How to Identify an Emotionally Draining Person

Emotionally draining people are everywhere.

Whether it’s a colleague, a neighbor, or an acquaintance, you probably run into them all the time.

An unpleasant interaction with an emotionally draining person can easily ruin your day. These people suck more energy from you than they put into you. Your interactions never go anywhere. Being in their presence sucks the life out of you.

Let’s discuss what makes a person emotionally draining and what signs will help you identify that kind of emotional toxicity.

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Your conversations are always one-sided.

It only takes fifteen minutes of conversation with an emotionally draining person before you get the urge to slam your forehead against a wall repeatedly.

That’s because they make everything about them. They never ask about your life — they couldn’t care less. They’re incredibly self-centered, which means they’re always in the mood for a monologue, not a conversation.

What makes these people emotionally draining during a conversation is that they overwhelm you with words, stories, and information you don’t need. They only speak about what interests them. They don’t ask you any questions — you’re only there to listen.

The loop keeps going and going until you come up with an excuse to run off.

“There are so many people who can talk and talk and talk and just say nothing or nearly nothing.” — Ella Fitzgerald

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They’re blinded by delusions of grandeur or victimization.

Emotionally draining people are permanently attention-starved. Their need for attention and validation stems from their delusions of either grandeur or victimization.

In other words, they either think they’re the most incredible thing that has happened to the world after french fries, or believe they’re the most unlucky and helpless people on earth.

Think of that colleague who gushes about his achievements on every work break in the office. Or the friend who complains about her life every time you meet up for coffee.

That kind of excessive self-love or self-loathing drains your patience and energy and makes tolerating their company a heroic feat.

“It’s always worthless sort of person who puts himself out in order to get somebody else worked up.” — Riichi Yokomitsu.

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They are quick to point fingers at others.

There’s another behavior that indicates a person’s company will emotionally drain you:

Their tendency to point fingers at others.

Taking responsibility for a mistake is a foreign concept to them. Playing the blaming game, on the other hand? One of their favorite activities.

You’ve seen how that game plays out. They often talk about circumstances and things “beyond their control”. They blame others to deflect attention from their own ignorance and stupidity. When something goes wrong in their life, somehow it’s always because someone else did them dirty.

It’s because their boss doesn’t like them.

Or because their friend is jealous of them.

Maybe their neighbor is secretly plotting against them or their ex jinxed them.

Why take accountability when things go wrong when there’s always someone else to put the blame on?

“Victims declare,“The world is responsible for me,” and never do anything to better their quality of life.” — Henry Cloud

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They manufacture chaos.

Drama. Intensity. Confusion. Chaos.

Some people feel energized by the stress and tension of chaotic events. They deliberately manufacture chaos, which allows them to drain all the energy of the people around them.

And of course, lacking empathy and compassion, leave others trying to pick up the pieces.

Having emotional outbursts for no evident reason. Picking up fights out of nowhere. Starting arguments. Spreading lies. Emotionally draining people often have high-conflict personalities and love to get into some kind of drama with anyone that crosses their path.

If you’re in their space, arguments and drama are never far away.

“Just because some people are fueled by drama doesn’t mean you have to attend the performance.” — Unknown

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They make everything a competition.

Think of that friend who always has something negative to say when you share some good news, by comparing your lives.

You got a new job? The salary isn’t good enough — not like what they get on their job.

You started dating someone new? Great, but let them show you their recent girlfriend, who’s a model.

You finally started working out? It will be a while until you see any results — you should better follow their workout regime.

Being around someone who makes everything a competition is exhausting. They take your enthusiasm and turn it into sadness. Instead of celebrating your success with you, they see it as a personal challenge.

They don’t want to support you. They want to compete with you.

“It’s a peculiar feature of human nature that we love to see those close to us, climb up the staircase of success, but, behind us.”
― B.S. Murthy, Benign Flame: Saga of Love

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They trigger you.

I saved the most important sign for last.

Up until now, I’ve focused on the way an emotionally draining person behaves, but this one is more about the way you feel around them. The clues your own body gives you after being in contact with them.

Do you feel drained or defeated? Are your nerves on edge? Do you feel a sadness you can’t quite explain?

That’s your body — and mind — telling you you shouldn’t be around this person’s company.

When it comes to social interactions, your intuition works better than you might imagine, so if your gut’s telling you something is wrong, there’s probably a reason for that.

“You don’t need proof when you have instinct.”
― Quentin Tarantino

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Putting it all together…

It’s insane how much energy a person can drain from you.

For the sake of your mental health, make sure you avoid contact with people who:

Show zero interest in you and only talk about themselves.
Victimize themselves or have delusions of grandeur.
Are quick to point fingers at others instead od taking responsibility for their actions.
Create chaos.
Compete with you instead of supporting you.
Trigger you.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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