How to Love a Man in 2025

Last year I wrote How to Love a Man in 2024: Or rather, how to ‘hate men’ a little better.

The piece examined women’s collective rage towards men and their inability to be the partners we desire. I discussed how patriarchy robs men of genuine love, giving them an illusion of wellbeing and success that is so far removed from real truth and goodness. They do not engage with the beauty of life with women, but rather, they use women to fill the rotting hole inside themselves.

While this article resonated within me at the time, there is an essential piece to this conversation that I failed to articulate. You’re going to have to lend me a bit of trust as I state the following:

Men will not be able to heal from patriarchy on their own.

I hope you feel some level of resistance to this statement, because initially it doesn’t sound hopeful — nor does it sound very empowering — especially for women. But I would like to passionately argue the opposite.

Men traumatized themselves.

Men have completely fucked this all up for everyone involved, including themselves. To exert power and control over women, to neglect the health of women, to insecurely need the approval of other men — this cycle perpetuates emptiness. They have trapped themselves in a system that teaches them to suppress vulnerability, to prioritize dominance over connection, and to disconnect from the full spectrum of human emotion.

It seems quite obvious to state that men are collectively not ok.

Men are living in a reality that is not honest. That is what trauma does, it warps how we see the world and skews our view of what is good and desirable. And to step into trauma healing, the best first steps are to slowly move into the honest realization of maybe I’m not OK. I am hurting. I have emotions I’ve been conditioned to repress. I have had to deny a severe amount of my humanity in order to be accepted as a man. I don’t feel like I have space to be myself or to pursue things I’m interested in. I don’t feel like women want to be with me. I feel like women don’t like me. I feel like a woman will never love me for who I am.

While I don’t really believe that it’s necessary to state that either sex is ‘better’ or ‘more powerful’ than the other, I think it’s helpful in this conversation to state that the feminine has always been ‘more powerful’ than the masculine. Our bodies create life. Our cyclical rhythms mirror moon cycles and stretch us into deep awareness of emotional realms that men just don’t get access to in the same way.

I believe patriarchy was fundamentally a projection of profound insecurity. Man grew uncomfortable with his role of supporting and protecting the powerful other; he desired external validation of his own worth. Wanting to prove he was ‘good’ too, he used his physical strength to overpower the feminine and assert control. This is the essence of the wounded masculine. So why can’t men heal from patriarchy on their own? What does this actually mean?

The healing of patriarchy will start with women.

It’s a distinct, raw feminine resilience that lives in women’s bodies that I believe is enough to bring forth this new era of relationship.

It’s a deeply buried truth emerging now that says ‘I know my worth’; a fierceness that says ‘I will not settle for anything less.’ In action, women will begin to remove themselves from these relationships that are not loving. We will stop sleeping with men, letting them have access to the beauty of intimacy that isn’t cherished. If they cannot bring care and appreciation into our lives, they will no longer have access to us. And maybe that will be the thing that pushes them over the edge, the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Men need women. Men yearn for us, whether they are aware of how beautiful that yearning is or not. And it doesn’t mean anyone is better than the other. It is poetry. It is a yin and yang of the universe in a bizarre expression that happens to be ‘gender’. It’s the God of the old testament that sees Adam in the garden and states “it is not good for man to be alone,” and makes for him, a woman.

Men need to know that we believe they can feel their collective pain and become the partners we need them to be. In other words, in order for them to feel called to action, they need to know that we actually want them.

As women start to collectively remove themselves from toxic male-female relationships, more and more men will find themselves alone, struggling more than ever with insecurity and loneliness that is masked by patriarchy. The thing that will not help them is hatred. If all they feel from women is hatred and horror, they will stay trapped in their disillusion, unable to visualize a future wherein they are loved and cherished themselves.

It’s ok for women to feel like they hate men. Rage is a necessary, somatic response to the trauma of male violence and toxic masculinity. Yes, patriarchy harms both men and women, but its impact on women is far greater. We also remain connected to generations of women who have endured it before us. This is no small wrong to right. This is millions of women’s bodies and voices, eradicated.

A world where women are not given space to thrive and create is not a world worth living in. To cut women off from their creativity, leadership, and love has quite literally led to the death of a planet.

Men must summon the courage to acknowledge that women are truly what make this world beautiful. They need to take an honest look at the fruit of patriarchy and grieve. They need to own up to the hell that is their inner emotional world. And men cannot do this without knowing there is a world where we want to love them.

When women are cherished, the world heals.

It is time for the feminine to rise again. Back into leadership, back into power, back to a soft, loving spirit of compassion and justice that is her nature. And we cannot do this without men giving up the control they’ve clung to for so long.

The truth is, men have no idea how good it can get. To support and love a woman..to revel in genuine, loving intimacy with her. To be loved and cherished by her. That is enough for a man.

And for women, to be loved and cherished by a man is absolutely wonderful. The pleasure, safety, and security of a secure partner..it feels incredible. But that isn’t exactly enough for us. We have art to make. We have generations of trauma to heal. We have babies to birth. And we have a planet to heal.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***