“I’m worried about myself!”
That’s all Bill’s text message said.
I got this concerning text just as the hostess sat my wife and I down at our table. And before I could hit send on the text message back to Bill, my phone started ringing.
My wife heard the desperate call for help and said, “Answer it, honey…He sounds like he’s in trouble.”
As I tried to make my way through the loud restaurant to the front door exit, Bill was halfway through his story. But the only words I could make out were this:
“…and that’s when the cops arrived.”
“Sorry, Bill, you’re going to have to start over because I couldn’t hear a word you said before.”
“Oh…ok…” he said as if he wasn’t sure he could go through the dramatic presentation again.
I crossed the line
“I showed up at my ex-girlfriend’s dinner party tonight—uninvited. She was with some new guy I’ve never seen before,” Bill said.
“They were all dressed up like it was a romantic date. I was in my jogging pants and hoodie staring through the big bay window in her front yard. I must have looked like a prowler or peeping Tom,” he said. “That’s why the neighbor called the cops.”
“When I knocked on the door, my ex—much to my surprise—let me in,” he said, “even though she knew I’d lose my shit. Maybe that’s what she wanted.”
“Why were you even at her house?” I asked.
“I had this gut feeling she was seeing another guy, so I drove around her block a few times to get a peek, and I’ll be damned if I wasn’t right. There was a tall, arty-looking dude sitting—in my chair!— at the dining room table with another couple.”
“But I thought you two broke up!” I said, confused. “You’re both free to see whoever you want, right?”
“Yes, we did break up for the twentieth time, but I can’t live with her or without her! It’s an impossible mess, indeed. And I think it’s going to be the ruin of me,” he said in a helpless tone.
I was surprised by the clarity of Bill’s assessment of the collateral damage he was causing to himself and others. He was ordinarily such a smart, caring, and humble guy, but once he got into this relationship, he became someone I didn’t recognize.
“What did your ex and her guests think about you crashing the party?” I asked.
“Before or after, I flipped the dinning table over?” he said.
“Of course, you’re joking, right?” I asked.
“Nope!” he said popping the “p.”
“When I saw the roses and card on the table, I lost it. I gave her — and then the ‘dude’— a piece of my mind, just as they were about to dig into my favorite meal: Fontina-stuffed pork chops with mashed potatoes.”
“You’re scaring me, Bill,” I said.
“But why did the cops show up?”
“We got into a big fight, broke some dishes and made lots of noise,” he said.
“Who got into a fight?…You and the dude?” I asked.
“Well, first, my ex and I. But eventually, all four of us!” he said.
“After I flipped the table over, all I remember seeing is my ex’s beautiful slate floor covered in broken plates. Scoops of decorative butter balls were rolling around with the sourdough bread soaking in a blood-red wine, mashed potatoes, and tasty pork chops scattered about the square tiles. It looked so good, I almost took a bite off the floor,” Bill said, sounding like a crazy man.
“And that’s when the cops showed up…with their guns out, screaming for us to put our hands up in the air.”
“They thought it was a burglary gone wrong. It took some explaining, but we got things settled down. They let me go home with a stern warning.”
“There’s more,” Bill said. By this point, I’d heard enough and cut him off.
The Lecture
“Bill, you’re 43-year-old CPA that runs a successful accounting firm. You work for some of the biggest companies in our state and serve on several boards in town. You can’t go around behaving like this,” I lectured.
“You’re going to get arrested, fired, and lose everything you’ve worked so hard to achieve.”
“Ever since you and this lady started going out, it’s been like a bad country song. Is this relationship worth all the pain?” I asked.
“No. I can’t continue like this,” Bill confessed, “but I also don’t know how to pull myself away from the fire. She’s got some kind of headlock on me that I can’t escape.”
Right or Wrong
Many of us had probably gone through a complicated relationship before in our lives, where we did stuff that, in hindsight, makes us cringe at our behavior. That behavior might be something as simple as we called too many times, left too many voice messages, or wrote a note that said too much.
Or it could have been much worse, like showing up unannounced at our ex’s house, flipping over a dinner table, and having the cops arrive. I haven’t done that yet, but it sounds like quite a dramatic scene.
I find it interesting that couples who fight a lot talk about the relationship in terms of “right” versus “wrong.” While most of them know the relationship is bad for them, they can’t get beyond its grip. They mistake the powerful pull they have with each other as a sign that the relationship must be “right” for them.
But this attraction might not be love at all, as much as it is something much more psychological.
The Basic Question
My advice for individuals and couples that fight a lot is not to talk about whether a relationship is “right or “wrong for you.” Instead, ask yourself one fundamental question:
Is the relationship you have with the other person “healthy” or “unhealthy” for you?
It’s that simple!
What do I mean by healthy vs. unhealthy?
If you find yourself doing things that are damaging, demeaning, belittling, threatening, violent, or self-destructive to you or others, it’s usually a good indication that the relationship is unhealthy.
While you may feel some magnetic attraction to other person, this connection doesn’t necessarily mean it’s love. Instead, it could be some unresolved psychologic gunk from your family or childhood that you’re trying to work out or fix in the other.
What you think makes the relationship “right” might be the most unhealthy thing you can do for your life, particularly if you find yourself doing something that you regret or that damages others.
Of course, if your relationship involves threats or acts of violence of any sort, this is a mark of an unhealthy relationship. Get out of this situation immediately.
But the more slippery, harder-to-detect, and destructive force is when you believe you’re “in love,” but you don’t feel good about yourself. You don’t like who you are or who you’re becoming. And you regularly have unhealthy thoughts — jealousy, rage, retaliation, vengeance, and low self-esteem — coursing through your mind.
This sad state of affairs is when a relationship is unhealthy and detrimental to the stability of your life.
How does the relationship make you feel?
When you find yourself in the throes of love, it’s essential to monitor how you feel about yourself when you’re with the other person. If being in this relationship makes you angry, uncomfortable, or feel insufficient, you’re probably in an unhealthy relationship. And that doesn’t bode well for your future.
Even good, solid relationships go through periods where couples exhibit some unhealthy behaviors, which is something to watch. However, you have to draw the line at not indulging, tolerating, or perpetuating unhealthy behaviors in yourself or from others. Because once you go down this path of allowing an unhealthy dynamic to operate between you and the other, it usually gets worse.
Like healthy food, a healthy relationship is based on love that promotes your well-being, makes you feel good and alive, and provides you with a higher quality of life.
However, like a drug or alcohol addiction, if you find yourself in a relationship that makes you feel bad or sick, you’re probably not in love, as much as you’re wrestling with unresolved psychological issues between your past, and the other person.
Bill’s ok now
It’s been many years since Bill flipped over that table, but after that incident, Bill and his ex gave it one more try. They moved in together and made all kinds of promises to be better to each other.
When things were going well with them, they were a sparkling couple. But when things were bad, it would get downright ugly.
Unfortunately, it didn’t take too long before Bill and his ex got into another climactic fight. When his ex pushed the BBQ grill — with steaks on it — into the pool, Bill stood outside his normal rage and just observed. As the black charcoal briquettes turned the blue water of the pool into a hazy, swirling storm of toxicity, Bill’s vision got crystal clear.
It was over.
While Bill could see the magnetic pull between them, he also saw the destabilizing effect they had on each other. And he realized how unhealthy the relationship was for them. They’d both came from difficult childhoods and were trying to address and fix things that had long passed them.
On their own, they were the kindest, most gentle and caring people you’d ever meet. But when you wrapped them up together they became a bundle of emotional dynamite sticks with a fuse ready—and wanting—to be lit at any moment.
As much passion as Bill had for this lady; he knew it was heading toward a dangerous place. It wasn’t her as much as it was something in him that he needed to work out — not in a relationship, but in therapy — which he did for several years.
I’m happy to report that Bill is now in a healthy relationship with a new wife that brings out the best in him. More importantly, Bill feels good about himself and is not doing anything to damage himself or others. His ex moved to Detroit and got married to a former WWF wrestler turned mattress king. She seems much better too!
Bill and his new wife come over for dinner every once and awhile. We have a lot of fun together as couples, but I’m a little uneasy when there’s food around, as I don’t want our beautiful dining room table flipped, or our fancy BBQ grill pushed into the pool — just kidding Bill!
You’re in a much healthier place now.
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Previously published on medium
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Photo credit: Photo by Eric Ward on Unsplash