How to Move On When You Have No Why

So there I was, waiting intrepidly for a call that never arrived.

I had removed all the pressure, I had made sure he knew I wanted to speak without the need of getting back together, rather to be two people who care for and respect each other. I wanted clarity. I wanted to understand.

I soon came to the realization that, like many times before this one, there would be no rational explanation made available by the other party, I’d have to sort out the chaos running through my wired emotions all by myself.

It’s always a curious process, when you have to create a narrative about why someone else made a certain decision or acted a certain way or completely disappeared into thin air. It’s curious because by definition you know the explanation cannot be true, however in order to survive you must find a way to actually believe it.

I decided to focus instead on the knowledge that I never even really liked this guy, not as a man, not as a partner, not in conversation, not as a person, not physically…fundamentally, I only liked this big kid because of the vision of future together he had created and the consistency and frequency of interaction.

I liked the picture he was painting, but each time we spoke I liked him less and less.

It was time to move on.

In the loneliness of the night however, I couldn’t help it. I checked his socials.

There she was, on the tune of ‘I can see clearly now the rain is gone’, the new girlfriend.

Blonde, like me, looking more snobby and money driven, more like him.

It hit me like a dagger.

The first thought went to why he would prefer someone else in the space of a month, however my mind also rationally connected the dots on a number of details I had decided to skis:

When we started dating, he had told me he had broken up in August, yet he had a picture of his ex with a heart in November in his Facebook stories he thought I hadn’t watched. This was a pattern.
A friend of his I had at the very beginning over the phone told me to be very careful with him, not to trust him.
He told me he loved me after only meeting me once.

And so much more.

I was merely a stand-in suitable ex girlfriend. I fit the mold. Tall, pretty, polished, smart, kind and loving, feminine. He must have overlooked the fact that I also have a brain and personality when we initially met. Ops.

I knew all along this guy was a self-entitled, lying, superficial, narcissistic and quite un-intelligent man.

However, this is not on him, it’s on me. It’s time to take some accountability for my own suffering: I should have ended it day 1.

I knew.

When Life Tests You (to See If You Truly Are a Moron)

Why we keep facing the same situation over and over again

There is always a moment, typically straight after a failed relationship, or several failed relationships later, when Life looks at you straight in the eyes and says:

You think you’ve learned your lesson, b!tch please, let’s see how you handle level 2.0.

Here I was, telling one of my closest friends that I couldn’t even imagine myself liking another human of male species after all of the tragic endings of the past years, when the hottest guy adds me on Instagram.

R (my latest ex), but 2.0 — taller, more handsome, better photos, but the same exact type. Elegant, showy, magnetic, narcissistic.

No way! I thought. I’ve learned my lesson!

In all fairness I had seen this guy on Raya and had selected the ‘nope’ sign, knowing far too well that he was bad news.

But you never truly know just how bad the news are unless you truly dig a little deeper.

In fact, life doesn’t just present you with the same challenge that you clearly lost to, it levels up: now that you have experience, let’s see you beat the next level.

Here he was, in my DM’s, and considering my profile has no ‘nakedy’ bikini photos, it has a rather ‘friends and family PG13’ feel to it, no man adds me out of the blue hence I start think ing— how bad can it be to add him back?

In a moment of lucidity as I am sitting there laughing on my own I Google his name (yes, our generation still occasionally Googles): he is a two time convicted criminal who just got out of jail in the US for smuggling a kilo of cocaine.

It cannot be, I think — who would keep their name and create an open Instagram account with these credential openly on several articles online?

Well, my friends, he had!

I’m laughing sitting here writing this. My first man hitting on me post-R is a convicted felon. There truly is no end to the worst!

Repetition Compulsion: it’s time to stop playing the game.

There is this funny thing called ‘Repetition Compulsion’, aka — let me re-live the same situation and see if I can win the match this time around.

It doesn’t work.

It doesn’t matter how many rules of the game you’ve learned, how many times you’ve tried beating Level 1, it doesn’t even matter if previously you’ve reached level 12.

In the long run, you should learn not to play the game.

It’s a little bit like playing the slot machines. In the end, the house always wins and you will be left with a broken heart and long lost time which you will never get back.

Will I ever win?

Possibly, but not a game. Not this game, at least.

For now, my friends, I will focus on the usual: work, balance, wellbeing and a little bit of alone time. Not that it has ever worked in the long run but, as Albert Einstein famously said: