How to Not Get Engaged and Start The Year Single Instead: When You Accidentally Push the Avoidant’s Trigger

Unfortunately, you were all correct on what was going to happen.

I pressed the avoidant trigger and pretty much died.

The end, kaput, over. Complete silence.

Maybe a part of me knew this as well, however, the tradeoff of a lifetime together with nothingness over a 26 minute breakup call on December 24th is probably more than I would have bet on.

I have been dreading to write this post, and I know I should be starting the year on a high, telling you the beautiful stories of how 2025 begun, however, before we head to the F You moment of this most, as much I would like to avoid doing this, it’s time I put this chapter in writing, to make it real, and to move forward.

Here’s what happened…

December 22nd: single around the holidays

Life around the holidays is always a bit strange. This feeling of happiness dipped into a pot of yet-to-be-realized dreams, expectations, unexamined emotions and a touch of melancholy for those who were supposed to be with you but aren’t.

Plus, am I single??

Each year, for the past three years, a new fabulous Christmas tradition has come into my life: as I begin to celebrate the first time in my life I can finally plan a vacation and take the man I love with me to Christmas dinner with my family (even my 22 year old cousin brings his long term girlfriend), at the most unexpected time, my boyfriend needs to reflect on our relationship. For lack of a better term, temporarily put our relationship on hold, as if we were a youtube video with a pause button and he needs a pipi break.

Except he’s not taking a pipi break, he’s just pondering on whether I am in fact the right person for him, or, even better, on whether he is ready for a relationship.

Traditionally this happens just a few days before Christmas and a mandatory NYE vacation (in my line of business in December all is dead).

He is no bullshitter, so he always comes up with a really good reason why he needs to reflect if he wants me in his life, or perhaps is happier living without me.

Great timing.

This year the typically elegant and poised me just couldn’t help it:

Seriously???

Again??

Right before Christmas, NYE, vacation and my birthday???

In fairness he did try to leave me right before his own birthday a week ago however there were no flights available for me to live so he survived my presence trying to make his world sparkle a few days longer.

As the song says, ‘next year, to save me from tears, I’ll give it to someone special…’

Let’s recap:

I met his family — they love me
He met my family — they love him

2 weeks ago he said:

He’s in love

He wants to plan my birthday

He wants to book things for summer

He’s never been happier he didn’t even know he could be so happy

He loves me

Plans a life together

His house is my house

Then by accident I must have pushed a magical trigger point he didn’t even know existed and he kindly took back pretty much every single point except the one: the one where he loves me.

Yes, my friends, I’m back at level 1 (if you’ve read the rulebook), or maybe lever 3, because I’m in the I will love you forever category however all loving privileges have been revoked.

https://medium.com/hello-love/the-only-playbook-youll-ever-need-to-win-your-avoidant-s-heart-122f098b0e48

Enough is enough.

If you’ve been reading my blog you probably know that I am not someone very good at goodbyes. You need to actively throw me off a cliff for me to believe that it’s actually a cliff and not the edge of a swimming pool.

In this case, he had told me we were looking at a cliff and not a swimming pool, however I chose not to believe him.

‘No, truly, it’s a cliff! The rocks at the bottom are very sharp’.

‘No, I replied, it’s a swimming pool my love you just need to reframe your point of view! It can be an oasis of peace, if we jump together there will be water, you’ll see’

I convinced myself of this to the point that he took pity on me and decided to pretend he believed me.

‘Okay honey, it’s a swimming pool, we can build a home right next to it but let’s not jump in, let’s leave this swimming pool on the side’.

We began building the home on the side knowing far too well that we would have to use this swimming pool at some point and that it was such a large pool full of sharp rocks that we would have to fill it with water all the way to the top not to get hurt.

A water made of love, made of understanding of each other’s different cultures, backgrounds, families, habits, cities, ways of seeing the world.

I was ready to fill it, but whereas all I could see was water, all he could see were sharp rocks. He knew we’d never be able to jump, that we may never truly be able to swim, that maybe we could be happy dipping our toes in the water from the side.

To be completely honest, I could see the rocks, but I didn’t want to leave the grounds to look for an actual pool. After all, the colors were beautiful and the man was brilliant and I had invested so much into this relationship already.

The Holiday Season always hits hard.

Here I am. 38, semi-single, two days before the holiday with absolutely no plan.

Yes, I get that it’s just a third world problem but it’s a real problem.

December 24th: I couldn’t take it anymore.

He called to wish me a Marry Christmas and I just couldn’t.

Are we together or are we not? I asked.

Do you really want to do this over the phone?

Yes, I replied, otherwise when? January when you come to London on a business trip? Who wants to spend NYE without their loved one??

I wanted to marry you in summer but we are too different and I think we would make each other unhappy in the long run.

Are you sure? I asked

Yes. He replied.

Okay, goodbye.

I hung up the phone and cried non stop for the following days with my amazing family trying to console me.

My parents said they would not let me sit there and wallow, so just like that they helped me book an 8 day trip with strangers to visit Jordan. A solo trip. Right when I was at my lowest.

What a nightmare.

December 30th: Missing You

Sitting on this flight to Amman on an unwanted solo trip which I will enjoy to the very last minute I can’t help but think: I miss you.

I scroll through old photos and of course I feel a deep rooted sense of a void however I’m quickly realizing it’s not him I’m missing. I’m missing You. My partner in crime.

I miss that feeling of certainty, of security, of being able to just wrap up in your arms and feel the world around us disappear.

You, my darling future husband. You, my imaginary love of my life.

Life is awaiting us.

Not sure what you’re waiting for exactly to show up in my life but okay, fine. I’ll keep doing this on my own. I get it.

January 5th: The ups, the downs, the ins and outs — the final goodbye

I’m sitting in a gas station right outside of Aquba, Jordan, with a massive fever while my travel companions are out in the desert on buggies. This trip has been nothing short of exceptional. So many adventures I almost managed not to think about A.

Almost.

Nights have been long and lonely, I am dreading going home with all his things around the flat.

I haven’t made sense of any of this. A part of me thinks it’s for the best. A relationship is based on two people choosing each other every single day. Why would I want to spend my life with someone who contantly changes his mind?

There is a part of me however that is grieving the life we are not going to have.

He wanted to marry me in summer. How can you go from wanting to marry someone to disappearing all together?

I will never understand and whether I do or not it’s probably time I let go. Let go of the dream, of the fantasy, of the harsh reality, of the constant maybe, of being put second, or someone who is most clearly not valuing me and on the contrary constantly making me feel like an option.

I will not be updating anyone on the stages of grief because quite frankly I’m so angry I have to go through it again. So angry he put me in this situation after promising me he never would again.

I’m so angry.

I keep hearing that voice that says…if only you had…but I know it’s not the case. I truly gave it all that I had.

So as you do, I will pick up myself, my heart, my dignity and keep moving forward, through the pain, through that dark hallway, feeling so grateful for the spectacular friends and family who came into the tunnel to walk along side me and give me a ride to the light, grateful to myself, for always building and fostering these relationships.

There is only one rule: do not turn backwards.

I only wish it were easier to follow.

January 12th: I only see you in my dreams.

A, I embraced this ending as if I never loved you.

But I did, very much so.

I try not to go back to you mentally. I try to keep walking, to breathe through the pain, I stay connected to the positive bits of my life and the people who matter.

I have decided to move on.

The only time I still see you and hear from you is in my dreams, and there is little I can do about it unfortunately.

I look for a letter from you in the mailbox every time I come home. I struggle to imagine someone can go from wanting to marry you to disappearing once again but it’s the harsh reality I’m faced with.

There is one sentence I keep repeating in my own mind: you knows what you have lost, and I know what I have lost. And if I remove all of that idealized path, it feels like I have lost very little.

A little part of me looks forward to someone who loves me like I know how to love, fully, who doesn’t take all of my vulnerabilities and shoves them back in my face. Someone who can hold me when I’m sad, who can laugh with me, someone who will be there through thick and thin never making me feel like an option.

Onwards and upwards my friends, I intend to break free of my old patterns and fear of endings and to create a next chapter I truly love.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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