How to Recognize the Behavioral Patterns of a Fearful Avoidant

We are in a new age of dating where people are digging for clues and answers that shine a light on the dynamics they’re involved in.

We are also in an age where people get turned off quickly, and we forget that relationships work when two people work towards growth.

What is in the middle?

It comes down to patience.

As I have gone through my attachment style journey, I’m now hyper-aware that we have lost patience in relationships.

Am I telling you to twiddle your thumbs and wait for people to change, and it slowly tears away at you? No.

Once you are aware of how to understand, process, and react to behaviors, it will change your perception of the value of working with someone.

That’s what I am here for.

I want everyone who follows my writing to understand attachment theory.

Yes, relationships take work, but what makes a great relationship is when people understand the other’s journey to grow and become the ideal partner.

Yes, relationships take work, but a great relationship is when people understand how to work to become the ideal partner.

Fearful avoidants or partners of one can read this article and come away with a new understanding so we can work together toward that bright future.

Remember, we move forward with grace. We do not compound issues our partners deal with by rubbing their faults in their faces.

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Hot potato

People may or may not know that the fearful-avoidant is also known as the hot and cold attachment style.

Those frustrated with the hot and cold see the intense passion a fearful avoidant can bring to a relationship, followed by a pullback when the connection and bond get serious.

It feels like someone is playing a game; they’re all in one minute, and the next can appear like they could care less if the relationship works.

There is something that might surprise you. The fearful-avoidant wants nothing more than a deep connection and bond, but fear brings doubts into the equation.

You see it in society today. What causes fear for most people? It is a series of negative experiences or a total lack of knowledge. Oddly, it does not lay in the middle.

Fearful avoidants have seen relationships that left them feeling like they couldn’t trust in the strength of relationships. They often repeat those behaviors, and trust becomes hard to gain from the avoidant. Ironic, I know.

Fearful avoidants are also scared of the unknown. The more they don’t know, the less they will dig in. They will often avoid anything that could be problematic.

Ying and Ying

What many people don’t know about attachment theory is the combination of a belief about yourself and the view of others.

Your personal view is your thoughts about what you are worthy of- love, companionship, sympathy, etc.

Your view of others is your ability to trust that others have your best interest at heart and will care about you.

Guess the combination of positive/negative the fearful-avoidant has towards their worldview.

I’ll give you a second.

The fearful-avoidant has a negative personal view and a negative view of others.

When you combine negatives, what do you get? No, not a positive like you get in math.

You will get a person who does not view themselves as worthy of love and someone who does not believe in the love you show them.

When they are on the “hot” side of hot and cold, the fearful-avoidant is building a belief that they can trust the relationship and have found someone who cares about them and won’t leave.

The cold is the pullback when they realize they might be moving too fast or giving too much of themselves away. It is a seesaw of emotion. You cannot force the fearful-avoidant through the process.

Let’s talk

There is a positive quality from the fearful-avoidant that will make others pleased.

Unlike other tendencies of those with avoidant characteristics and personalities, the fearful-avoidant values communication. They tend to desire a high level of communication.

There is a caveat here.

You cannot push the fearful-avoidant into expression. It has to come out naturally.

You will find that the fearful-avoidant is appreciative and receptive to the information you choose to share. It will bring the FA closer to the moment they can finally release and trust.

Healthy communication shows the fearful-avoidant that you are not hiding information from them, and they will also see fears they’ll be caught off guard by your words alleviated.

The fearful-avoidant logs words and actions, creating a memory bank that sways their opinion and beliefs.

Once they have a negative view of you based on actions and words, it will feel nearly impossible to regain trust. Your negative actions will carry more weight than positive ones.

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I know it is a hard choice to make, but be patient and work with your partner to open up the door to a healthy outcome.

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Want to learn about the triggers of the fearful-avoidant? Get a free guide Here

Do you want to reach out to me on Instagram for a coaching session (IG) Here or at [email protected]

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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