I have learned over the years through interviews and personal experiences that both parties in arguments just want to be heard. They each want their feelings to be validated. However, men tend to express this differently than women. Many women have complained or confessed that it drives them crazy when men don’t offer their undivided attention or remove themselves from the argument.
Women are more expressive and usually have no reservations on sharing how they feel, how something has affected them. The moments can’t come soon enough to have the opportunity to let it all out. I believe that it is important to express your feelings, but timing is everything. If your partner isn’t prepared to hear what you’re dying to get off of your chest, he will shut down in about two to five minutes or walk away. This tactic to having your voice heard can feel like an attack.
◊♦◊
Sure it’s difficult to refrain from yelling, screaming pointing and sometimes even crying, but it helps to ask yourself, “what do I hope to gain from this conversation?” Identify with the real issue and why it affects you. Write down exactly what you would like to ask and suggestions to moving forward. Not only are you planning a calmer approach but also creating a solution. Arguments that are reoccurring in relationships are typical because of the overwhelming tension takes over the entire space and someone feels defeated and gives up, (sweeping the issue under the rug).
I had no real solution and was on the brink of creating a bigger problem.
|
Men are usually okay with this mechanism because honestly, they don’t have the energy for the argument. When my husband and I would argue, I would get more and more upset because of the blank stare on his face. His mind seemed a million miles away, while I poured out my heart desperately trying to force him to feel what I was feeling or even worse. One day I stopped talking and just asked, “why do you have that stupid look on your face, are you even listening?” His answer has totally changed how we argue. He said, “ honey I’m not trying to be mean but you are long- winded, and I literally check out after about five minutes.” I replied, “okay we’ll talk later.” I could tell that he was being sincere and had sat there to listen to me rant out of respect. This response meant that I was on the attack! I had no real solution and was on the brink of creating a bigger problem.
◊♦◊
It is tough to process what gets presented in a chaotic situation. Planning a meeting, preparing an agenda and keeping an open mind decreases tension. You are less likely to hurt each other’s feelings with hurtful statements. Both of you have the opportunity to be heard. You feel confident in positive results.
The love you share for each other shouldn’t be tested through arguments; yet it should grow. This is a time that you are evolving as a couple. You are expanding your patience and understanding of one another. So embrace the pitfalls. They are simple reminders of why you love each other.
—
Photo credit: iStock