We all imagine a perfect world where we are in a relationship and know our partner like the back of our hand.
The truth is that you will learn behaviors, characteristics, and traits of your partner over time that you did not see on day one.
Let’s pump the breaks before this turns into negative sentiment.
What creates a long-lasting relationship, although multifaceted, is to work with your partner and continuously improve as individuals and as partners.
Although we want to snap our fingers and create a magical, perfect relationship, it takes time to develop.
When we focus on attachment style, we tend to steer toward the negative and ignore crucial parts of learning about attachment style.
What positives come from not having a secure attachment style?
Well, there is generally a burning desire to want the traits, characteristics, and behaviors of someone with a secure attachment style, but there are hurdles.
The positive sentiment is that you rarely deal with someone who refuses to change when they understand how their attachment style affects them and the relationship.
Yes, there are outliers. There always will be.
Once you understand how to recognize the patterns of a dismissive avoidant, you will have a mechanism to promote improvement without it feeling like an attack.
Don’t worry. This article works for individuals and partners to read and follow.
Open the door
It can feel like pulling teeth to communicate and open the door for a deep connection with an avoidant.
We have to take a step back.
Instead of focusing on this negative behavior, there is something you can look out for well before these frustrating moments occur.
Avoidants will execute a subconscious “test” to see how vulnerable they can be with you.
The key to understanding the avoidant is that they want to feel comfortable and safe.
Yes, they’re looking for an avenue to build trust with you.
A behavior you should recognize in avoidants is they share incrementally without expression.
What do I mean by that?
An avoidant will share small pieces of themselves with you, and your reaction paves the road for how much they will release later.
When you hear a piece of expression from an avoidant, it is best to feel relatable rather than an investigator.
The more you dig, the more they retract. The more they feel like you share or understand the experience without judgment, the more they trust you.
Avoidants also don’t readily tap into the emotions connected to someone else displays sharing the same story.
For example, an avoidant might share something that sounds traumatic, but you won’t feel the emotion behind their words, almost as if they are having a casual conversation.
When avoidants do this, the recipient might not understand the gravity of the situation, so it doesn’t sound like an intense moment of release.
Reward your partner by recognizing and acknowledging when they are opening up with you and build on those moments.
The pullback
There are moments when you feel like you are gaining ground and connecting with the dismissive-avoidant, and then, out of nowhere, it feels like there is a dramatic pullback.
If you have read my articles, you know the dismissive-avoidant takes their independence seriously.
When you combine those thoughts, you will recognize this is another safety mechanism for the avoidant.
The retraction is not an attempt for the avoidant to distance themselves from you.
I’ve talked to many clients who are partners of avoidants, and there is a message I have to share on repeat.
The retraction is not personal to you but personal to the avoidant’s level of comfort.
The most frustrating behavior is the struggle for the avoidant to strip their need for independence.
It is where avoidants feel safe because they have a psychological need to be the owner of issues in their life.
“Needing help” feels like a form of weakness. It is almost to say avoidants feel shame for not “handling it themselves.”
Do not push your partner in these moments. It will only move them further into isolation.
“Monkey see, monkey do.” I know it feels counterintuitive, but when your partner retracts, you can retract.
To you, it sounds like you are ignoring the problem.
To avoidants, respecting their space shows they can strip the need to hide because you won’t overreact.
When they pull back in, you pull back in as well.
The connection
Dismissive avoidants value harmony and peace. During moments of conflict, the DA will shut down because those factors have “gone away,” even if only momentary.
No, the key is not to walk on eggshells trying to preserve peace in your relationship.
You can keep peace and harmony in a relationship by relating positive and negative to build a picture for your partner.
For example: “You never take the time to have special moments with me” sounds different than “We have had special moments together. What can we do to keep that up?”
One sounds like a personal attack, and one sounds like it includes both partners doing the work.
Avoidants need to feel like there is a team effort and are not loaded with the burden of doing the work alone.
It is one of the quickest action items that will cause an avoidant to shut down.
Although they may be the root of the issue, they must hear the message from the standpoint of “we, us, and our,” instead of personal criticism.
Restructuring words can create a world of difference for your partner.
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Want to learn about the triggers of dismissive avoidants? Get a free guide here.
Do you want to reach out to me on Instagram for a coaching session (IG) Here or at [email protected]
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash
