How to Make Your Relationship Fail

After working with over 500 men and couples, I’ve seen the same patterns arise over and over.

The default teachings we’ve absorbed about relating are, quite frankly, abysmal.

In fact, it’s as if we were given a recipe for disaster.

I put together our cultural beliefs below as if they are explicit relationship advice, so we can see what we’re dealing with.

Here are 20 steps for creating a disaster of a relationship.

Believe that chemistry / attraction equals compatibility
Keep the peace at all costs — ‘happy wife, happy life’
If something is amiss, it’s her job to bring it up
Don’t ask for what you want — and be resentful when you don’t get it
It’s best to talk your partner out of what they are feeling using logic
Use complaint or criticism to get behavior change.
Empathy and compassion are signs of weakness — don’t use them
Boundaries are ‘mean’ and you shouldn’t have any
Don’t talk about sex — it should ‘just be natural’
Don’t ask for help — you’re both adults, figure things out
Defensiveness and advice are key communication skills
Only be comfortable with positive emotions
View jealousy as a sign of love
Believe all your thoughts — avoid giving benefit of the doubt
Take any requests about sex personally and get defensive
Avoid taking responsibility at all costs
Don’t learn your partner’s ‘owner’s manual’ — assume they work the same way you do
Argue the facts to resolve any disagreements
Say ‘yes’ when you really mean ‘no’ just to be nice
Avoid talking about the relationship and operate from unexamined narratives and expectations