Have you ever not approached an attractive woman, because you were scared of appearing “creepy”?
That’s a noble move, but it’s not going to get you the girl.
Of course, creeping her out won’t work either.
So, what if I told you how to consistently approach women without ever being deemed as a creep?
That’s what I’m aiming to do in this guide, so buckle up.
What Do Women Find Creepy?
To succeed in our mission to not be creepy, we must first understand what creeps women out.
Coincidentally, it’s the same things that creep men out.
The difference is: most men will put up with these things if the woman is hot enough.
That’s pretty creepy in itself, but I digress.
Whether you’re a man or a woman, it’s easy to know when you’re creeped out, but it’s often difficult to explain why.
Even if they can, most women won’t stop to explain why they’re ditching a creepy guy. They’ll just disappear.
Thankfully, throughout my years of practicing and teaching the art of seduction, I’ve identified four common behaviors that make men seem creepy AF to women.
Let’s explore them now.
1. Incongruence
Congruence is when your thoughts, words and actions are aligned.
When they’re not aligned, something feels “off”.
This can make it hard to trust you. It makes people worry that you’re hiding an ulterior motive. And that can be scary.
- Let’s imagine you compliment an attractive woman in a shopping mall, but you whisper. That’s incongruent and creepy AF. Your words are expressing an innocent compliment, but your actions are communicating that you’re ashamed of being heard. This is why I always recommend being loud and proud wherever you approach a woman.
- Now, let’s imagine you open the conversation by talking about the weather, even though you actually want to flirt with her. That’s incongruent and creepy AF. Your thoughts are about hitting on her, but your words and actions are doing something completely different. That’s why I always recommend starting conversations in daytime venues with a direct opener.
- Finally, let’s imagine you want to talk to her but you’re too nervous. So, you just stare at her from afar. That’s incongruent and creepy AF too! Your thoughts are about flirting with her, but your actions are the complete opposite. That’s why I recommend counting backwards from 5 and walking towards that woman before you hit 0.
In all of these scenarios, your behavior will appear “off” to others. It’ll feel like you’re hiding something and this will make other people nervous, because they won’t know what your true intentions are.
The thing is: sometimes your thoughts will be occupied by fear or nerves. While that’s not ideal, the best thing to do in this situation is to admit it.
You might look a bit weaker in her eyes, but at least you’re being congruent, so there’s far less danger of creeping her out.
If she’s a nice woman, she’ll reassure you that it’s OK to be nervous and this should help you feel better.
This is often a better strategy than trying to hide your nerves behind a fake alpha-male persona. A lot of newbie ‘pick-up artists’ try this — and it is better than being too timid or not approaching at all. But their results are often limited because a woman will feel their incongruence and it’ll creep her out.
An important step for any single man’s dating life is replacing pick-up lines and tricks with moves that are congruent with his personality. This is what women mean when they tell you to ‘be yourself’.
2. Social Ignorance
When you show a lack of social acuity, you make people nervous because who knows what you’ll do next!?
Maybe you’ll do something to hurt them or put them in danger.
After all, most serial killers lack social acuity too.
Before, I said to be loud and proud when approaching women. Often, dating coaches will tell men to not care what other people think when approaching in public. But this advice should always come with a disclaimer.
If you yell a compliment at some woman in a library, that’s creepy AF because it shows you don’t understand social norms. If you tell her she has incredible tits, that’s creepy AF for the same reason.
Yes, it can be attractive to bend social norms a little bit. The boldness of approaching a woman in the library or a coffee shop can be enough to make you stand out from other guys.
But you need to be able to read her body language and understand if your bold moves are creeping her out.
A great tip to show you have social acuity is to preface your direct approach with a statement of empathy.
“Hi, I know this is a bit out of nowhere, but…”
“Hi, sorry to interrupt, but I just…”
Also, if you upset someone with a social faux-pas, call it out and apologize. You don’t need to make it a big deal, but you do need to show that you’re not socially autistic. Anything that shows you know you’re aware of social norms will stop you coming off as a creepy sociopath.
If you try to physically escalate on a woman when she has shown no signs of liking you, that’s another creepy sign of social ignorance. Making controversial jokes without reading the room first is another example.
This can be a tough pill to swallow. It’s what stops a lot of guys from making any moves on a woman or trying to entertain anyone.
The problem is: these guys who ‘play it safe’ don’t make an emotional impact and will be overlooked by women.
To be an attractive guy, you do need to take social risks. Sometimes, you’ll go for the kiss before a woman is ready or tell a joke that upsets someone. Although that’s not pleasant, you can take comfort in knowing you won’t be judged as creepy if you call out your error.
3. Over-Investment
Over-investment is giving a woman attention or resources she hasn’t earned.
Society teaches men to spoil women this way, but it often makes them uncomfortable.
Over-investment is a sign of desperation — and desperate people will take desperate measures to get what they want.
Desperate men bombard women’s phones with calls and messages. Desperate men become stalkers. Desperate men sometimes resort to sexual assault.
Needless to say, that’s creepy AF.
It’s a big reason why women flake or ghost at the first sign of over-investment.
They’ll also flake because over-investment signals that a man doesn’t have much else going on in his life.
Classic examples of over-investing include:
- Being caught ‘stalking’ someone’s social media, perhaps by knowing too much about them or ‘liking’ a picture from 2013.
- Sending huge paragraphs of text, especially when she ignores you or only sends one-word answers.
- Trying to force a conversation with someone, when they’re showing clear signs of disinterest.
Buying drinks for a random girl because she’s hot. - Sending money to a random e-girl because she’s hot.
- Any grand romantic gesture for a woman you’re not in a relationship with.
To avoid over-investing, ask yourself: Am I contributing as much as she is? If the answer is no, tone it down.
4. Weird Life Priorities
It’s widely agreed what a human’s emotional priorities should be. Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs details it well, in my opinion.
When someone values other weird stuff above normal human priorities, it’s often regarded as creepy.
Have you ever met a guy who is really into model trains? Or someone who plays 12 hours of World Of Warcraft per day?
These types of people tend to come across as a bit “off”.
A big part of this is the social ignorance aspect. If a guy doesn’t realize or explain how strange his life priorities are, it’ll creep people out for sure.
There’s also the over-investment aspect. People only tend to over-invest in weird passions when other ‘normal’ areas of their lives aren’t going well.
You can have niche hobbies and passions, for sure.
But, when you put them ahead of your health, finances or your social life, it’s often going to be perceived as creepy.
How To Not Be Creepy
Photo by ŞULE MAKAROĞLU on Unsplash
This entire guide has focused on what not to do.
So, let’s finish with some actionable advice to help you out.
- When you see an attractive woman, approach her without hesitation.
- Be honest about your intentions.
- Be honest if you’re nervous or if something is on your mind.
- If you’re about to do something that could be perceived as creepy, call it out first.
- Watch people’s body language, so you can notice if you went too far.
- Only invest as much into a woman as she’s investing into you.
My final tip for how to not be creepy is to go out and flirt with women as often as you can. This will teach you so much about social norms, what women find creepy and what they respond well to. You can learn from your mistakes and improve your social skills over time.
More importantly, this will make it easier to help you start swapping contact details and going on dates with many women. This will do so much to stop you from over-investing in any particular woman.
Let’s add these to our action plan, then.
- Go out and socialize a lot.
- Date a lot of women before you try to settle with one.
Do Women Find ‘Players’ Creepy?
A lot of men bemoan that their good-looking peers can get away with a lot more without being labelled as creepy.
This refers to the ‘over-investment’ category of creepiness.
Good-looking men can sometimes get away with over-investing too soon, because women are more likely to want a handsome man to over-invest.
Still, what can an average schmuck do with this information? Cry about it?
No matter what you look like, the best move is to be aware of what creeps women out and try to avoid it.
But how about ‘players’?
If you’ve been caught trying to date multiple women, you might have been labelled as a ‘creep’ by someone who didn’t like it.
Perhaps they’re suggesting that your obsession with sex is a weird life priority.
However, in many cases, they’re throwing this label on you because they’re bitter about their own romantic shortcomings.
The truth is: women are less likely to actually find players creepy, because they’re the least likely to over-invest or make weird social mistakes around them.
It’s the guys who haven’t dated a lot of women who are most likely to creep them out.
Anyway, I hope this guide allows you to successfully date more women in the future.
If you’re a guy who doesn’t feel confident flirting shamelessly with women, I’d recommend you buy my book Big Dick Energy. It features 12 powerful exercises to help you let go of fear and unleash your masculine energy in conversations with the opposite sex.
It’s available to buy in paperback or e-book. You can learn more about it by clicking here or watching the video below.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Icons8 Team on Unsplash
What if you actually are autistic, though? Should you just give up?