That time she told me, I swear I broke out in a cold sweat.
It’s more than a year ago now, but the memory lingers. I knew something was up when my girl bolted out of school — blotches staining her delicate features. I held her close, and through tears and snots, her stumbling words painted a sad picture.
Her classmate invited all the girls but her to a party. And, with the diplomacy skills of an average ten-year-old, she had told her so in front of the class. Rage bubbled in my stomach while I silently cursed the girl’s mum, who saw nothing wrong with her daughter, excluding a friend.
I don’t know how I kept my counsel, but as any tween parent can tell you, the drama will find your child. So how can we deal with it and keep a cool head?
When kids use friendship as a weapon
In his book, ‘Raising Girls’, Steve Biddulph explains:
‘Friends are important to most of us, but for girls, they are like the oxygen they breathe.’
So when things go array in a friendship, it can rock your daughter’s world. According to Signe Whitson, a bullying prevention expert, using friendship and social status for manipulation is relational aggression. She notes:
“This type of bullying is marked by crimes of omission that make it very hard for girls to put their finger on what they are experiencing in their friendships — yet the pain, humiliation, and isolation are unmistakable,”
This can be devastating for girls, but it’s equally tricky for parents, with some behaviors so subtle your daughter might find them hard to articulate.
Common bullying behaviors and how to spot them
Whitson lays out the most common types of bullying behaviors, or bitchiness, which is what we would have called it in my day:
- Excluding girls from parties and playdates. (This happens more than you think, as my daughter can attest.)
- Talking about events (playdates, parties) in front of girls who are not invited.
- Mocking or teasing.
- Saying a mean thing and then following it up with “just joking” to avoid blame.
- Using the mean girls’ cliche of: “We can’t be friends if….”
- Starting rumors about girls in person or cyberbullying on social media where girls exclude their ‘frenemies’ or damage their reputation.
Cyberbullying is on the rise affecting girls more than boys
The latter behavior affects girls more than boys, as the U.S. Department of Education’s research shows a record number of 21% of girls in middle and high school is being bullied by text or online in the 2016–17 school year, but less than 7% of boys are. These figures have gone up in two years, from 16% of girls to 6% of boys in the same age group, and we can expect them to rise some more thanks to Covid and extended time online.
With 45% of U.S. teens reporting negative feelings towards social media because of all the drama, we shouldn’t be surprised at these figures.
Why do girls bully other girls?
Lauren Paul set up the nonprofit ‘Kind Campaign’ with fellow former bullying survivor Molly Thompson to focus on ‘girl against girl bullying. She explains 90% of the stories she hears are of girls bullied by other girls:
“Most of the time — if not almost all the time — it’s about what’s going on with other girls. It’s this longing to be accepted by their female peers specifically and feeling broken if they don’t.”
How can we help our daughters without intervening?
Whitson suggests we can support our daughters by pointing out the behaviors outlined above and teaching them this stuff is unacceptable. Powered with this knowledge, our girls can decide if they prefer to hang out with these mean girls or move towards other, kinder pals.
Also, provide a shoulder to cry on. When your daughter feels she can tell you anything, she can relax when she comes home from conflict.
Some might say that with young girls being told to be good at all times, we don’t teach them to be angry, so Whitson tells parents to:
“teach their children how to be angry effectively — by role modeling assertive communication skills and by accepting anger when it is respectfully expressed — fortify girls with the confidence to walk away from toxic friendships.”
Telling her to use simple phrases like: “knock it off,” or “Tell me when you get to the funny part” will help your daughter to assert herself calmly.
Another powerful tool in your daughter’s ammunition is knowing what a healthy friendship constitutes, so keep an ongoing conversation about what a good friend is.
How can we teach our daughters what good friendships are?
Steve Biddulph uses this method in ‘Raising Girls’:
Talk to your daughter and ask her to write down the qualities of a good friend. Then ask her:
- Who is her best friend and why?
- Does your daughter think she is a good friend?
- Does she find it hard to be a good friend, and why?
- Does she think she is getting better at being a good friend?
Friendships play such a massive part in her life and will always do so, so taking time to discuss this will help her in the long run.
Tips for parents: how can we be friendship role models?
Children watch us more than we think, so consider your own behavior.
- Try to show interest in others and chat with people you have just met.
- Show empathy with your daughter and with others.
- Speak up for your rights in shops or anywhere where you feel you’re being shortchanged. Even if you’re an introvert, be clear and persistent.
- Try not to exclude anyone.
- Talk about your friends, share stories about your schooldays. It helps when they don’t feel they’re the only ones to go through this. (For some reason, these seem to work with my daughter.
Conclusion
Like mood swings and talking back, the drama will become part of your daughter’s life once she turns ten.
With social media making it easier for girls to bully classmates, now more than ever we need to fortify our daughters, enabling them to walk away from toxic friendships.
But how? By talking about the behaviors to watch out for, providing a strong shoulder, teaching her to stand up for herself, and modeling good friendship behavior, you can.
Trust me, with time, perspective and support, they will get through any drama, just like my daughter did, eventually.
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Previously Published on medium
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