The person I have been most attracted to in my entire life goes by ‘they’ pronouns, has probably never been to a gym in their adult life, and I am bothered to this day that I don’t know what color their eyes are.
Don’t ask me to explain it. Attraction is complicated. Is it cuz they are Jewish, and I’m Jewish, and we met over Shabbat dinner? Is it cuz they had a partner at the time, so I felt safe from the requirements of real physical intimacy? Is it cuz they were just pushy enough so I couldn’t be confused about the fact that they wanted me, without pushing me into anything I didn’t want to do or wasn’t ready for?
What amount of attraction is healthy, and what amount is fueled by our childhood traumas, attachment disorders, relational issues?
The person I am second-most-attracted-to is the character of Maggie in ER, played by Jorja Fox. Part of me desperately wants a kind, rugged lady to defend me from sexism and witch-doctor me whole. Don’t you?
Don’t we all? We all do.
Attraction does not work like most men seem to think it does. I’ve never in my life made a decision about who to sleep with based on whether I thought doing so would advance my social status. I suppose there are women who do think like that. I don’t think most men want to end up with a woman who thinks like that, though, so the best I can tell you about that is we are not all like that, so if you find one that is, run away.
Attraction starts in the fingertips or the lips or wherever else it starts. It is not conscious. You cannot change attraction by telling her about your 401(k) or your yacht or your latest business trip to Beijing or where you graduated from college. When it comes to sexuality, no one cares.
Women do care how you present yourself, of course. Stand up straight. Make eye contact. Look like you give a damn.
Yes, you will attract a certain kind of woman if you act like a jerk and neg her and break her confidence down. Yes, you will attract another kind of woman entirely if you pretend not to be invested in her. I guess it’s up to you whether you want the kind of sex that’s about someone else’ insecurity, or the kind that’s about, er, organic chemistry.
Most guys get physically solid when they like someone. They meet eye contact only on purpose, and hold it for too long. They either sit back and wait for her to flutter towards him and do all the work, or else they try to move from chatting to ‘romantic interlude’ and come on too strong. Instead, experiment with just doing what feels good to you in the moment. If it’s working for her, go from there.
You don’t have to stop and ask for permission until you get to the touching part. Women are generally very good at getting up and leaving if we want to detach. Some of us more sensitive types, like me, might even get up randomly to go shriek at ourselves in the bathroom to A) let out nervous energy and B) avoid coming off like a crazy person. Don’t read too much into it. If she gets up to go to the bathroom and comes back, she probably was not *giving you a signal.* She probably just needed to go to the bathroom. Like humans do.
If you’re ever unsure of the signals you’re getting, ask. Please ask. There is nothing more poisonous to attraction than when a man assumes he has been rejected or friend-zoned when really she just, like, had to run to the bathroom because she was sick to her stomach and didn’t want to tell him. Don’t be so wary of rejection that you presume it’s an inevitability.
Pay attention to her nonverbal cues, but you don’t need to overdo it. If you’re into her and she seems into you, everything’s probably fine, so relax. If you’re into her and you’re not sure what’s happening for her, or you feel like she’s giving you mixed signals, do. not. get. resentful. Instead, gently ask her what you need to know to feel safe to continue.
If she gives you an answer that sounds fake, or seems like she’s lying, or won’t engage with your attempt at honest dialogue? Then you can get mad.
It’s important to learn the skills to safely express and navigate your anger before entering into a relationship, of course. I think that goes without saying. Anger is a human emotion and it will inevitably occur. You don’t have to pretend to be unflappable or impossible to anger. That’s inhuman, and it will make real intimacy incomplete. Instead, learn to express yourself confidently and directly when you feel angry so you can get your needs met without causing harm in the process.
Attraction does not mean that you will always understand each other perfectly the first time. Just because someone is right for you, does not mean that interacting with them won’t challenge you, or piss you off, or confuse or upset you at times. Human beings will push each other’s buttons, especially if there is sex involved. If you have any unhealed trauma, repressed grief, or deep childhood wounds, expect them to be triggered during the early stages of courting.
There is no vulnerability like the will we/won’t we of just before you first kiss somebody. Women sometimes handle that anxiety with distancing behaviors like gossiping with friends or flirting with other guys for validation. Men sometimes handle that anxiety with distancing behaviors like flirting with other girls to convince himself he has options, or walling himself off if the ‘pre-sex’ part takes too long and he starts feeling rejected.
Please don’t do this. At least, try not to.
Instead, remember that sooner or later, someone has to take the first step. It’s probably going to be messy and there might be embarrassment involved. You can make the embarrassment work for you.
Seriously, that person I mentioned at the top of the story? Wouldn’t have known how much they were into me if they hadn’t started leaning on their own trash can and then almost tipped over. So cute.
Women look at these events as cute details that make us feel validated and appreciated. Men tend to look at these events with utter horror. You are wrong. We like it when you’re vulnerable. It makes us feel safe being vulnerable, too.
So experiment with some vulnerability. Tell her how you feel, but, like, gently. DO NOT TRY TO SEDUCE HER. Women sense when we’re being seduced and assume it’s manipulation. You do not need to put so much effort in when the two of you are at that precipice.
Yeah, some women want that kind of effort, but those are the kind of women who value a relationship based on how much money you plan to spend on roses for their birthday. Eew.
So don’t cook them dinner. Don’t sing a romantic song. You don’t need to tell her you love her, unless you want to. Basically, avoid doing anything that might make her think you’re only being romantic or loving or tender because you want to get in her pants.
Instead, try being honest.
Take her hand and tell her you want her. Tell her you can’t stop thinking about her. Tell her what you like about her — focus on what she makes you feel, rather than some external quality of hers. Then tell her you’d really like to kiss her.
That’s it. Just kiss her. Full stop.
Look. Women are not stupid. We know that if we want a Real Relationship with you, we probably can’t fuck you on the first date, even if we want to, unless we clarify that we also want something more. We know that there are Rules. We know that you see some women as just for fun, some women as potential soulmates, and some as maybes. Because we know that, most of us worry endlessly about making the first move (or the second, or..) for fear you’ll think we’re moving too fast, or only want something casual.
That being said, we are also red-blooded primates who are not, like, immune to sexual tension. If you’re feeling it, and she’s hung in there for the flirting and the innuendo and the eye-sexing, she wants to fuck you.
She simply lives in a culture that tells her she is not allowed to want that.
So make it easy for her.
Tell her you have feelings for her that are more than just ‘I want to fuck you,’ and ideally, tell her what kind of relationship dealio you are offering. Then, if she says yes, go in for the kiss.
After that, let her show you how far she wants to go.
Women spend most of our sexual lives being dragged around by one man or another. He kisses us, manhandles us, tries to dictate every move. So be the one who lets her guide the action. She’ll see it as an act of equality and feminism, which it is, but it is also fundamentally an act of friendship.
Give her that power, because chances are, if she’s a woman in this society, the power to dictate her own sexuality has been taken from her.
If you do that, trust me. She’ll feel much more comfortable being sexual and free in her body with you, because she will feel that she has a safe partner who she can trust. Moreover, you will actually BE a safe partner she can trust.
Go have some great sex!
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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