Kids. Can’t live with ’em. Can’t legally live without ’em.
I realized this morning that if I wasn’t careful, I would turn my considerate, sweet two-year-old gentleman into a spoiled, entitled brat. It would be so easy — all I would need to do would be to give in to his demands for cookies at 7 a.m. and let him skip his afternoon nap.
Giving in to his whining and allowing him to disrespect me and everyone around him sure sounded easier than dealing with a screaming, angry child for five minutes.
And let’s not forget my seven-year-old, who moaned dramatically yesterday about having to do her one chore — emptying and loading the dishwasher — before we promptly took away her allowance for the week. Boy, did we ever get an earful about that one. We should have just done the easy thing and taken care of the dishwasher for her, and let her keep the allowance that she not-so-nicely requested.
If this all sounds good to you, read on — boy, do I have some tips for you if you want to raise an entitled, spoiled brat. I have good news: it’s not that hard to do.
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#1 — Never Use the Word “No”
No one likes to be told “no.”
The reason kids react with so much abhorrence to the word is that we all — not just kids — want our way, all the time. Kids just haven’t learned yet that in the real world, you don’t get everything you want. That’s just not how it works.
Learning how to be a functioning member of society necessitates that we all learn the value of the word “no” so that we don’t grow into entitled and selfish adults, thereby being shunned by all other members of said society. So if you want your child to grow up as an outcast, then by all means, never tell the little tyke “no.”
A word of caution, here: if you decide that you would rather have your child learn and obey each and every “no,” try not to bandy it about all willy nilly. Too much “no” and your sweet baby will effectively stop hearing the word altogether.
Also, as your child gets older, be prepared for the inevitable and infuriating follow-up — “why?” There’s no escaping it so if you don’t have a solid reason for saying “no,” be aware that you only have so many “because I said so’s” in your parenting arsenal before you become entirely irrelevant.
Consider yourself warned.
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#2 — Give in to Demands
If we had a family crest — wait. We might already. We do! Google has politely informed me that our crest is a suit of armour with, inexplicably, three panting dogs in the centre. No explanation. How bizarre.
Let me try that again: if we had a family crest designed by me, it would be a ginormous bull with two big flared nostrils, because this family is chock full of stubborn bulls of all ages and sizes.
As per the dishwasher incident, the two stubborn adults in the house don’t give in to many demands, especially when they’re delivered with a decent amount of sass. My daughter, who begrudgingly goes by the name of Ms. Sassypants at times like these, is no less stubborn than either of her parents, and it would seem that young Mr. Sassypants, her little brother, is following in her footsteps.
Oh. The joys of parenthood.
This is where those “no” rules really come into play. Giving in to our kids’ demands would fast-track them into jerky adulthood, and that hardly seems fair on anyone. So we’ve accepted our role as “the worst parents ever” and, much like our political leaders, won’t be swayed by acts of terrorism.
They hate it, but it’s for their own good. We refuse to raise tyrants, but beyond that, giving in to children’s demands means that they never learn to be bored or frustrated. They will grow up bossy and intolerant, and possibly even without the ability to empathize with their peers — if they have any. If you give everything to your kids, they will become anxious when they go without their every whim being met. I think we all know adults who suffer from this exact ailment.
Those adults really suck. Don’t let your kids suck.
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#3 — Respond Positively to Whining
The sound of your child whining is exactly as terrible as the sound of nails on a chalkboard.
Thankfully, if you’re looking to raise a spoiled brat, you can simply give in to your child’s whining. Sure, the more you give in, the more frequent the whining will become, but if you carry around enough candy and console gaming systems to throw at the thing making all that horrid noise, you’ll probably survive until they become insufferable, noisy adults.
Kids whine because — duh — it works. It’s annoying and we hate it and we need to make it stop. But there’s a right way and a wrong way to do that.
Whining happens when they have a need that needs to be met, and the need is usually attention. Have you ever noticed that while you’re having a conversation with your child and everyone’s having a good time that no one’s whining? That’s because they’re getting positive attention from you, and that’s good — they should get lots of that. Kids need and should have plenty of genuine encouragement.
But there’s a limit, and that’s perfectly fine. We’re human beings raising little human beings, and they need to learn that the world will not literally revolve around their every whim or word. Sometimes they’re wrong. Sometimes they’re not the Queen of the castle. Sometimes, mommy is Queen.
With that in mind, if you decide you want to avoid a whiny big person, it needs to be addressed while you are still raising a little person. Depending on the age, there’s a very simple solution to this problem that will take a bit of stubbornness and patience on your part.
When your child is not whining, tell them calmly how you will respond to whining when they do; tell them that you will let them know they are whining and will say nothing further until the whining stops. Follow through and make sure you are not resentful when they have returned to their normal speaking voice.
Beyond that, make sure that you are giving them plenty of your genuine attention every day — we all need to feel seen and heard. Children are no different.
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#4 — Never Give Your Child Chores
What, are you raising a servant??
Never give your child chores if you want to raise a spoiled brat. Chores are a sure way to encourage children to work hard and learn the value of a dollar, and they teach kids valuable life skills. They’ll learn how to be independent and to build something resembling a strong work ethic — who wants that?
Chores are a great way to instill some confidence in young kids, too, so make sure you don’t do that if you plan to parent a brat.
Cutting to the chase here: we give our daughter a weekly allowance for doing the dishwasher every day and for emptying the bathroom garbage once a week. When her brother is older, we’ll pay him too and they’ll split the chores, with the expectation that more chores will be added as they get older.
Doing this, they’ll learn the value of a dollar; they’ll learn the value of hard work.
I had a friend who grew up getting an allowance every week without lifting a finger at home. I, on the other hand, didn’t see a penny unless I’d not only finished my chores but completed them to my parents’ expectations. When I reached college, I had to teach my friend how to do everything from laundry to balancing her budget. She was utterly useless, and yes, I totally blame her parents.
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#5 — Always Make Excuses for Your Child’s Bad Behaviour
“He’s just grumpy,” I’ve heard myself say about my two-year-old.
No. He doesn’t get to be a jerk-wad just because he napped for 1.75 hours rather than 2. He doesn’t get to be whiny because he didn’t finish his lunch and was “hungry” for cookies twenty minutes after it hit the compost bin.
Kids who grow up with parents making excuses for their crappy behaviour will be even crappier as adults. You know the type — they can’t come to work because their spider plant died. They can’t help you clean up after your cousin’s wedding because they just had their nails done. They can’t chip in on the restaurant bill because they just bought those Jimmy Choos.
Because because because because.
No. Don’t raise that person. Raise a good person who doesn’t put themselves above anyone else — we all have issues. We all struggle. We all have to learn how to cope.
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#6 — Allow Your Child to Disrespect You (and Everyone Else)
I’m sure I’m not the only one who recently saw the video of little Prince George putting his pudgy little hand over his mother’s mouth, and then thumbing his nose at her rudely.
His mother. The flippin’ Duchess of Cambridge. The wife of the future King. His mother.
Not cool, Georgie. Not. Cool.
I keep seeing comments like “he’s only 4!” and you know what — no. That’s not okay regardless of his age. He’s embarrassing her and being selfish, and worse than that, this looks habitual. Already. Yikes.
When you’re a kid, repeating a behaviour, whether good or bad, becomes a habit. Habits are hard to break as kids (ever try to break a toddler from a consistent thumb-sucking habit??) but as adults, it’s even harder. I realize poor Kate had an event to sit still for, but I certainly hope that in any other situation she would be taking George back out to the car to sit with her until he was done being a jackass.
If you want to raise a total butthead though, then by all means allow them to disrespect you a la Prince George.
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#7 — Never Let Your Child Fail
I remember having a brief conversation with another parent at a playground when my eldest was around three.
“She’s climbing pretty high, there…” the concerned mother said, side-eyeing me suspiciously. I’m pretty sure I caught a twitch in there, too.
“Yeah, but don’t worry,” I said knowingly, “she is usually too afraid to go much higher than that.”
Two seconds later, she proved me wrong and went up one more rung, where she promptly forgot how her arms worked and plummeted about two feet to the playground gravel. She cried but was uninjured, and the judgey mom at the playground will probably spend the rest of her life talking about the unconcerned, terrible mom who let her child get hurt on the monkey bars.
The thing is, though, my child learned something about her limits that day. She learned that she needs to be more careful on playground equipment as she learns to physically navigate the twisty, turny monkey bars. Over time, she has gone higher and higher and fallen less, but every fall teaches her a new limit to bust her way through to each and every goal.
Natural consequences are important for kids. If they are constantly removed from their potential failures, they’ll never learn from them. They’ll never have potential successes.
(Just try to make sure that their failures don’t involve a trip to the hospital — the authorities frown on those kinds of “natural consequences,” as do judgey playground mommies.)
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#8 — Be a Terrible Example of How to Behave
Kids imitate the people they admire.
(That’s you, by the way. And probably Blippi.)
Remember when those little Popeye cigarette candies weren’t banned from virtually everywhere? We used to walk around with them hanging off our lips like cigarettes because that’s what our parents did. It probably didn’t lend to us smoking when we got older — but easy access to Grandma’s cigarette-filled purse might have.
Bad habits aren’t the only thing to actively avoid, however. Kids are remarkably observant, and when they see you belittling your spouse or friend, they’re going to do it to someone else.
Possibly even to you.
A good way to avoid that is to not only avoid bad habits and behaviour but to be an example of good habits and overall friendliness to those around you. That doesn’t mean you only eat kale and lentils or that you let people walk all over you, but showing your child what real, genuine generosity is, or showing them how delicious a healthy meal can be are great ways to get them to mimic the right kind of behaviour.
Be the good human you are and let your mini-you see you do it. Better yet, when they display the kind of goodness you want to see in them, reward them. Tell them how proud you are of them and of the beautiful person they are becoming. Explain how what they did would be good for them or for someone they’ve been genuinely kind to. When rewarded with honest praise from parents who are their entire world (for now,) they’ll strive to do more of the same.
And as I said before, that’s how habits are formed.
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Hey. If you want to raise a spoiled little butthead, then you go right ahead. They will probably have plenty of company if my morning commute is any indication. But a word of warning: spoiled children may never leave you alone as adults since they won’t have learned how to be independent. They might make some bad decisions about their lives, too — many even turn to drugs and alcohol because they’ve never learned to effectively deal with disappointment and depression.
And, perhaps the saddest of all — they’re usually very lonely.
So you do you, but think about your baby’s best chance at life; at a good life. Let’s not let our kids suck — for their benefit as much as ours.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Maria Lysenko on Unsplash