grew up in Iowa in the 1960s. He remembers playing outside with the neighbor kids. His mother would have other neighbor women over for coffee and his father had a monthly poker night with some of the men in the neighborhood along with other friends. Summer barbecues were neighborhood get togethers.

My mother, when she moved to New York, made friends with neighbors as well, and they looked out for each other. This was during my childhood, in the 1970s.

I learned from my mother. When I was a child, I remember her giving extra produce from her garden to various neighbors. She also went to the houses of a few neighbors for tea and invited them over in return. All the neighborhood women watched over the children when they were playing outside after school. The women sat together on the outside ledges or steps and chatted while keeping an eye on the kids.

All of the children were looked after. If they misbehaved, someone would see and scold them. If they got into trouble, someone would help.

These were mostly immigrant women, but I suspect this sense of community was more common once-upon-a-time in America, as my ex’s experience indicates.

Often people would do more than simply gossip while they kept an eye on the kids or meet for card games. For example, when one of the neighbors found out my mother was leaving my baby brother at home while she walked me home from school, she got upset.

“You shouldn’t leave a baby home alone!” she said.

My mother explained the situation. The neighbor immediately offered to come over and watch my brother while Mom picked me up.

I don’t have children. Instead, I deal with cancer. This is the reason I don’t have children. By the time I felt ready to start a family, it was too late. I had been diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer and the prognosis wasn’t good. After, the chemo had ravaged my body and sapped my strength. I needed to spend so much time resting that having a child was not something I could have handled.

My husband is now an ex. Aside from my elderly mother, I have no family living close by. Despite this, I have had plenty of help when I need it. I have a wonderful SO, a few good friends, and people from my church who all help me. Plus my neighbors. They have been wonderful.

Even one of my neighbors who moved away has been there for me when I’ve needed her.

While I know I am lucky to have this support system, at the same time — it has taken effort on my part to make it happen.

When I moved into my neighborhood, my husband at the time (now my ex) had already been there for a few months and knew only one of the neighbors.

Over the next few weeks, I got to know several of them.

It was quite simple — I would smile at people when I walked past them. They smiled back. If they walked past my house or we drove past each other, I’d wave. Eventually this led to brief conversations and then a few of the women invited me over for tea. Then we’d start bringing samples of things we had cooked to each other.

Are we close friends? Not necessarily. But we are friendly.

When you are befriending neighbors, it’s important to remember that not everyone wants another close friend in their life. But almost everyone welcomes friendly people in their life.

Conversations can be mostly superficial but still build a sense of community. In fact, when it comes to neighbors, it is best to keep things a little distant, especially at first, because you live close to each other. You don’t want to be intrusive.

However, over time, some of these relationships can build into true friendships. Even the ones that remain on a merely friendly level are wonderful, because they add to the general feeling of community. You can stop and have a quick chat with these neighbors and both of you will feel better about your day.

Because I’ve taken the time and made the effort to reach out to them, I know I can call on my neighbors in an emergency. That also means they can call on me. I’ve had neighbors ask me to look after their pets while they are on vacation. Generally this means going over to feed and play with them for a little while every day.

Yes, it requires me to give up my time to help someone else. But it’s part of being in a community.

When I was married, I was talking to one of my neighbors and found out it was her wedding anniversary, but they had nothing planned to celebrate because he had lost his job and could not afford it. My husband and I offered to take them out. They accepted, and we had a delightful time.

Since then, the wife and I have become friends. She loves my mother, and often comes by with treats she’s made specially for her. I’ve gone over a few times to have tea with her.

The relationship is satisfying and mutually nurturing without being too involved. We respect each others’ boundaries.

This is the key to forming healthy communities — never intrude. Try to understand the other person’s perspective. Be willing to give first, then see what happens. If the other person reciprocates, in whatever manner they choose, then you can build on the relationship. If they make it clear they don’t want a relationship — leave them alone. Keep your expectations low. But allow yourself to open up to people who are genuine and caring. Ask for help when you need it, but if they say “no”, don’t push. Similarly, if someone asks a favor that you can’t give — it’s OK to say “no”.

To bring the neighborhood together, every once in a while it’s a good idea to have an open event, such as a barbecue. In our neighborhood, an airman who’d moved in next door had a crab boil. He had pots of crabs, corn, and new potatoes cooking, and sheets of newspaper spread on tables in his garage. Neighbors wandered in and out, got a meal, chatted with each other, and made new friends.

Another time, my husband and I hosted a small party a week before Christmas. We served home-made eggnog. It was delicious, and we served an un-spiked version as well as one liberally dosed with brandy. We also had mulled wine simmering on the stove, and a few cans of beer in the fridge. When we invited people we told them we had the drinks covered but they were free to bring snacks if they liked. Most people brought the things they associated with Christmas — cheese logs, sugar cookies, and bowls of nuts. One person brought a small fruitcake, which turned out to be delicious.

Other neighbors have hosted summer ice-cream socials and Halloween parties. A Muslim neighbor hosted a celebration on Eid with delicious traditional foods.

These events don’t happen often, and not everyone in the neighborhood participates, but they do provide a chance for people to get to know each other. They build a sense of community and camaraderie which is wonderful. Yet making this happen is not effortless. It requires commitment and love.

I am fighting stage IV cancer. If you can help with medical bills, I would really appreciate it. Or if you enjoy my writing and would like to buy me a cup of coffee, that’s great too. Maybe someday I can return the favor.

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This post was previously published on Shefali O’Hara’s blog.

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