How to Keep a Pure Heart When People Keep Hurting You

My Nana more than survived the pain people inflicted on her, she filtered it somehow. It is the only way I can explain it, because we have all been told to build strong walls, toughen up, and grow thicker skin, but it was like she just did the opposite.

For as long as I have known her, she managed to keep her heart wide open even when people gave her every reason to shut it down. And for a time, I now realize that I was watching her, waiting for the day she would finally turn bitter and cynical.

Thankfully, that day never came, and in the end, her life taught me one thing: To keep a pure heart, you don’t just avoid the knives; you simply refuse to become one.

The day her sister humiliated her was the day I asked her why

Once, her own sister, the same sister Nana had nursed through illness for weeks, humiliated her during a family dispute with words so sharp and cruel that I was furious on her behalf, because I loved her deeply.

Later that day, when Nana was outside tending to her garden, I followed her outside and almost immediately blurted out: “How do you just let something like that slide? Doesn’t it, at least, hurt?”

Nana paused for such a while that I thought maybe I should have kept my big mouth shut. Now, I have brought it up and made her relive the moment, but then she pointed to a rose stem, her eyes resting on a thorn, she said: “A thorn belongs to the rosebush not to me, Timothy. I only keep the scent.”

That was a line that has always stuck with me.

The 3 Secrets of a pure heart

From watching her, I have learned that a pure heart isn’t necessarily soft, or naïve for that matter, but it is actually strong. It just knows how to stay clean.

What you need to know:

1. Stop carrying what isn’t yours to carry

A lot of the pain you are holding on to actually is borrowed. Other people’s burdens (bitterness, anger, brokenness, etc.) are none of yours to carry. You can feel the sting without letting it take root. To keep your heart pure, let your heart know that their venom is theirs to keep.

We can be compassionate without internalizing others’ emotional pain. So, we show compassion and still say to ourselves: “This is not my burden to carry.” It is simply defining what belongs to us vs. what belongs to others, so we aren’t burdened with their issues.

2. Forgive to free yourself, but learn to protect yourself

I believe forgive and forget is a lie (for lack of a better word). You will never forget, but you don’t have to stay trapped. You can forgive, of course, but that doesn’t mean doing a memory wipe of the past; it means unchaining yourself from it. Then, with what you have learned, you adjust your boundaries and now walk wiser.

It is extremely important that forgiveness is practiced in healthy ways so as to reap the benefits: better mental, emotional, and even physical health for the one who so forgives.

3. Have boundaries, not walls.

You see, a wall by definition blocks everyone out. A boundary, on the other hand, blocks only people behaving badly. Failing to set those boundaries only gives others more power to hurt you. In setting boundaries, however, you are defining what behavior you will not tolerate, thereby reducing your chances of repeated hurt.

Forgiveness does not necessarily imply full reconciliation or removal of protections; boundaries are in place to maintain safety and dignity while still processing forgiveness.

My Nana wasn’t anybody’s doormat, you understand. She was more like a gatekeeper who chose who and what could get close, and she always kept her heart open to love. I believe that is why it stayed pure.

YOUR BIG CHALLENGE:

What you can do today is try Nana’s model: acknowledge the thorn, but only keep the scent. In that vein, can you find one toxic pattern in your life you are releasing today to protect your own inner core?

Remember, your pure heart is like your superpower! It is not a weakness, it is, in reality, toughness in its highest form.