Having a conversation is an art.
Having a deep conversation is a purer form of art.
It’s not easy. And it can be very rare.
But mastering it is very rewarding.
You’ll get to know people. And people will get to know and trust you.
And when people trust you, they can show you things about themselves that will astonish you.
They will tell you things that will make you understand them better.
They will tell you things that will make you understand yourself better.
This understanding will give you more clarity about the world and life in general. And that can lead to a better quality of life.
The things they tell you will make you feel a connection stronger than anything you have ever experienced.
Those conversations will lead to safe, secure relationships.
And safe, secure relationships are worth it. Human connection is a strong factor; so strong that its absence can lead to addictions and deadening loneliness.
That being said, let’s get into it.
I can write an article just about the benefits of deep conversations. But for now, let’s talk about how to have them.
I will not give you tips and tricks that you can apply and then you will start having deep conversations.
In fact, that way of thinking is the very first thing you need to get rid of if you want to have deep conversations with people you care about.
So, let’s start with this point and elaborate…
…
Stop Trying to Game The System
Your mentality and your intentions are very important when it comes to having a deep conversation.
You cannot make someone open up if they don’t want to open up.
That cannot be forced or manipulated. And it shouldn’t.
You’re not having this conversation to reach a specific outcome, an outcome that you desire.
That’s manipulation.
Often, people get fixated on ‘having a deep conversation’ with someone to the point of trying to force it.
They follow some steps and ask questions they read online.
They have an end goal, which is to have a deep conversation. Or, to put it in more accurate words, their goal is to connect with the other person and get what they want. Two goals that might cause conflict.
Despite the good intentions, those people will still hinder their ability to understand as we’re going to explain.
Or they have a selfish end goal, which is trying to get something out of you in a manipulative way.
Either way, it will not work. It’s selfish and manipulative.
…
That Could’ve Been a Deep Conversation!
Let’s say I want to talk to you and I have something I want to get from you.
I will filter every word you say based on the agendas I have in mind and the goals I want to reach.
I will listen to you based on who I am and what I want, not on what you’re actually saying or who you are. Heck, I will not even see who you are because I’m not actually listening.
You’ll tell me that you’re tired. I will hear it as, “I cannot help you do what you want me to do,” and I might get defensive.
I’ll then try to force the conversation in the direction of why it’s important to do what I want you to do.
I’ll try to get you to talk about why you’re tired because I’m afraid of the fact that you’re tired. Because it threatens my goals.
And I will do my best to convince you that being tired is a bad thing.
See what happened?
I already missed the point.
That could’ve been a deep conversation.
And by the way, deep conversations don’t have to be hours long. They could be just for a few minutes as we’re going to understand.
So, this could’ve been a deep conversation but it went south.
The missing element in this conversation is listening and understanding.
Why were listening and understanding missing? Because of the end goal in mind.
I had an end goal in mind that was more important for me than listening to what you had to say. It was more important for me to reach my end goal than to try to understand you.
Therefore, I wasn’t really interested in you.
Sad. I was interested in my goal.
I didn’t try to understand you because what you said was threatening to me and my goals.
…
Now, maybe you were bitching and complaining. And I wanted you to get up and stop doing that.
Maybe that was my goal. And to some extent, that’s a noble goal.
Fair enough.
Still, I could’ve listened and understood. And after that, and only after that, I could’ve told you that I disagree with your reality.
I still could be wrong. But at least I understand and therefore I disagree based on something solid.
And let’s take it one step further.
Even though I disagree, I am still interested in you. More specifically, I’m still interested in the best part of you that wants the best for you.
That’s an entirely whole different level of communication!
Those are the types of intentions that make people open up their hearts to you. Those are the types of intentions that make you really listen and understand people.
Your intentions, or the motivation behind your words and actions, are more important than what you say.
If you can take only this idea from this article, it’s all you need to have deep conversations and be trusted by people you care about.
So, forget about the end goals you have in mind about what you want from this person.
Having an end in mind will prevent you from actually listening to and understanding the other person.
Needless to say, without listening and understanding, you cannot have but a surface-level conversation.
Have only one end goal, and that is…
…
Do You Want the Best for the Best Part Of Them?
This is the backbone of the human connection.
We have already explained this concept. But let’s make it more clear.
Everybody is interesting. We all have unique stories and experiences that can engage you.
And it’s not people’s job to show you these things about themselves. It’s your job to go after it and discover it.
That’s where the idea that it’s more useful to be interested in people than interesting (by trying to impress them) comes from.
You’ll be amazed by what people can tell you if you are really interested in them genuinely. If you do listen. And understand.
People are dying for someone to listen to them. To really listen.
Second, people have many parts of them.
Don’t be so sure you fully know someone.
This means that they have good parts and dark sides as well.
Best parts of them. Worst parts of them.
At any certain point in time, one of those two parts will have more control than the other.
If you understand the worst part of you, the dark side of you, you’ll be able to understand and forgive the worst part of them.
Forgiving doesn’t mean you agree with it. It doesn’t mean you enable it. And it sure doesn’t mean that you accept it as who they are.
In fact, you’re willing to walk away if this part totally possesses them.
You’re not its friend. Respecting something doesn’t mean accepting it.
Now, regarding the best part of them, that’s who you should be interested in befriending and supporting.
That’s who you should be able to see in them even when they can’t see it.
And when having a conversation with them, your mindset should be that you want the best for this better part of them.
This will remove the understanding and listening barriers.
It will make them trust you.
We trust people who genuinely want the best for us and understand what we feel and think and believe.
Let’s break down the previous sentence to understand the two types of connection.
Cognitive connection and emotional connection.
It’s cognitive to understand what someone thinks and believes. And it’s emotional to understand how someone feels.
Both can help you build deeper levels of connection with somebody. Deeper than a dark ocean.
…
Cognitive Connection
This is the type of connection when you understand someone’s thoughts, beliefs, and ways of thinking and behaving.
Here’s what it looks like in a nutshell.
I understand what you believe and how you think. When you tell me a story, I understand its details, your thoughts about it, and what you believe.
I make an effort to understand why you believe in this or why you think this way.
I can discuss my deep thoughts about life and reality with you. You can understand them, and you inspire me to share even further.
You can share your deep thoughts about life and reality. And I will understand that.
For instance, when you tell me a story about your favorite song.
You’ll go ahead and tell me details about the song itself. You’ll share details about why you were interested in this song.
Let’s say it’s a rap song about hustling and surviving bad times.
I can try to understand why hustling and survival are significant for you. Did you have a rough period in your life that you had to overcome by hustling hard?
What happened?
What were the details? How did those details shape your personality right now?
Oh, that’s why you love motivational videos as well, isn’t it?
Is it also why you’re hard on your younger siblings because you don’t want them to become soft and suffer as you did?
Those are not assumptions that I try to affirm. Those are genuine questions that I am wondering about. And I might not ask you those questions like I’m having an interview with you. I will just try to connect the dots and understand how this shaped who you are now and how it impacted your life.
I will just try to understand.
Note that there’s a difference between trying to understand and trying to analyze.
What is it?
We talked about it. The previous point. your intentions. Do you want the best for the best part of them? You would be genuinely interested in the other person.
Therefore, you’ll understand, not just analyze.
Plus, nobody likes to feel they are being analyzed by someone else. It kills the connection.
…
Emotional Connection
What makes deep conversations deep and special is emotional connection.
It’s when you understand someone on an emotional level. And that’s where the magic happens.
Connection is an emotional process. That’s what makes it humanly unique.
We don’t just talk about facts. We talk about feelings and what these facts mean to us.
Let me give you a few examples.
Think of your favorite childhood T.V show. What do you feel when you watch it now or see its characters or hear its intro song?
Some nostalgia?
A lot of feelings?
Yes, that’s right. The emotional connection you have with this show is provoked.
Now, your interactions aren’t similar to a childhood T.V show. But at some level, it’s the same concept. You cannot explain the connection with mere facts.
And wherever there’s an emotional connection, there’s intimacy.
It’s when you share who you are with another person and they share who they are with you. You trust the other person enough to let them in. And you trust yourself enough to let somebody else in.
But it’s not just about deep conversations.
Deep conversations are a later stage. Emotional connection starts way before you have a deep chat.
It starts with trust, receptiveness, and courage.
Trust is built (or destroyed) through many tiny actions and communications.
When your wife tells you, “oh, look how nice the weather is,” it’s not an insignificant incident.
A nervous look and a sigh aren’t insignificant.
A caring look and a gentle touch on the shoulder aren’t insignificant.
A genuine question about how your day was isn’t insignificant.
Responding well to those gestures isn’t insignificant.
Having the courage to initiate those actions and to respond well to them isn’t insignificant.
It builds enough emotional connection for you to trust each other. And then, sharing and listening (and understanding) on a deeper level will generate deeper emotional connections.
In fact, it’s nearly impossible to have a deep conversation with someone before building enough emotional connection and trust. You do that by those small, micro communications bids. By initiating them and responding well to them.
And then by sharing and listening.
By sharing things you cognitively and emotionally understand (or are trying to understand) about yourself, life, and the other person.
You’ll be creating trust. And note that you should be worthy of this trust. Trust is the backbone of emotional connections.
…
What Does That Look Like in Real Life?
Let’s have another example as examples illustrate these concepts better than anything else.
Eminem says something in one of his songs about not having a “school diploma”. Basically, he talks about how he doesn’t have anything but rap to rely on. He knows no other trade or profession.
So, he gives his very, very best as that’s his only thing.
That part really touched me. It gives me shivers.
I don’t have a university degree. I quit pursuing an engineering degree because I was interested in writing and despised numbers. I couldn’t fit in and I wanted to do something else.
I wanted to do something creative because that’s what my soul finds meaningful.
Why I left university is a long story as you’ll have to understand my personality and my own temperament.
But for now, the reason I love that song by Eminem is that part. I don’t have anything to rely on (as a career path) except writing. And it’s my passion. That’s why I give my best and that’s why I’m willing to do whatever it takes.
It reminds me of this fact. And it pushes me to do my very best to compete and win.
It helps me redirect my fear of failure to my advantage. And it reminds me that it’s okay to follow your heart.
And if you dive a little bit deeper, you’ll find that I love Eminem himself for multiple reasons. You’ll find that I value many things that Eminem talks about.
Basically, you’ll understand me more.
And that, in part, is cognitive connection.
Understanding how significant this means to me will give you an idea about my emotional world.
Feeling the emotions I feel when I tell the story or when I listen to this song will help you understand it on an emotional level.
That will facilitate emotional connection. It will breed more trust.
And this type of conversation, in and of itself, will spike emotional connection. It’s emotional, personal, and reveals parts of me to you. The way I tell it will also make a difference.
The deeper and more personal the story is, the deeper the emotional connection is.
Of course, the deeper the story is, the more trust and courage levels we need to tell it.
And anyway, it’s deeper and more interesting than a mere question about your favorite song.
Think how boring and awkward that could’ve been if I had just answered with the name of the song.
I learned this as an English language teacher.
I used to teach English to adults as a second language. And whenever we had speaking activities, I would purposely go deeper on such superficial questions.
Before that, I would build trust through those small connection bids and by being interested in the best parts of them. And I also build it by sharing myself and listening, really listening, to people and having their best interests in mind.
That helped me have discussions where people would share deep things about themselves. And by the end of the month, the connection we have with each other as a group would spike.
I am forever grateful for that.
Don’t settle for boring conversations when you want more depth.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
—
Photo credit: Kirill Vasilev on Unsplash