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Does your wife seem more hesitant and less enthusiastic about sex than she used to be? Does it seem like her confidence in her body has plummeted? Do you sometimes wonder if she thinks about sex at all? If so, it may be that she doesn’t feel sexy anymore. Although you may think she’s as hot as the day you met her, she may not feel that way at all. In fact, it’s surprisingly easy for a woman to lose touch with her sensual side and believe she’s no longer sexy. It can happen to any woman, almost before she realizes what’s happening, even if she very much wants it not to happen.
Wives who have loved sex and embraced their sensual side for years can suddenly realize that they feel about as sexy as an old flannel nightgown.
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If you’re like most men, you simply can’t understand how this is possible. The average husband can’t fathom how the woman he loves, the one he considers incredibly sexy, the one he could make love to every day of the week, could feel completely unsexy and lose interest in sex. It’s so far out of his frame of reference, he really doesn’t have a way to process it.
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And very often, he’s not the only one. Wives who have loved sex and embraced their sensual side for years can suddenly realize that they feel about as sexy as an old flannel nightgown. Unfortunately, I know this all too well. During 28 years of marriage I’ve experienced this phenomenon more than once, sometimes for an uncomfortably long period of time. For years I didn’t understand it, couldn’t explain it, and didn’t know how to deal with it. I thought there was something wrong with me. And I’m not alone. I hear from women (and a few men) who read my blog, CalmHealthySexy, and from friends who write about sex and marriage, that many wives are struggling to understand what’s going on in their minds and bodies when it comes to sex and to figure out how to deal with it.
You can’t do it all – we can’t change other people, and she’ll need to take steps too – but you can do a lot.
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From my own experience and from reading and talking with others, I’ve learned some things about the reasons women lose touch with their sensual side. Any one of these things can dampen a woman’s ability to feel sexy and enjoy sex and intimacy. And if your wife is experiencing two or three of them, it’s possible for her to lose touch with her sensual side completely. That’s the bad news. The good news is – you can help her get in touch with it again. You can’t do it all – we can’t change other people, and she’ll need to take steps too – but you can do a lot.
Here are 5 reasons women stop feeling sexy, plus potential solutions for addressing each of them:
Fatigue
Once children begin to arrive or life otherwise gets crazy, women often walk around in a state of perpetual exhaustion. And for many of them, exhaustion exerts the same effect as an icy cold shower – it completely saps their sexual energy. When that happens, it’s not uncommon for women to feel incredibly unsexy and to prefer an extra hour of sleep to any sort of sexual activity.
Solution –Sleep more, relax more, do less. The short-term solution is obvious – help your wife get more sleep and rest. The longer term solution may be to create some space in your family’s life. Most families are trying to do too much. The kids are in too many activities. The parents have taken on too many responsibilities. And the daily workload of jobs, school, meals, laundry, and housework never seems to end. There’s no time to relax, no time to enjoy being together as a family, and no time to slow down and connect as a couple. For many women, that kind of schedule pushes their sexy side completely off their radar screen. In order for them to get it back, they need some time and space to breathe. But there’s no room in their lives for either. If that sounds like your family, work with your wife to eliminate some activities and obligations, to control your family’s schedule, and to create some space in your life
Communication
As couples fall into the pattern of packing their schedules with responsibilities and activities, they tend to spend less time really communicating. While talking used to mean “sharing our thoughts and feelings with each other,” it often becomes little more than “who’s going to do what, when and how?” For many women, this leaves them feeling unheard and disconnected from their husbands, which dampens their enthusiasm for feeling sexy and enjoying sex.
Solution – Talk about it. Make time to talk more in general, but also open a conversation about what’s going on sexually with her and in your marriage. Talk honestly about what you’re seeing and how you’re feeling, and encourage her to do the same. More than likely, everything won’t be addressed after one conversation, so plan to keep it going. Make sure the tone is open, honest, and encouraging. Let her know that you want to work together on anything and everything that will strengthen your marriage and increase intimacy between the two of you. And make it clear that this is about both of you. As life becomes exhausting, wives can begin to believe that sex is primarily about their husbands and not very much about them. It can deteriorate pretty quickly into nothing more than “meeting his needs and moving on to the next item on my “to do” list.” Believe me, that frame of mind will drain a woman’s sexual energy and interest in the blink of an eye. So make sure your wife understands that this is about both of you. Show her by your words and actions that your goal is both of you enjoying sex and building intimacy in your marriage.
Body image
Our culture creates an image of a “sexy woman” that bears no resemblance whatsoever to the average married woman. Most wives are not 20 years old, tall, thin, busty and blonde, so at some level they internalize the belief that they’re not sexy. Add in a couple of pregnancies or some extra pounds, and the possibility of ever again feeling like a sensual woman seems like a distant dream. Even if a woman’s husband finds her incredibly sexy and tells her so frequently, she’s likely to have trouble believing it. The messages all around her that say otherwise are just too strong to ignore.
Our culture creates an image of a “sexy woman” that bears no resemblance whatsoever to the average married woman.
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Solution – Share what sexy means to you, and let her know you think she’s sexy. Women tend to measure their own sexuality by the way they view their body and appearance. But many men see more than physical appearance, especially when it comes to the woman they love. I know many husbands who consider their wives’ confidence, strength, accomplishments, love, and concern for others to be incredibly sexy. They think their wives are sexier after 10, 20 or 30 years of marriage than they were on the day they met. So tell your wife what sexy means to you, and let her know by your words and actions that you think she’s hot. She may not believe you, but keep saying it and showing it. And make sure she knows that you value and want all of her, not just her sexy side.
Hormones
Natural hormone changes over a woman’s life can cause fluctuations in sexual interest and energy. Hormones in medications, including birth control pills and other hormonal contraceptives, can exert a similar effect in some women. But many women don’t know that. I wish I had realized years ago how much birth control pills were depleting my interest in sex; it could have prevented a lot of frustration and stress.
Solution – Learn, talk, and take a proactive approach to health and wellness. Do some research and talk about what you learn. Does your wife tend to have difficult menstrual cycles? Can she trace a lack of sexual energy to starting hormonal contraceptives? Has pregnancy or another life change wreaked havoc with her body? The answers to those questions (and others) could indicate that hormones are affecting her ability to feel sexy. If they are, an honest talk with her doctor may be in order. In the meantime, work together on things that can improve hormone balance and overall health for both of you – eat a clean diet, exercise regularly, maintain a healthy weight, sleep 7 to 8 hours a night, and take time to relax and enjoy each other.
Misconceptions
We live in an age of sexual information, and most of us probably assume we know everything we need to know about sex. That’s what I thought, but I was wrong. For example, I didn’t understand the ways women’s and men’s sexual responses can differ, or realize that men’s sexuality is often assumed to be the “gold standard.” So, because I didn’t respond like my husband, I thought there was something wrong with me. Nope, nothing wrong. As I eventually figured out, my response was typical and completely within the normal range for women. But if a woman thinks that something is wrong with her sexually, she’s going to find it harder and harder to feel sexy.
Feeling sexy and enjoying sex and intimacy is difficult for many women, but it’s not impossible.
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Solution – First, understand and appreciate your differences. Don’t be stupid like I was. Make sure you understand the typical differences between men and women when it comes to sex, and act accordingly. Treat her like a woman, and don’t act like there’s something wrong if her sexual response isn’t the same as yours. Do some reading about it, and share what you learn.
Second, embrace your own masculinity and sexuality. This may seem like an odd “solution,” but it really isn’t. Your wife’s attraction to you plays a role in her sensuality and sexual energy, and your masculinity and sexuality are part of what attracted her to you in the first place. So even though our culture often blames masculinity and male sexuality for every problem under the sun, don’t be ashamed of them or feel like you have to tamp them down. Instead, accept them and live them confidently. Few things can draw out a woman’s sexuality the way a sexy, confident man who loves her and cares for her can. And if you know that certain issues in your life are diminishing your sexual energy or attractiveness to her, deal with them
Feeling sexy and enjoying sex and intimacy is difficult for many women, but it’s not impossible. Although the conventional wisdom says that women feel less sexy and enjoy sex less over time, many women are proving the conventional wisdom wrong. Sexual interest and energy can actually increase during marriage, with women who’ve been married 20, 30 or more years feeling as sexy as they’ve ever felt. If your wife has lost touch with her sexy side, there’s hope. And you can take the lead in helping her find it again.
(NOTE: This article focuses on everyday things that can cause a woman to lose touch with her sexuality. Many more serious issues, such as previous sexual abuse, depression, medication side effects, and serious marriage problems, can cause significant damage to a woman’s sexuality, and often need to be addressed with the help of medical or counseling professionals.)
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I’m 49 y.o. and my new girlfriend is more then ten years my senior and she often comments on her being an “old lady” and questions why am I attracted to her etc. I am trying to constantly reaffirm my love for her and her sexiness and beauty, but I feel I am making little progress. The underlying insecurity of her age and my previous relationships (ex-cheating) are creating trust issues. I am committed to her and would appreciate any and all constructive feedback that you may provide. When I look at my life partner I see a beautifully wonderful,… Read more »
In reading this, I find it interesting that there is nothing addressing how a man must feel, that his love doesn’t want to have sex with him because she doesn’t “feel pretty.” If he’s assuring her he finds her beautiful–and he’s indicated that he wants to have sex with her, so it’s kind of implied anyway, to some extent–isn’t he likely to feel a bit rejected? It seems to me that he deserves at least a little reassurance in return, about his attractiveness and lovability. I mean, I think most men understand that sex isn’t always going to happen, but… Read more »
Men need to start to accept the impact of porn use on marriage as well. When most of your desire is channeled towards other women, the real one in your life may not feel great. Same goes for your disrespectful behaviour when you are with other men or in public. Don’t expect us to fall over with our legs in the air when we are not cherished and honoured.
AGREED. I am a woman with a raging sex drive, but nothing will turn me off more than a guy with a porn/ ogling habit or one with disrespectful attitudes towards women (which those behaviors are indicative of). I’m considered very attractive but nothing will make me feel uglier or inadequate like the aforementioned will.
My husband, who cheated on me with a very unfortunate woman recently, told me yesterday that there is nothing I could do to get him turned on. I don’t consider myself ugly, people find me attractive, he doesn’t. I tried to give this marriage a new start, but if he doesn’t find me attractive, or sexy, or anything, then what’s the point of even trying. His sex drive was high with her for almost 2 years. He claims that he will help me to feel beautiful again, but I’m not holding my breath for that one.
Elva, I hope that his actions and mindset have changed and that your marriage is healing. Sometimes men fail to comprehend the most attractive, sexually stunning and wonderful experience is a woman that I have a history with that gives herself freely to me and I to her. I’m hoping things will work out for both your sakes.
These ideas are all a great start. But I know it wouldn’t be enough to make me feel sexy again. And in some ways I don’t know if I would want to. My husband has never had much of a sex drive, and early on in our relationship I put great effort into trying to be seductive for him. But after enough epic fails and somewhat embarrassing rejections the part of me that felt sexy died. Occasionally when he gets an upswing in libido I almost feel a little bad for him because I know I used to put a… Read more »
MrsUnsexy,
Please consider the resurrection of your sex life and build on the small successes. Hope springs eternal.
Great article!
Is it generally safe to say that it also applies to us women in making our husbands feel sexy again?
Hi, I wonder a bit about the Misconception part.
What do you do when she just doesn’t feel any attraction for you, and thinks it’s just the way it’s supposed to be, because biology?
If I read and learn all I can about, but it just increases my sense of failure and frustration because she just won’t want to share any of it?
How do I embrace my own masculinity and sexuality, if she just won’t have any of it?
Hi FlyingKal – Those are tough questions, and I don’t know the answers. You can only work on yourself – none of us can make another person change. Steve Horsman, who commented above, writes about things men can do to change the dynamic in their marriage or relationship. You might be interested in checking out his blog or videos, which you can access by clicking on his name.
Thanks for the mention, Gaye. You’re right – we can’t make others feel attracted to us. FK, I would suggest you reframe your idea of failure. We are not failures when others choose not to share our values and share in our gifts. You are not a failure. We must embrace our own sexual and masculine value BEFORE we invite anyone else to do the same. From this place of clarity and confidence, we don’t rely on their reaction to us for validation. Their choices are their choices. If a man (or woman) is fully self-aware and believes in their… Read more »
Thanks Steve. This is one of the hardest lessons for anyone, man or woman, to learn and accept. We cannot change others – we can only change ourselves and invite the other person to be part of our life. I love “just don’t block the doorway” – that may be the hardest part to convey and follow through on.
Hi Gaye and thank you for your answer. (And sorry for my late reply, as I Iost track of this conversation.) But the basis for my question was your advice in most of the points above to try and understand your differences, communicate, share, talk about it. But if your partner just shuts off and refuse to communicate, do you have any advice on how to get that going? (The reason I feel like a failure in this regard is mostly because of all the articles on how easy it’s supposedly is to avoid it, not taking into account that… Read more »
Gaye, this is great. Loved this part. “As life becomes exhausting, wives can begin to believe that sex is primarily about their husbands and not very much about them. It can deteriorate pretty quickly into nothing more than “meeting his needs and moving on to the next item on my “to do” list.” Believe me, that frame of mind will drain a woman’s sexual energy and interest in the blink of an eye. So make sure your wife understands that this is about both of you. Show her by your words and actions that your goal is both of you… Read more »
Thanks so much, Steve. I really appreciate your support. I was definitely thinking about your work when I wrote the “embrace your masculinity and sexuality” section.
Hi Erin – That’s a great definition/explanation. I think that confidence is such a big part of it, along with a woman recognizing that she is a sexual person and deserves to enjoy her sexuality. And thanks for mentioning the effects of porn. I wanted to say that in the article, but ran out of space. If a woman’s husband is looking at porn, she does know it – and it often delivers a crushing blow to her feelings about herself and her sexuality.
If a woman doesn’t know her husband is looking at porn, she is in danger of suffocation. Odds are she has her head in the sand.
So what is it like to feel sexy? Of course I’ve heard the phrase often enough, but it still doesn’t explain it. Anyone up for that or is it too personal a topic?
What’s it like to feel sexy? For me, it means I feel confident in my body, it feels like I have something worthwhile to offer a man, feeling sexy means I feel the desire to express and develop intimacy. Sexy is when I feel vulnerable in a good way. Feeling sexy means I get to express a different aspect of myself to a special person. To feel sexy is to feel playful and light – not weighed down by the things that can weigh me down. The Body Image one is such a huge one for women I think. The… Read more »
Thank you for responding. That seems like a very good description. The only thing I immediately connect to is the body confidence. I have that, but it’s based on what I can do with it in anything but a sexual context. The rest of your first paragraph I have a difficult time getting my head around. I keep reading it to make some progress. If I don’t understand this the second solution in the article will be hard to implement.
It’s a bit hard to feel sexy when the man we are with makes it clear he wants to be looking at younger women in porn. What a buzz kill. I simply can’t get excited knowing he got his appetite liking at women half my age then wants to use me to finish the job like some masterbation aid. Make me realise how interchangeable and worthless women are to men.
Erin, As a guy there is nothing sexier, nothing more delicious, nothing more “goddess-like” than a confident woman who embraces her sexual spiritual power and allows it to flow out of her. To me she is never overweight and she is never the wrong size or shape. There is nothing………..zero…………nada ever wrong with her. Everything is ALL right with her. There is only what is “goddess like” about her…..her true spiritual/sexual nature. And I adore it all. I understand it takes a confident man……a man, who appreciates and embraces his own greatness to then appreciate the true spiritual/sexual greatness that… Read more »
If only my husband would enjoy intercourse as much as I do and make me feel like a beautiful woman, then it would be different. Your comment was the most uplifting thing I’ve heard in a while and I needed to hear it. I need to find that man that wants and desires me as much as I want and desire him. Sadly I don’t turn my husband on in any way, shape or form. It hit me like a ton of bricks after he flat out told me last night.