How to Know If You’re Working Too Hard in Your Relationship

In my job as a therapist, I hear about all kinds of relationship problems. No two couples are exactly the same when it comes to their struggles and successes, but there is a common theme that comes up again and again among my clients whose relationships are going through a rough patch: one partner is doing the majority of the work to hold things together. And that person is exhausted.

Love may conquer all in rom-coms or songs by Celine Dion, but in real life the effort that goes into maintaining a romantic relationship is significant and ongoing. And quite often it doesn’t break down exactly 50/50 among the participants. What’s important is how the effort spreads out over time. In other words, does each partner have periods when they are giving a bit more, or does “giving more” constantly fall on the shoulders of one of them? Has the couple fallen into a pattern in which one person does the bare minimum and the other makes up the difference?

This kind of imbalance isn’t always intentional; it can happen without either partner even realizing it until it has become a fundamental characteristic of the relationship. And like most bad habits, it’s a lot easier to form than to break. But if you allow it to continue for too long, the person doing all the work will either burn out and abruptly call it quits, or stick around simply because they lack the energy it takes to leave. Both outcomes are miserable.

Do you suspect you may be doing “too much” work in your relationship? Here are some telltale signs:

You’re doubling as an event planner. If there are plans to be made, you’re the one making them, whether it’s date night, a group outing with friends, or even your own birthday dinner. Maybe your partner halfheartedly offers to take charge or set up the details, but you have learned from experience that if you don’t do it yourself, it’s not getting done.
You initiate all (or most) of the communication. When the flirty text conversation comes to its natural end, are you already hard at work coming up with the next topic or reason to reach out? Do you find yourself worrying that if you don’t initiate contact (virtual or IRL), the relationship’s progress will slow to a halt? If so, you may be locked in a pattern where you engage first (the harder job) and your partner merely responds to the prompt (much easier).
You feel emotionally depleted. You haven’t gotten into a heated argument with your significant other or weathered some other major crisis, but you still feel like you’ve run a marathon. It’s no wonder, if you’re giving 99% to every 1% your partner gives to the relationship. Your relationship should lift you up far more than it weighs you down. Exhaustion is a sign that something is seriously out of balance.
Your standards have dropped significantly. Forget grand gestures — are you swooning because your partner remembered to ask about your big work deadline, or took 5 seconds to forward you a funny TikTok? There’s nothing wrong with either of those things, but they fall under the category of totally normal, expected relationship behavior. They are not the stuff of epic romance. If you are blown away by the bare minimum of effort or consideration, you might be in a relationship where your bar is exceedingly low.
You’re lonely in the relationship. When you enter into a romantic partnership, the last thing you should feel is lonely. But if your significant other isn’t contributing their fair share of effort and emotional energy, the relationship can often feel like a party of one. Instead of navigating life side by side, you are constantly hurrying to chase or meet your partner where they are — and you’re doing so alone.

Taking on the majority of work in a relationship can lead to all sorts of negative, self-defeating thoughts and behaviors. You may find yourself highly anxious, questioning your self-worth and lovability, and trying to “solve the puzzle” of how to make your partner show up in a more active way. This will only exhaust you even more.

If you think your relationship has fallen into a state of unbalance, try talking about it with your partner. They may not even be aware of how hard you’re working, and if they truly care about you and your future together they should be happy to relieve you of some of that burden. If, however, they invalidate your feelings and refuse to do their part to help change the dynamic, you can take the energy you’ve been directing toward them and use it to walk right out the door.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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